Life's Last Chapter

 

For many reasons, there are some topics that are difficult and uncomfortable for most of us to discuss openly and directly with others.  Two of these seem to be our personal wealth (reflecting how ‘valuable’ and ‘successful’ we have been during life) and the last chapter of our Life Journey, our death.

For many, the amount of wealth we have at various stages of life is similar to the ‘score’ we have on life’s scoreboard.  By the time we reach the concluding life chapter, we and some others may be tempted to declare ourselves as ‘winners’ or ‘losers’ using the criteria of wealth we have acquired before we die. 

It is sad to see individuals who view their lives as being about winning at the game of making money and accumulating it for others to see as a trophy of living a successful life.   We know from King Tut and others that we cannot take our wealth with us as we depart this part of life, so we get to exercise our personal value system by directing what happens to our wealth when we die.

Other than the ones who die without making a conscious choice (no will), our wealth can be directed to family, friends, other loved ones, charities, etc.  However, it is unfortunate that so many individuals do not choose to be open and directly discuss the status of their wealth and their preferences for its use before the arrival of death. 

They are some who have a goal of punishing others by the denial of sharing their wealth.  Others wait until their death to reward individuals that they chose not to do in life.  Personally, I have always believed that sending me flowers while I am healthy and alive is so much better for me than waiting until I pass and am unable to enjoy them.

For some, discussing wealth and death is like an exploration of self-esteem.  Most of us want to die feeling good about our lives.   If we are disappointed about our wealth accumulation, we may prefer to ignore the topic.  Wealth discussion seems to be a very sensitive topic for many.   Others seem to see such discussion as being contagious; they will ‘catch’ death or poverty if these are brought into the open.  Denial is a very effective ego defense mechanism for a reason!

The second sensitive topic that seems uncomfortable for many to discuss is the healthy living of the last chapter of our life journey. This includes how we think and feel about the inevitable time of dieing.  

If one is alive, we can be sure that at some time we are all going to die.  As I age, I find it more difficult to find persons who are comfortable exploring with me such areas as life’s relationship to dieing.   To me, healthy living is seeing the process of dieing as part of the process of living, not as components separate from each other.

Our culture is full of many options on how we handle our own death as well as those around us.   As each of my birthdays arrive I am happy for the joys of living another year with this wonderful gift of life.  I am also aware that I am one year closer to dieing and I am faced with the choices of how I want to live this concluding time period.   I still do retain choices on how I manage this last chapter!

As mentioned above, one of the most difficult conversational challenges I have faced with my own aging is finding persons who are comfortable discussing openly and directly the living of this last life chapter with the physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, religious, etc., characteristics of this period.

 I am reminded of a saying from the ‘old folks’ of my childhood:

“Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die.”  It seems that our culture has decided that it is in the best interest of all that everyone strive to live as long as possible.  Why not have the options of embracing death, if we believe that a better place awaits our loved ones and us or when we prefer to leave life which has lost its quality and one that may be full of pain?

I have seen individuals become ill and their daily life is like a ‘living hell’ full of pain.  I find myself wondering whether this ‘one size fits all’ approach to keeping everyone alive as long as possible is rational.  

During my lifetime I have seen the typical life span increase with almost miraculous medical achievements.  Regardless of the various costs to the individual and those around him/her, we seem to believe that we should do everything possible to extend a person’s life regardless of whether the individual wishes those efforts made for him/her or these efforts drain our loved ones.

At the same time, I have seen more individuals take personal initiative for saying ‘enough is enough, let me go’ by writing living wills and issuing power of attorney that no extraordinary means be used to extend life. 

Depression is a symptom of many emotional illnesses.  One can wonder how we handle the mix of emotional and physical illness.  For example, should people be allowed to choose suicide as a reasonable alternative when their physical health has reach a certain stage and before depression makes death an attractive alternative to intense pain, physical or emotional?

After seeing patients in a hospital and some residents in a nursing home, I wonder who is being helped by prolonging the process of death:  the individual who has no quality of life left or those around who decide they are not prepared to ‘let go’ of a loved one.  These are real questions for one's personal value system and where discussion can be difficult.

It is easy to see why these are sensitive topics and questions for us to discuss about our own lives and with the ones for whom we care so much.    Even if it is difficult to be open and direct with discussion of wealth values and the process of dieing, who are we helping with personal health by ignoring their discussion even when they are present in every one of our Life Journeys?

Comments Welcome.   Email: silverchatlines@gmail.com

A Hole In Our Friendship Circle

Over the years of studying the characteristics and dynamics of friendships, there seem to be certain consistencies of behaviors and attitudes that remain with many individuals on their Life Journey.  Each of us seems to develop patterns early in our lives that we continue into our senior years.

In the early years we seek to understand the meaning of friendships and the value they have to ourselves as well as to the people who are important in our lives such as our parents.  In my case, during childhood a friend was any one who did not actively dislike me.  Fortunately, I grew more selective!

As the years pass, we find ourselves selecting and being selected by individuals as friends for a variety of reasons.  Our criteria for choosing a person as a friend eventually tends to be uniquely personal.  Being basically social animals, the one similarity is that we almost all recognize the need to have friends in our world.  We usually grow to define and recognize the differences between a friend and an acquaintance.

We not only use different criteria in selecting friends as the years pass and our history grows longer and more mature, we find that friends come and go.  Some stay for a short time and are quickly replaced while others may be with us for most of our life.


Like most living things, friendships which are not growing with energy and attention expended on them tend to be in the process of dieing.   

Unfortunately, a friendship may be ignored over time with only an exchange of holiday cards or a birthday email until suddenly the two parties involved realize they have a terminal case in this relationship.  When a friendship reaches the 'life support' stage, it is usually difficult, if not impossible, to return to active life.

While being similar in the behavior of developing a friendship circle, the dynamics of these circles we develop tend to be unique.   For example, some choose one or two people for their friendship group while others may have dozens.  Some may choose only those who can be geographically close; others can build their friendships around the world.  Some rely on similar interests and value systems; some stress diversity of characteristics.

As we age, there seems to be a tendency to reach a maximum number of persons that an individual wants to have in their friendship circle.  At some point, we seem to stop acquiring close friends, stick with the ones we have chosen so far and start building various degrees of acquaintanceship.  It is almost as if we subconsciously recognize that we have reached the limited number of the friendships we want and choose to handle at any one time in this world.

Also, as we age we tend to lose a lot of the situations where it is easier to build friendships such as school and at work.  Many of us may be content with the current number of friends we have.  It successfully complements the increasing interests we and others in our age group grow to have in adult children, grandchildren, health issues, etc.

Few of us stop to reflect on this evolution taking place in our lives since personal growth may not be strongly encouraged in our society and the process happens so slowly over a long period of time.  And, as we age, we are faced with the challenge that as a group we tend to dislike most change, especially any that illness or death may bring to us.  So, we often choose not to think about it.

At some age, we recognize that members of our friendship circle may be dieing.  Unlike the days of our youth, it is usually difficult to replace that friend with another person.   We suddenly discover that there is a hole in our friendship circle and it will remain there for the remainder of our days.  The years pass and the number of places once held by irreplaceable persons such as 'historical friends' become holes which remain empty as friends leave or die.

Some of may discover that our desire to be the ‘last one standing’ with a long life among our friends is no longer a desired goal.   It can get lonely in a hurry as the number of holes in our friendship circle may become more numerous with each passing year .

Those with only one or two friends suddenly grow very dependent on acquaintanceships.  Other recognize the value of investing time and energy into the friendships which are still present as they enhance meaning to what remains of our Life Journey.  

As with all aspects of our personal growth, we retain the power to define and choose what we want with our friendship circle during our Life Journey.  We also retain the power to choose whether we act to nurture or ignore in some form the friendships that we truly value.

Comment Welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com