Helping You Do What You Need To Do

This essay may be a summary of what I have been attempting to offer over the past two years during this series of writings.  One of my life goals has been to leave a record of who I am truly as a person, aside from the various behaviors that are outwardly visible. 

During my years of teaching psychology and offering therapeutic counseling, I often began my classes and sessions with a Hugheyism: “I am here to help you do what you need to do.”

Many times I would often receive a blank stare from individuals.  This sentence seemed to be difficult for many to fully understand.   I was attempting to communicate how I saw my life role which was to be a helper/giver for their life.  Regardless of what I gave, each person was still responsible for deciding what they needed to receive and what to do with their personal Life Journey.

I see one of the basic roles in my Life Journey is to offer assistance to others in enriching their ability to fully live their lives regardless of our relationship.   I am free to offer or not offer this gift of assistance to others.  And, most important, others are free to accept or decline any gift that is offered to them.  


Like all behaviors we choose, there is a 'price' to be paid.  I realize that I have paid a price over the years for my choices, especially in those behaviors affecting my emotions.  Fortunately, in hindsight, I am pleased that I feel very few regrets for the choices I have made in meeting these life goals.

Sometimes I realize that gifts can be given for the benefit of the giver more than for the recipient of the gift.  These are so-called gifts which have expectations (or strings) attached.  Gifts with expectations become more like grants than true gifts.  I also strive to remind myself that whether I choose to make an individual's response to my gift offer into a ‘personal issue’  is my choice, especially if I have allowed an expectation to be created.

A challenging personal question for the giver of assistance is to be honest about what is the 'balance' each of us offer by helping others or how much is this gift for the giver’s benefit versus the recipient’s benefit.  Many of us find this very difficult to give ourselves an honest answer since it is usually in some degree both.   But the effort expended to be honest with ourselves to determine this balance is well worth the effort to self and others.

Another challenge for us is whether we are offering our assistance in a method that is beneficial to the recipient or is better suited to meeting our personal style in helping others.   For example, the recipient may need listening more than he/she needs our verbal wisdom or insight.  However, we may be more comfortable telling another what he/she should do.   So we often give gifts to others with strings attached.   Our assistance may often be given in the manner where we are most comfortable.

While we own any assistance offered or given to another,  the recipient owns how they communicate their openness and willingness for any help received.  There are some people who have issues with receiving gifts.  One can appreciate the kindness of someone offering a gift while not wishing for a variety of reasons to receive the specific gift offered.  

We can also clarify whether the gift-giving is to enhance a win-win outcome or does someone need to admit they need assistance by being 'weaker' or more needy than the giver.  One caution for those of us who like to give and assist others is to be aware that we may seek out and be sought out by  individuals who have needy personalities.

For example, it is difficult to love someone when they do not care about you to the same degree or in the same manner.  So, do we offer love and caring to another without condition of whether they indicate an openness to receive this specific gift in the form the giver wishes to use?  Our values and personal history will usually give us an answer regardless of the logic and rationality of the situation.

What if someone requests assistance from you and you are unclear about what is being asked or you are uncomfortable with the request?  This can be the time when you may need to establish that whatever gift you give does need to fit your own unique personality about giving and receiving rewards.  One healthy perspective is remembering that regardless of our desire to help others,  need will usually exceed our ability to supply.

My experience has taught me over the years that many people, if not most, have some awareness of what needs to be done to bring positive change into their world.  Often there is a need for assistance in structuring the change which works for them.  The challenge is often to find a true gift without expectations from another.   Another challenge is to find someone who will truly accept a gift without feeling an obligation to reciprocate.

I believe that I am present to assist others with my personal gifts in accomplishing whatever they have decided is best for their individual lives.   I do not make the decisions!  This role of being a helper and giver seems to have been one of  my major life goals.


Unfortunately, some seek assistance from others so that responsibility for the pain of thinking and behaving in healthy ways can be transferred to others.  Being aware of this behavior can clarify where and how one can be most helpful in offering help to others.

We all live with the personal limits of time, energy, resources, etc., in ourselves and in others.  Being honest with these limits is crucial in providing the gift of assisting others.

This series of essays on aids to positive personal growth, as seen through the experiences of one human being,  are offered as one way to assist the reader with his/her Life Journey.  There has no attempt to offer "the answer" to one's questions about the personal choices he/she makes.


I have learned that when I assist others to meet their goals in life, I have usually found myself achieving my own.

Hopefully you have been able to find something in this P4PL series that has been helpful to you in some personal way.  This is my gift to you.   The motivation to offer this gift of essays to assist you in doing whatever you need to do to enrich your Life Journey provides the goal for why they were written.

Comment welcome.