Interpersonal Discounting

When the blog about the learning and implementing the process of discounting ourselves was published in Power for Positive Living, it provoked one of the most numerous responses in this series of personal growth.  Lots of individuals found themselves identifying with the process of discounting their personal value in how they felt and behaved toward themselves. 

Knowing that one has decided on a goal of developing thoughts and behavior of positive affirmations toward self is an important beginning of change.  I compliment each of these persons for recognizing that change is needed to be an emotionally healthy person.

However, after years of working with people in developing behaviors that encourage and enhance interpersonal relationships with other people, I have found that many individuals need self-awareness of how they use the process of discounting others in an unhealthy way to enhance their perceptions of themselves.

One of the most frequent ways that we can discount the value of another person is to make the decision not to listen to what he/she are saying as they talk to us.  Many listen to a few words from another and then make the judgment that what they say does not have value.  So, we send a ‘message’ to the individual that we are discounting his or her talk and not listening.   We would send a different ‘message’ to someone who was giving a full-value (non-discounted) talk.

As humans, we all have the need to be heard and understood by others.  When we are discounted by the behaviors of not being heard by others while we talk, usually we experience hurt and rejection combined with feeling less important and of less value.

Another way to discount another person is to convey that what they are experiencing is ‘not so bad’ and, therefore, their feelings and thoughts are worth less (discounted) than someone who is experiencing some real problems (at least from our view point).

We can also use discounting when we are eager to tell the person that their problems can easily be solved if they will just be wise enough to listen to us with our full-valued ideas.  Some persons seek to affirm their own value by seeking out the holes in the thoughts of others and implement the process of discounting to reduce the value of another at the expense of enhancing ourselves.

As we may expect, there are numerous ways for us to discount others just as there seem to be endless ways for us to discount ourselves.  We can decline to affirm verbally when someone has accomplished a task with skill.  We can decide to contact or ignore communicating with some one by the frequency we choose.  Who do we choose to spend our time --- a valued person or a discounted one?  How do we choose to respond with our words and behaviors to the appearance of another person?  Are wealthier persons the ones we choose to value and discount the ones who are not winners in the game of making money?  Our choices in relating to others often seem endless with framing of the discounting role to hurt others being usually present.

Unfortunately, so many of us do not realize how we hurt people by engaging in discounting behaviors.  Often we are not even aware that we are even doing something that can be hurtful.


One method that manages to combine multiple ways is when we take what the other person is saying and re-interpret it to how it affects us.   This can combine the process of narcissism where the world is all about us even though this usage discounts our real value to ourselves as a human just as we are.  We discount the other person by demonstrating that their thoughts and behaviors are mis-directed toward themselves when they need to be focused on us.

Whether we are in the process of struggling with self-discounting and/or inflicting a discount on others, we are implementing a judgmental behavior on whether we or another are meeting the standard/expectations of what someone who is without flaws would be doing as a fully-valued person.

Having spent a lifetime learning how to value discounting behavior even when it is unhealthy and hurtful, making a change is usually difficult and challenging.  As usual with our personal growth, what we decide to do or not do with our emotional health is our individual choice.

Comments welcome.  Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Discounting

 One of the most exciting words for a true-blue shopper to hear is the word “discount”.  It seems to accelerate the blood flow and one’s adrenalin brings forth lots of excitement and anticipation of paying less for something of a greater value or price.

For many people, receiving something at a discount is a very positive experience.  This is generally true when one is discussing merchandise and other material items.  Some people even handle their dislike of aging by stating how much money they save with ‘senior discounts’.

However, the word discounting can take on an entirely different viewpoint when it is used to describe emotional feelings, thoughts and behaviors within a human being.  Do we take a concept that we believe is positive in the commercial world and turn it into a less healthy concept within our personal emotional world?

If one talks with many counselors, we may find that many issues such as anxiety, depressions, frustration, etc. often have a discounting component in their causations and dynamics.  My experience tends to confirm that the discounting of self with many people creates various types of emotional pain within the individual and frequently in their relationships with other people.

What is emotional discounting?  Naturally it comes in many forms with so many unique individuals in our society and the degree of intensity can also vary from person to person. 

Basically, personal discounting is a feeling, belief, attitude, or behavior in which we see ourselves as not measuring up to the true value of a standard or goal we or others have set for ourselves and/or other persons.   Since the ‘true value’ of some part of our emotional self has not been met, we tend to see it as being discounted (worth less) from that real value.

Part of being in our society is learning to judge and be judged.  We are informed early in life by parents, family, school, friends, employers, etc.  that we are to establish expectations of others and ourselves. 

If we meet these expectations, we consider ourselves to be successful.  If we do not, then we tend to ‘discount’ ourselves with labels like failure, unsuccessful, inadequate, frustrated, etc.  These labels that we use on ourselves tend to lead us to see ourselves as not being as valuable as those who are successful (in our minds) and, therefore, we are discounted individuals – at least in the area where we have not paid the expected value/price.

Like any repeated behavior, discounting one’s own value can become a habit and easily spread to many areas of our emotional lives.  We can become anxious or depressed when we see our personal value as being discounted from our expectations.  We can become frustrated when our habits are not easily changed when our expectation is that those persons with full value can do so.  We convince ourselves to pay a cheaper emotional price for our efforts and accomplishments because we are not a full-value person.

Discounting self often leads to negative affirmations of who we are and what we can and cannot do.  How can anyone expect us to be as valuable as those who are of full value?  Why would anyone pay attention to be with me and my average intelligence when they can get a full-valued person who is bright?  

Doesn’t our society show us on a daily basis that we consider beautiful persons to worth full value and others who are not beautiful to be discounted and of less value?  Do we not see that these full-valued beautiful persons are worthy of a bonus in our time, attention, dating, promotion, etc?  Do we value cute children as having more value than those of less physical attractiveness?

Being a habit, developing a positive affirmation of our self just as we are is most difficult for most of us.   To easily change our attitudes and behavior into positive affirmations of being persons of  full value takes a strong amount of determination, expended energy and the desire to manage this change in ourselves.

As always, the choices we make in managing our lives are ours.  We are the ones who decide the emotional price to be paid for the value we determine ourselves to be worth.

Comments Welcome.  Email: silverchatline@gmail.com