Loving The Unlovable

One of the mysteries in life is why certain individuals make an effort to exhibit behaviors and attitudes that cause others to dislike them.

In American culture, being liked by others is one of the top values we have in our social system.   So, if this is true, why do people of all ages and backgrounds sometimes seem so determined to be unlikable and unlovable?

One belief is that as social animals, we humans need to receive attention, positive if possible, from others in our world.  Our parents usually start this socialization process early in childhood training. 

They heavily reward the cute smiles, funny words, etc., which make their children likable to others and themselves.  And, they also discourage attitudes and behaviors that they and others do not like to see in their children.

This process is carried forth by others in the child’s world: family groups, social institutions, the school systems and eventually the world of work.  With all of this training, one would think that likeable and lovable individuals would surround us.

However, observation of our world tells us that this is not true.  There can be many possibilities for this.  One of the most obvious is that familiar saying: “different strokes for different folks”.  What is likable to one person may be unlikable to another.

However, the basis that seems most prevalent in individuals is that they do not all receive the same type, degree and quality of training as they grow up even though the goal of the training may be similar. 

Some parents have difficult material in their children with which to work and their own skills in this area of life may be lacking with the inability to alter it for their children.  Naturally, this can be present in the many other areas of an individual’s life as he/she grows.

My teaching career began with 200 9^th graders.  That first year I wondered why some students worked so diligently to be unpleasant to me while others made effort to be disliked by their fellow students. 

Being a symbol of authority and/or of parents would give me some legitimate rationale for being unlikable.  But, why work to be unlikable to your own peers when for many teens, the peer group thinking is like an adolescent religion?

It seemed to me that the ones who worked the hardest at being unlikable were the ones with the weakest skills in how to positively interact with others in their world.  

As a human, one of the most painful experiences in life is to be ignored.   If we do not know the positive ways to receive attention from others, many will choose negative ways rather than be ignored.

As I left teaching and went into clinical counseling practice, I eventually realized that many of the people coming to me with interpersonal difficulties in their lives were similar to my 9^th grade students.  For a variety of reasons, these individuals did not possess the positive skills to love/like themselves and they experienced negative difficulties with others in their world.

Whether it was in teaching or counseling, I concluded that the individuals who were the most unlikable and unlovable in their attitudes and behaviors were the very ones who needed positive attention the most.  Being lovable was most difficult for them and they exhibited unlikable behaviors just to be sure that they were not ignored.

My goal was to acknowledge this to myself and offer whatever I could to these individuals who needed the education, practice, and expression of positive affirmation for their human hood.  Likeable people are easy to love.

It is the unlikable people in our world that offer us a true opportunity to care for those who need it most.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Passion Versus Habit

 As each of us grows older, we are able to experience situations and changes that were not possible during our younger years. Even though the pattern is similar, going through the experiences of any particular year is unique for each of us.

For example, when we become ‘sweet 16’ there are plenty of role models and expectations from our family and friends on what types of behaviors and attitudes we can choose to exhibit.   Another plus is that most people live through their 16^th year of life so there are many models on how to manage the thoughts and feelings of that age.

This pattern can be repeated for many years and many special birthdays during the early years of our lives:  becoming 18, turning into an adult at 21, changing with the 30s, seeing middle age as we enter the 40s, getting the first AARP mailing and its implication of getting old at 50, realizing that retirement is getting closer to reality with the arrival of the 60s, health becomes a major issue and important people are dieing as we enter the 70s, etc.

Suddenly many people realize that they have had unique life journeys that have turned them into the individuals that they are today.   One may notice that there are fewer people in their age group to be role models or pass along society’s expectations as the years pass into our senior years. 

With this awareness we usually know that our lives will continue to change for whatever time we have left on this earth and in reality it is up to each of us to select any feelings, thoughts and behaviors to guide this time.

By the time we have reached the senior years, we are basically who we are and seldom is there much motivation to alter the ways we choose to manage the changes still taking place in our lives.  What we have learned to this point in life is usually the way many people will choose to live their final days.

An important question for many seniors is whether we have chosen a path of living our lives that becomes a habit.  Somewhere on our journey we may have found a way of living that seemed to fit our needs and seemed to work on handling the challenges of our lives.  It may or may not work as well in our senior years as it did when we were younger with the intensity of passion for the future.

Most of the people around us in their senior years frequently choose the habit style of living.  It is known, it is safe, it is comfortable, etc.  If this pattern is so frequently chosen, then what is the price that we pay for managing life in this manner?  By the senior years, we all know that any choice we make has a price of some type.

So, what price is often paid for the pattern of not changing our life significantly during our senior years?  For many, the price that frequently seems to have been paid is the absence of or lessening of passion as an active part of our daily life. 

Passions from our younger years can be those areas of life which energized us, challenged us, created adventures, encouraged us to love and be loved, learn about new subjects and people, create new hobbies or interests, invite intensity to remain in our daily feelings, take risks, etc.

Of course, passion can be tempered and lessened at any time during our life journey.   Some lose it early and most of their lives may be lived in a habitual format.  The intense passionate part of our personalities can be lost slowly over the years or more quickly when one decides that they are ‘old’ and it is time to ‘act their age’.  Retaining passion in our lives can take lots of work and extract high and various types of prices to be paid.

So, as we watch the birthdays roll onward, which choices are we going to make on this particular continuum of actively retaining the values of passion in our lives or let them go for the easier path of having a pattern of habits guide us in life?  Our opportunity to choose never ends.

Comments Welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com