Be Like Me!

Even though most of us are honest when we state that we prefer to associate with people who are mostly like us, this attitude can give us comfort as well as conflict in our interactions with others.

One foundation of healthy and growing relationships comes when each of us understands and truly accepts that I cannot make another value/want what I want/value in a relationship.

Each of us has wants/needs/values when we make choices on the people with whom we interact.   Our lives with others tend to be easier when these factors are similar in type and degree.  There is no guarantee that life will be more interesting or safer if we associate with similar persons, but the odds are that it will be easier to handle.

How many parents have grieved when they discovered that their children wanted or valued something different from their parents?

Many counselor offices are full of people who want an important person in their lives (usually a spouse, friend or family member) to change to having similar attitudes and behaviors  

How frustrating it can be for each of us to confront the realization that some of the people who we love and care about actually value and/or want something different in their relationship with us!  Why can't they be like me?  Our lives would be so much easier if those around me behaved like me.

One of the realities in human behavior is that people choose to give only what they are able and willing to give in relationships.  There two important words (able/willing) present in that sentence complete our behavior of choice.  Healthy understanding of relationships encourages us to note these concepts of ability and willingness when we engage in behaviors and attitudes with other people.

First, each of us is confronted with what we are able to give in relating to other people.   We may want to value something that is important to another person but we may not be able for a variety of reasons such as our personal experiences and history.  When this choice becomes apparent to others, some may choose not to have a relationship.

Second, we may be able to give to others what they value, but we may also choose not to give because we are not willing, regardless of whether we are able.  Each of us is continually facing the personal choices of our ability and willingness to give or not give.   Our choices of the price we are able and willing to pay will usually affect what type of relationships we have with people.  One can count on the reality that there will be some type/amount of price to be paid by each person in a relationship.

Even when we are able and willing to want/value in a similar manner for ourselves in relating to another, we may encounter the frustration that the other person has different wants and values in their manner of relating.  Oh, how we often want to change them to see a situation, feel, think, behave, believe to how we see that situation!  And, we ask: why can't they see reality like I do?

If I am healthy, I am realistic in realizing that I cannot make anyone value/want what I want/value in a relationship.  I accept the reality that the people in my world choose to give me only what they are able and/or willing to give me.  And, I do the same in return.

With this realization as a solid foundation, a positive and healthy relationship has the possibility of being formed and maintained.

I can then understand and accept that much of the time during my Life Journey, I do not have to change friends, IF I understand and am comfortable that my friends and I are both changing.  We all will encounter change and make continual choices on how we each wish to manage it in others and ourselves.

Comments welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Loneliness

How can anyone in the Atlanta metro area feel lonely when there are over 5.4 million people living here?  Based on the number of cars on the roads and the forest lands devastated for homes, it would seem that just the opposite would be the prevailing feeling for anyone living in this area.

As with many areas of personal growth, loneliness is one of those words that people tend to use as though everyone has the same definition for it.  The most common confusion comes when the words loneliness and being alone are used interchangeably.

Being alone is a physical state where an individual is present only to him or herself; there are no other humans, pets or other living things around them.  It is sometimes referred to as the "Walden Pond" (David Thoreau) syndrome where one enjoys and personally grows from just being alone with one’s self.  Yet others dread with fear the situation of not having a pet or human around them most, if not all of the time.

When one is physically alone, one has the opportunity to focus on their personal thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  They can explore their own hopes and fears without the distractions that other people or pets can provide.  There is no need to “act” to meet the expectations of others.

It is unfortunate that being alone is not highly valued in much of our society.  As children we soon learn what the people around us expect.  Sometimes we learn these roles so well that setting them aside for alone time just with ourselves can feel alienating and frightful.  So, we seek to be with others frequently so that we can feel good about ourselves.

And, there are times when individuals totally become the roles they play in everyday society and are unable to separate their self image from the expectations of self and others.  Being alone without an audience can be scary for many and thus avoided.

Loneliness is basically an emotional state and has little to do whether one is with or without the company of humans, pets and other living things.  It is the way an individual feels about him or herself regardless of physical surroundings.  This feeling is the individual’s reality.  

One of the areas of loneliness that many people have difficulty understanding is how an individual can feel lonely and yet be surrounded by family, friends and others who love and care about them.  Loneliness is an internal feeling and has little to do with one's external environment.

It can be so frustrating to the person who continues to feel lonely even when there are many caring people around.  It also can be very frustrating if one is trying to help a lonely person feel better and yet nothing he/she does seems to have an effect for change.

Therefore, we can see the confusion that is present when these two different states are seen as interchangeable.  Being alone only needs a change of external physical change by associating with people. 

Loneliness is an internal emotional state that is built on many aspects of one’s self image and needs the work of counseling (learning different ways to think and believe) and/or aspects of personal growth to have real change.   Of these two behaviors, handling the feelings of loneliness are much more difficult and challenging for an individual to confront and change as they involve extensive and intensive energy and work. 


Managing the feelings of loneliness encourages an individual to learn such skills as accepting and loving themselves as they are even when they practice behaviors to meet goals of personal change.  It can be difficult to overcome loneliness if being happy with ourselves is built on the expectations of others.  Alienation from self can often be the foundation on which many lonely feelings are built.

It is also more difficult for those who care about an individual who is lonely to recognize that much of the work in changing feelings of loneliness is an “inside job” and depends on the internal motivation and emotional work within an individual.  Changing feelings of loneliness involves more effort than just being surrounded by other people.  

Accepting the limitations of what we can and cannot do to alter another’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs continues to be a major challenge for many of us.  Only we can as individuals have the power to formulate and implement the feelings and behaviors that allow us to differenate between being alone versus being lonely.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com