A Day For Changes and Choices

For a two-year period ending in October 2011, I wrote a series of 63 essays to share with seniors some of the things that I had learned during my Life Journey that could perhaps be helpful for others during the process of aging.

This focus on mental health was entitled Power for Positive Living.  Although the content was based on much of what I had learned during my years as a teacher and counselor working with others, I also included much of what I had learned about making my own Life Journey into a positive adventure. 

Another goal was to leave a written record of how I saw important aspects of my Life Journey and myself for anyone who was interested to know more about me.  Of special interest was a desire to leave some type of record for my grandnephew since the statistical odds are against me being alive when he is an adult.

As we all learn at some stage, there is a significant difference between discussing feelings and thoughts in the abstract versus actually having the experience of going through them.  Earlier this month, I had such an experience and have decided to share it with any who are interested.  I shall call this the 64^th essay in the P4PL series.

Much of our lives can change between sunrise and sunset.  

Seeking to implement my own philosophy of positive preventive health, I stopped by our local fire station to have my blood pressure read and recorded.  This is a service that is offered free to all by our local county government.

To this day, I cannot determine why I stopped on that day at that time.  I expected to get a ‘normal’ reading and then head off for my 4-mile walk at the local Lowes Home Improvement Store.

The EMT who read my blood pressure called over a second EMT to check his reading.  With all of my years as a teacher and counselor, I can easily read when someone is worried.  These two men looked worried.  By the time they had called over the lieutenant to check their reading, I was very worried along with them. 

They asked if I would allow them to do an EKG since my systolic and diastolic readings were well over my normal averages.  The EKG confirmed the abnormal readings.  The EMTs decided that I needed to go to the hospital Emergency Room.  They were concerned that I might blackout if I drove myself, so I was transported in an ambulance.

I was hesitant to do so, but I knew that these men saw heart problems and death on a daily basis.  Even though I felt fine, except for a heavy case of worry, I wondered why go to this trouble until I recalled that heart disease is often called ‘the silent killer’.  And it could have been killing me at that time even though I was feeling just fine, except for an ache in my back shoulder blade.

Riding in an ambulance and being rolled into a hospital ER is an experience that will tap thoughts and feelings that are not easily touched by the rituals of daily life or by verbally discussing in a seminar format.  Life and death become real. 

I find that I want to record part of what I was thinking and feeling while the experience is still fresh.  Also, in the spirit of the P4PL series I want to offer this for whatever anyone else can find useful to use in their life. 

Much of what took place came in the form of questions I kept asking myself as I rode in the ambulance and was wheeled into ER #18.  To this day, I still find myself seeking my own personal answers.

I found myself inquiring of God whether is this THE day that I REALLY shall die.  How am I feeling seeing the reality that I could really die today, not some day in the future when I really ‘get old’ and sick or when I have more time to prepare?

What is really important to me during these last minutes/hours/days of life?  Have I done all that I am going to have done before I depart?  Where have I been human and procrastinated?

How do I expect my death to be?  Will I see ‘the white light’ that many returnees from the death process report?  Will I see Heaven?  Do I enter death with fear, resignation or anticipation?

 I have no expectations of Heaven having golden streets with large mansions running by Crystal Rivers or angels trying out their new wings.   But what do I really expect to find when I leave this world?  Since I leave my body behind, what does God plan for my spirit as the unique human being He created 72 years ago? I still believe that God will be waiting for me in some form to reunite our spirits just as He has been with me during my life adventures on this planet.

Have I completed all that was planned for me to be and do during my time on this earth?  What major gifts have I given to others while alive?  How have I overlooked opportunities to serve and assist others?  Have I allowed myself to freely receive gifts that others have or wish to have given to me?

What is the status of my Bucket List?  Have I done the major priority items or allowed myself to become distracted with an expectation that I would always have more time to complete it?

What will my departure mean to the important people in my life? Have I truly given them all that I could in the time and with the resources given to me? Do I continue this pattern?  What will I change if I get more time?

Have I continued to place energy into the continuation and energizing of friendships?  Building a friendship takes work and to maintain it takes even more energy and effort.  Have I become negligent in making the strong efforts to maintain these friendships as healthy and positive bonds?

 Have I allowed these valuable friendships to dissolve in a habit without investing the attention to keep them healthy?  How could I have done better to maintain the unique gifts that these special people can give and receive as we share a friendship?

Am I appropriately appreciative to God for all of the special people  placed into my Life Journey?  Even if I leave life today, can I truly appreciate all of these wonderful gifts given to me for my Life Journey?   Or am I afraid of what is ahead after death?  Am I afraid of my guilt that I have not been a true steward of God's many gifts?

What happens if I do not die today, but am stricken with a long-lasting illness?  How do I handle this?  What are my expectations of myself and of others around me?  

What happens if I cannot live alone any longer and need to live with others?  After living such a healthy life, how can I handle in a positive manner all of the emotionality that surrounds a severely ill person?  Can I heal without burdening others with excessive drama?  What can I do to help others as they strive to assist me?

Have I done all that I can to assist both of my nephews handle the stresses of handling a family loss as well as that pain of governmental regulations known as probate court?  Are the papers needed at my death all in order to allow them the easiest way to cope?

The questions went on and on as I waited in ER #18 for the ER physician to tell me what was my condition and whether I would live another day.  The pronouncement that I did not have a heart attack or stroke was greeted with thanksgiving.  I have another opportunity to live a joyous life and make the same or different  choices on the changes that today produced!

The next step was to work with my primary care physician to determine the cause and treatment of this spike in my blood pressure that one morning.  This exploration continues.

Since that day in early February, I have learned that this exploration of my life ending in death is a continuous on-going process each morning that I awake to see a new day.  What can I learn from these experiences to help me better prepare for arrival of the real day of my death?  What thoughts and feelings do I have after this ‘dry run’?  And, most important to me is what will I do to actively implement them?

 I find that each day I have to live in comparatively good health is appreciated far more deeply than it was before that stop at the local fire station earlier this month.  What shall I decide is the best use of this additional time that I have been given?  

I have changed;  will my life choices?

My questions about the end of my Life Journey are still present.  I ponder them for portions of each day as I continue to enjoy this wonderful gift I have which is called LIFE. 

I hope sharing this experience can be one more gift that I am allowed to give to others while still alive.  I still believe that the pleasures of giving and assisting others through teaching has been one of the major goals of my Life Journey.

Closing This Life Chapter

 

This blog is the 63rd essay that I have written for the Power for Positive Living series.  During these past two years, I have written about the various issues that I have found as a human being and as a counseling psychologist to be helpful during my years of teaching and counseling to encourage people to build healthy Life Journeys for themselves.  This has been my gift I wish to leave with others.

If you have read all 63 of these blogs, I sincerely believe that you have a comprehensive view of how I see myself as well as my value system for living an emotionally healthy life.  I have attempted to cover a diverse range of topics that, if utilized, can help many people manage the changes in their lives with healthier choices.  Doing something about this knowledge is significantly different than just reading and thinking about changing one's emotional health.

Hopefully, I have written from first-hand experiences of living 70+ years.  Much of what I have learned has been given to you as my personal gift in this series.   I sincerely hope that you can find a way to use this knowledge in your own life where the result will be a positive healthy Life Journey.  However, like all true gifts, this is given with no expectations of what you choose to do or not do with it.

After these two years of writing a blog every two weeks, I am ready for a rest.  I will now choose some different way of living my life while still maintaining my life goal of assisting others to do what they need to do.   Writing P4PL as a volunteer for my local senior center web site has allowed me to share with many who face the issues which come with growing older in our society.


My birthday month of October seems a good time to change.  Today is my grand-nephew's third birthday!   Part of me hopes that this series of essays will be read by him some day and allow him to better know his uncle as the unique person I am regardless of whether I am able to live through his childhood and adolescence.  Family and friends can also learn about my inner self rather than just recall the outward behaviors and accomplishments which are easier to see.

For now, it is time for me to ‘check out’ for a while and follow my own advice of enriching my Life Journey with some time away from my current life roles.   I do not know whether I shall return with this series or a series of a different type.  I may just rest until the next opportunity for a life energizer presents itself.  Life continues to give me surprises and challenges as the years pass regardless of what I plan.   It may be time to work in another volunteer field.  Or, I may realize that I have more that I want to write about personal growth and return with more issues of P4PL. 

I do plan continued focus on my personal bucket list.   For example, I am eager to introduce my grand-nephew McKeehan to his first airplane flight, his first cruise and his first trip outside of the United States.  This was important to me when I did the same for his father and uncle.   

Also on my personal bucket list, there are many historical friends who have been a significant part of my Life Journey and I wish to visit with each while we are still in decent health and can enjoy extended time together.  For example, a historical friend has given me a western Caribbean cruise for my current birthday.  After 25+ years of friendship, we shall have this rare opportunity to spend extended and quality time together for a wonderful week in January.

I want to experience the continued adventure of living each day to the fullest by appreciating all of the many blessings given to me.  Naturally, I still look forward to meeting new people and creating exciting new memories.

I want to thank my older nephew for his encouragement that led me to begin writing this series in 2010.   Bryan now has part of what he wanted:  the written thoughts of his uncle on possibilities to live a healthy Life Journey.  He will have these memories of me, written by my own hand, for the remainder of his life.   His request has hopefully become a gift to many others.

Thanks to the internet, this series will always be available to Bryan and other individuals.  As stated above, I do have hope that my grand-nephew McKeehan will want to know more about his uncle some day by reading his written words.  And, may these words communicate to many others how their friendship has been an important part of my Life Journey.  Many have left significant marks of joy on my heart and mind.

For those of you who have used the email component to communicate with me about various topics of this series and personal issues, I plan to keep the Silver Chat Line email address open for another year.  Always feel free to visit me there.  While my responses shall be slower, I will get back to you on whatever you have written.  

Since this content is truly timeless in its value, most of us would probably benefit from rereading the series.   I know for myself that a second reading of these essays will allow me a different perspective and enrichment of certain knowledge from when they were first learned and when they were posted over the past two years.

Again, I thank all of you who have shared your reactions and encouragement for this series.  I believe that I have covered all of the topics that were suggested to me by readers with emails.  I have chosen not to write about divisive topics like religion, politics, economics, societal norms, etc.  Writing and sharing these blogs have certainly energized my own personal Life Journey!!

My wish is that you and I manage life’s changes by continuing to seek and choose healthy options for ourselves.  I am pleased that I could be here to offer assistance for those who chose to receive the gifts I have offered.  Life is good!

Comments welcome.  EMAIL:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Helping You Do What You Need To Do

This essay may be a summary of what I have been attempting to offer over the past two years during this series of writings.  One of my life goals has been to leave a record of who I am truly as a person, aside from the various behaviors that are outwardly visible. 

During my years of teaching psychology and offering therapeutic counseling, I often began my classes and sessions with a Hugheyism: “I am here to help you do what you need to do.”

Many times I would often receive a blank stare from individuals.  This sentence seemed to be difficult for many to fully understand.   I was attempting to communicate how I saw my life role which was to be a helper/giver for their life.  Regardless of what I gave, each person was still responsible for deciding what they needed to receive and what to do with their personal Life Journey.

I see one of the basic roles in my Life Journey is to offer assistance to others in enriching their ability to fully live their lives regardless of our relationship.   I am free to offer or not offer this gift of assistance to others.  And, most important, others are free to accept or decline any gift that is offered to them.  


Like all behaviors we choose, there is a 'price' to be paid.  I realize that I have paid a price over the years for my choices, especially in those behaviors affecting my emotions.  Fortunately, in hindsight, I am pleased that I feel very few regrets for the choices I have made in meeting these life goals.

Sometimes I realize that gifts can be given for the benefit of the giver more than for the recipient of the gift.  These are so-called gifts which have expectations (or strings) attached.  Gifts with expectations become more like grants than true gifts.  I also strive to remind myself that whether I choose to make an individual's response to my gift offer into a ‘personal issue’  is my choice, especially if I have allowed an expectation to be created.

A challenging personal question for the giver of assistance is to be honest about what is the 'balance' each of us offer by helping others or how much is this gift for the giver’s benefit versus the recipient’s benefit.  Many of us find this very difficult to give ourselves an honest answer since it is usually in some degree both.   But the effort expended to be honest with ourselves to determine this balance is well worth the effort to self and others.

Another challenge for us is whether we are offering our assistance in a method that is beneficial to the recipient or is better suited to meeting our personal style in helping others.   For example, the recipient may need listening more than he/she needs our verbal wisdom or insight.  However, we may be more comfortable telling another what he/she should do.   So we often give gifts to others with strings attached.   Our assistance may often be given in the manner where we are most comfortable.

While we own any assistance offered or given to another,  the recipient owns how they communicate their openness and willingness for any help received.  There are some people who have issues with receiving gifts.  One can appreciate the kindness of someone offering a gift while not wishing for a variety of reasons to receive the specific gift offered.  

We can also clarify whether the gift-giving is to enhance a win-win outcome or does someone need to admit they need assistance by being 'weaker' or more needy than the giver.  One caution for those of us who like to give and assist others is to be aware that we may seek out and be sought out by  individuals who have needy personalities.

For example, it is difficult to love someone when they do not care about you to the same degree or in the same manner.  So, do we offer love and caring to another without condition of whether they indicate an openness to receive this specific gift in the form the giver wishes to use?  Our values and personal history will usually give us an answer regardless of the logic and rationality of the situation.

What if someone requests assistance from you and you are unclear about what is being asked or you are uncomfortable with the request?  This can be the time when you may need to establish that whatever gift you give does need to fit your own unique personality about giving and receiving rewards.  One healthy perspective is remembering that regardless of our desire to help others,  need will usually exceed our ability to supply.

My experience has taught me over the years that many people, if not most, have some awareness of what needs to be done to bring positive change into their world.  Often there is a need for assistance in structuring the change which works for them.  The challenge is often to find a true gift without expectations from another.   Another challenge is to find someone who will truly accept a gift without feeling an obligation to reciprocate.

I believe that I am present to assist others with my personal gifts in accomplishing whatever they have decided is best for their individual lives.   I do not make the decisions!  This role of being a helper and giver seems to have been one of  my major life goals.


Unfortunately, some seek assistance from others so that responsibility for the pain of thinking and behaving in healthy ways can be transferred to others.  Being aware of this behavior can clarify where and how one can be most helpful in offering help to others.

We all live with the personal limits of time, energy, resources, etc., in ourselves and in others.  Being honest with these limits is crucial in providing the gift of assisting others.

This series of essays on aids to positive personal growth, as seen through the experiences of one human being,  are offered as one way to assist the reader with his/her Life Journey.  There has no attempt to offer "the answer" to one's questions about the personal choices he/she makes.


I have learned that when I assist others to meet their goals in life, I have usually found myself achieving my own.

Hopefully you have been able to find something in this P4PL series that has been helpful to you in some personal way.  This is my gift to you.   The motivation to offer this gift of essays to assist you in doing whatever you need to do to enrich your Life Journey provides the goal for why they were written.

Comment welcome.

Personal Retreat

 There are few people who do not at some time encounter a desire to ‘check out’ of their daily routine and retreat inside to an inner place of peace.  Our society encourages us to remain busy and be productive during our waking hours.  Many even manage to pack so many activities into this awake time that they do not get enough sleep and rest to remain healthy.

During my graduate school work, I was affected strongly by the writers of humanistic philosophy.  Many scholars wrote about the life-long challenge we all face to learn and understand about our transparent selves.  There was the perspective that most people go through their lives with just a surface understanding of themselves and do not offer their real self to themselves or others in a transparent manner.  This non-offering can often come from factors like ignorance and/or fear.

I remember a key sentence that left its mark on my thoughts and behaviors as I eventually established the framework for my professional life that came to be known as Friend Ship.  “A person needs a place and/or person to go when he finds his life unlivable.”

Friend Ship has as one of its components the structure of a personal retreat.  Similar to a spiritual retreat, the individual makes the decision as to the focus that is different from the various roles and expectations that he lives in his ‘normal’ world.  If, for example, personal spirituality is part of the retreat goal, then one is free to accept their God’s love and support.

The methods and goals are unique and personal; each participant sets his/her own path for self-exploration either by her/himself and/or with the input and support of a facilitator.  A personal retreat facilitator creates an atmosphere of invitation for you to share SAFE TIME with a caring and trustworthy friend where you have the rare gift of being yourself.

Although each personal retreat is different, many have similar components based on the mutual humanness we share.  For example, all healthy people have a need to be heard.  Receiving the gift of listening hospitality allows for a safe atmosphere that is supportive and non-judgmental.

A personal retreat allows one to be ‘off stage’ or check out from regular life roles and responsibilities.  One can explore the quality of my life, my emotional development and individual pattern of personal growth.  People who enter a personal retreat check out by leaving their ‘normal’ roles at the door.

We know that there is a shortage of active listeners in our world!  Few are trained to hear verbally and non-verbally when we are ready, eager and have a need to talk.  Unfortunately, most people think that they are good, if not excellent listeners.  Based on the large number of people still trying to find an active listener, it would seem that many have a faulty self-perception.  

There can be confusion with the behavior of being silent as being the same as active listening.  Active listening is work!  This process requires maximum involvement with the 'here-and-now' of a person's world.  Silence is only not speaking; yet for many,  even that seems difficult.

Checking out from our usual assortment of life advisors and interact with a person offering listening hospitality we can experience the gift of being heard without someone wanting to give us their advice or solution to areas which are unique and personal to each of us.

A personal retreat is available for the time when our need to talk for understanding conflicts with the needs of friends and family who are unable or unwilling to listen to us for a wide variety of reasons.

Friend Ship and personal retreating are not present to do something to or for you.  In an atmosphere of listening hospitality (silence or active listening with another person), you will find the will and way to do for yourself.  You will learn to hear yourself!

Checking out encourages exploration of any aspect of life: self-esteem, stress, relationships enrichment, spiritually, values, hate and love, grief, friendships, career, or solitude. 

Personal retreating encourages you to experience the inner world of writing your own Life Novel; there is no prearranged goal of solving problems or changing behaviors/feelings.  All that is needed for the process to work is the curiosity to share and learn about you from yourself.

You are free to choose your time for:  reflecting, thinking, relaxing, playing, praying, reading, journal writing, meditating, being silent, creating,, exploring, risking, defining, body sensing, experimenting, interacting with facilitator or being alone.

Yes, we all have a healthy need to periodically ‘check out’ and explore aspects of our lives that our daily roles and obligations often prevent us from doing.  But, how many of us value ourselves to make this opportunity for peace and healthy living?  Do we really value our own self-esteem to a high degree by making a checking-out process an integral part of our life?

Comments Welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Life's Last Chapter

 

For many reasons, there are some topics that are difficult and uncomfortable for most of us to discuss openly and directly with others.  Two of these seem to be our personal wealth (reflecting how ‘valuable’ and ‘successful’ we have been during life) and the last chapter of our Life Journey, our death.

For many, the amount of wealth we have at various stages of life is similar to the ‘score’ we have on life’s scoreboard.  By the time we reach the concluding life chapter, we and some others may be tempted to declare ourselves as ‘winners’ or ‘losers’ using the criteria of wealth we have acquired before we die. 

It is sad to see individuals who view their lives as being about winning at the game of making money and accumulating it for others to see as a trophy of living a successful life.   We know from King Tut and others that we cannot take our wealth with us as we depart this part of life, so we get to exercise our personal value system by directing what happens to our wealth when we die.

Other than the ones who die without making a conscious choice (no will), our wealth can be directed to family, friends, other loved ones, charities, etc.  However, it is unfortunate that so many individuals do not choose to be open and directly discuss the status of their wealth and their preferences for its use before the arrival of death. 

They are some who have a goal of punishing others by the denial of sharing their wealth.  Others wait until their death to reward individuals that they chose not to do in life.  Personally, I have always believed that sending me flowers while I am healthy and alive is so much better for me than waiting until I pass and am unable to enjoy them.

For some, discussing wealth and death is like an exploration of self-esteem.  Most of us want to die feeling good about our lives.   If we are disappointed about our wealth accumulation, we may prefer to ignore the topic.  Wealth discussion seems to be a very sensitive topic for many.   Others seem to see such discussion as being contagious; they will ‘catch’ death or poverty if these are brought into the open.  Denial is a very effective ego defense mechanism for a reason!

The second sensitive topic that seems uncomfortable for many to discuss is the healthy living of the last chapter of our life journey. This includes how we think and feel about the inevitable time of dieing.  

If one is alive, we can be sure that at some time we are all going to die.  As I age, I find it more difficult to find persons who are comfortable exploring with me such areas as life’s relationship to dieing.   To me, healthy living is seeing the process of dieing as part of the process of living, not as components separate from each other.

Our culture is full of many options on how we handle our own death as well as those around us.   As each of my birthdays arrive I am happy for the joys of living another year with this wonderful gift of life.  I am also aware that I am one year closer to dieing and I am faced with the choices of how I want to live this concluding time period.   I still do retain choices on how I manage this last chapter!

As mentioned above, one of the most difficult conversational challenges I have faced with my own aging is finding persons who are comfortable discussing openly and directly the living of this last life chapter with the physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, religious, etc., characteristics of this period.

 I am reminded of a saying from the ‘old folks’ of my childhood:

“Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die.”  It seems that our culture has decided that it is in the best interest of all that everyone strive to live as long as possible.  Why not have the options of embracing death, if we believe that a better place awaits our loved ones and us or when we prefer to leave life which has lost its quality and one that may be full of pain?

I have seen individuals become ill and their daily life is like a ‘living hell’ full of pain.  I find myself wondering whether this ‘one size fits all’ approach to keeping everyone alive as long as possible is rational.  

During my lifetime I have seen the typical life span increase with almost miraculous medical achievements.  Regardless of the various costs to the individual and those around him/her, we seem to believe that we should do everything possible to extend a person’s life regardless of whether the individual wishes those efforts made for him/her or these efforts drain our loved ones.

At the same time, I have seen more individuals take personal initiative for saying ‘enough is enough, let me go’ by writing living wills and issuing power of attorney that no extraordinary means be used to extend life. 

Depression is a symptom of many emotional illnesses.  One can wonder how we handle the mix of emotional and physical illness.  For example, should people be allowed to choose suicide as a reasonable alternative when their physical health has reach a certain stage and before depression makes death an attractive alternative to intense pain, physical or emotional?

After seeing patients in a hospital and some residents in a nursing home, I wonder who is being helped by prolonging the process of death:  the individual who has no quality of life left or those around who decide they are not prepared to ‘let go’ of a loved one.  These are real questions for one's personal value system and where discussion can be difficult.

It is easy to see why these are sensitive topics and questions for us to discuss about our own lives and with the ones for whom we care so much.    Even if it is difficult to be open and direct with discussion of wealth values and the process of dieing, who are we helping with personal health by ignoring their discussion even when they are present in every one of our Life Journeys?

Comments Welcome.   Email: silverchatlines@gmail.com

A Hole In Our Friendship Circle

Over the years of studying the characteristics and dynamics of friendships, there seem to be certain consistencies of behaviors and attitudes that remain with many individuals on their Life Journey.  Each of us seems to develop patterns early in our lives that we continue into our senior years.

In the early years we seek to understand the meaning of friendships and the value they have to ourselves as well as to the people who are important in our lives such as our parents.  In my case, during childhood a friend was any one who did not actively dislike me.  Fortunately, I grew more selective!

As the years pass, we find ourselves selecting and being selected by individuals as friends for a variety of reasons.  Our criteria for choosing a person as a friend eventually tends to be uniquely personal.  Being basically social animals, the one similarity is that we almost all recognize the need to have friends in our world.  We usually grow to define and recognize the differences between a friend and an acquaintance.

We not only use different criteria in selecting friends as the years pass and our history grows longer and more mature, we find that friends come and go.  Some stay for a short time and are quickly replaced while others may be with us for most of our life.


Like most living things, friendships which are not growing with energy and attention expended on them tend to be in the process of dieing.   

Unfortunately, a friendship may be ignored over time with only an exchange of holiday cards or a birthday email until suddenly the two parties involved realize they have a terminal case in this relationship.  When a friendship reaches the 'life support' stage, it is usually difficult, if not impossible, to return to active life.

While being similar in the behavior of developing a friendship circle, the dynamics of these circles we develop tend to be unique.   For example, some choose one or two people for their friendship group while others may have dozens.  Some may choose only those who can be geographically close; others can build their friendships around the world.  Some rely on similar interests and value systems; some stress diversity of characteristics.

As we age, there seems to be a tendency to reach a maximum number of persons that an individual wants to have in their friendship circle.  At some point, we seem to stop acquiring close friends, stick with the ones we have chosen so far and start building various degrees of acquaintanceship.  It is almost as if we subconsciously recognize that we have reached the limited number of the friendships we want and choose to handle at any one time in this world.

Also, as we age we tend to lose a lot of the situations where it is easier to build friendships such as school and at work.  Many of us may be content with the current number of friends we have.  It successfully complements the increasing interests we and others in our age group grow to have in adult children, grandchildren, health issues, etc.

Few of us stop to reflect on this evolution taking place in our lives since personal growth may not be strongly encouraged in our society and the process happens so slowly over a long period of time.  And, as we age, we are faced with the challenge that as a group we tend to dislike most change, especially any that illness or death may bring to us.  So, we often choose not to think about it.

At some age, we recognize that members of our friendship circle may be dieing.  Unlike the days of our youth, it is usually difficult to replace that friend with another person.   We suddenly discover that there is a hole in our friendship circle and it will remain there for the remainder of our days.  The years pass and the number of places once held by irreplaceable persons such as 'historical friends' become holes which remain empty as friends leave or die.

Some of may discover that our desire to be the ‘last one standing’ with a long life among our friends is no longer a desired goal.   It can get lonely in a hurry as the number of holes in our friendship circle may become more numerous with each passing year .

Those with only one or two friends suddenly grow very dependent on acquaintanceships.  Other recognize the value of investing time and energy into the friendships which are still present as they enhance meaning to what remains of our Life Journey.  

As with all aspects of our personal growth, we retain the power to define and choose what we want with our friendship circle during our Life Journey.  We also retain the power to choose whether we act to nurture or ignore in some form the friendships that we truly value.

Comment Welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Seeking Professional Counseling

At one time, it was a sign of shame that anyone would admit they needed some assistance with the many challenges that most of us face in the daily process of living life.

When I opened my first clinical practice in 1973 at a medical clinic in North Carolina, my office was placed in the back of the building so that no one could see into the waiting room.  There was a separate appointment book kept under the reception desk counter so that no one could accidentally read who had made an appointment.

Patients could even leave by a back door if privacy was a very important issue.  Naturally, only those with the most severe psychic pain chose to come to the office even though I was the only licensed psychologist in the county.  Reaching out to individuals with ‘normal’ pains and stresses was and is a continuing process for me.

Even with all of the progress of acceptability made in the mental health fields since 1973, it is unfortunate that much of our society today is more supportive and accepting of individuals with physical wounds and illness than emotional ones.

The counseling relationship is one that focuses on changing an individual's thought patterns and behaviors.  Most of us know that real change is seldom easy or pleasant.  Yet, without change, one is usually destined to continue with the same set of stresses which prevent the development of positive mental health.


Many individuals choose to use a friend's ear when they are in pain regardless of the friend's skills and abilities.  Most friends try to make the person feel better with their assistance.  Fortunately, a counselor is not restrained by this.  Counseling is often a process where the focus is healing and the goal is long-term health rather than situational quick-fixes.  During this process the individual may or may not feel better in the short term as he confronts and implements a healing program for his/her long-range emotional health.


A personal challenge for many is accepting the reality that they do need some type of professional assistance in handling their psychic pain.  Unfortunately, denial is a very strong defense mechanism as is rationalization while 'wishing' for magical change is always popular.

Even after an individual is willing to seek professional assistance for emotional problems, one of the remaining challenges for many is finding a qualified and suitable mental health professional with whom to visit and work on personal issues.

Like any service-related business, there are many ways to seek out a mental health professional.  The one that seems to work the best for many people is personal referral.  This method does require one to disclose to another that they are seeking mental health assistance and this may be uncomfortable for some.  However, input from someone who has received the same service can be very educational for what one is seeking.

It can be confusing to understand the difference between the various fields of mental health workers.  There are psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, licensed professional counselors, religious and spiritual advisers, etc.  It seems that there are many different counselor-types  for each individual to consider.

Self-education can help an individual tell the difference between what each specialty offers.  There are state licensing boards and professional organizations that can offer a great deal of assistance with the factual aspects of choosing a mental health professional.

While mental health counseling is a service-oriented process, choosing a counselor is far more personal than selecting a barber or car mechanic.  If one lives in a community with a diversity of mental health specialties, the most challenging part for an individual is finding the professional where there is a 'personal fit' as well as one who is professionally qualified in his/her knowledge.   This relationship is going to be very personal so finding a professional who has the personality that matches your needs is a fundamental beginning.

Other factors to consider will be cost (insurance-qualified), location and availability for appointments.  The factor considered the most important to many professionals is TRUST.   Is this person someone who I can trust with my most personal thoughts and feelings in a confidential setting without concern or apprehension?

One of the most frequent concerns for those who have not had professional counseling before, is the expectation that they need to find the “perfect counselor” the first time.  There is no such thing as a perfect counselor any more than there is a perfect spouse, parent, child, friend, job, church, etc. 

One may consider counseling as being similar to a dating process.   Most go on the first date to learn more about the other person and their reactions to them while placing themselves on display for the other. 

The main goal of a first date is often to determine if one wants to go on a second date.  The same is frequently true of a counseling session:  did you have a positive enough experience to want to return to spend more time and share more of self with this person?  

Some counselors talk about these feelings at the conclusion of the first session while others may not.  Some clients are comfortable discussing that their goals are or are not being met; others prefer to skip this.  Since it your counseling session, you have the right to express your expectations to the counselor.  

If you are not connecting with a professional counselor, many of them will assist you by making referrals to another counselor with whom you may find to be more personable to your style of communicating.

The main challenge is for the individual to be honest with him/herself in making a decision on what direction to go with their need to receive some type of external assistance in handling the normal stresses of living.  

There are many who believe God made plenty of humans so that we would never be without the opportunity for assistance on this earth when we need it.  Regardless of one's spiritual or religious beliefs, an individual is always free to seek out others who are willing to assist.  Whether one actually acts on this fact or makes the choice to retain their stresses is always a personal choice.

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