Joy of Learning

As the years pass by more rapidly than ever, I find that there is one aspect of life that continues to energize me and bring joy to my world:  the process of learning.

During this past holiday season I became aware of one way in which my 14-month old grand nephew and I are the same; we both experience the process of learning and get excited by the outcome.

I have watched my grand nephew go through the process of sitting in the middle to a room watching with his big brown eyes all that is going on around him and yet not able to do anything about his curiosity.  One day he discovered the process of crawling and he was off to see the limits of his world.

He then began to reach out to various pieces of furniture and discovered that he had the ability to pull himself up to a standing position.  After numerous falls, he finally discovered the process of going from standing still with support to the behavior of moving his legs and walking.  

Each phase of his learning success brings light and happiness to his face and he is so proud to show off his latest accomplishment for family and friends.

Earlier this week I experienced a similar process.  As a senior citizen I am many years older than my grand nephew.  My age also contributes to me being one of the technology-challenged of our society and I can usually count on my computer and other digital gadgets to be a producer of anxiety and stress in my world.

This is the fourth month of this blog series and I decided that it was time to change the photograph of myself that is placed with the published articles.  The idea of making a change in format structure by myself without a tech-savvy person to assist produced a good dose of apprehension for me.

However, like my young grand nephew I decided that I wanted to learn how to do it by myself.  While always grateful for assistance from others, this was a process that I wanted to experiment with until I could successfully change that photograph.

So, on New Year’s Day, I opened the blog format and charged into the process of photograph change.   Like my nephew’s numerous unsuccessful attempts on the way to the successful process of walking, I made numerous errors of my own.  Most of all, I just kept trying!

I was finally was able to erase the previous photograph and replace it with a new one.  I was so excited and full of joy to have successfully accomplished this goal.

When I am able to do a successful technology feat, my emotions come alive like fireworks on July 4^th!  I want to show off my tech accomplishment for all to see.  I have learned!

At that moment of achievement I felt so connected to my grand nephew as we both continue on the adventures of learning.  I believe we have this joint journey for the remainder of our lives!

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Saying Goodbye

Our lives are full of people who enter and leave our lives. Some stay a long time like our parents, relatives, or “historical” friends. Others pass through our lives so quickly, that often it is difficult to recall whether they ever were present.


For most of us, saying “hello” is the easier part of developing a relationship. For the true short-timers in our lives, we can often get a “hello” and “goodbye” in the same sentence.


After some time has been spent with another person, we develop some degree and variety of attachment to them. For a shallow degree of attachment, it easy is to let go of a person from our lives and say goodbye.


The reverse is also true where we have invested a great deal of time and energy to a relationship. We find it difficult to conclude a deep/close relationship with a goodbye that is positive for our own health.


The intensity of our reactions to handling a goodbye depends on a number of factors. For example, it usually easier for the person who is leaving for some other place to say goodbye. For the one who is left remaining in the same place/situation, it frequently is more difficult to feel good about a goodbye.


If the goodbye has a time limit such as when one goes on a two-week vacation, we usually find easier to say goodbye than when the departure is open-ended or permanent. It can also be easier to say goodbye when the departure brings a sense of relief to one or both of the parties involved.


Even though our lives have many goodbyes taking place over the years, it is much more difficult for some to verbalize a goodbye than it is for others. Some find it so difficult that they cannot do it in any manner and they depart without any form of goodbye. The one who is left just notices that the person is no longer present in their world. These people are left with the feeling of “what happened” or they may decide to embrace a neurotic behavior such as wondering “what did I do wrong to have this happen?”


For other people, they may dislike the discomfort of verbally telling another goodbye or saying it face-to-face where they are open to questions from the one being left. These persons may prefer to use a written form such as emails or “Dear John” –type of letters.


In our society the most difficult goodbye that we face is when a person we love and care about is about to die. We have a difficult time talking about death. We usually have difficulty talking directly with a family member and/or dear friend who are in their last days.


Pain is often present when the one who is departing is ready to say goodbye, while their family and friends are not ready to let them go. We are who are left behind find it so difficult to let go -- even when in our hearts we know that it may be better for the other person to leave. Sometimes it is more difficult than we can handle, so we think of ways of delaying the enviable goodbye by not talking about it or rationalizing our behavior it some manner.


Yes, saying a healthy goodbye is one of many life challenges. As with so many aspects of living, we each individually are the ones who choose how we behave.


Goodbye to 2009. What choices will you make to have a positive and happy 2010?


Comments are welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Singing Pigs

“Do not try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”


While this life guideline can often bring a smile to our faces, it contains very wise concepts of how to be happier as an individual while improving one’s relationship with other people.


One of the secrets that many of us try to hide from others and ourselves is that our lives would be so much easier if other people would change to think and behave like we think they should.


Since most of us believe that our way of seeing or doing something is the best, or even the correct way, we often fantasize how much better the world would be if people and things worked as we believe they should.


We all know people who are trying to change us to their way of thinking and behaving. Just think of politics and religion as two of the areas where deep intensity of emotions can be invoked. As usual, with many conversations, most of the participants want to talk, not listen, in their efforts to “enlighten” another person.


We could note less explosive areas like choice of movies, dining out, vacation preferences, buying a new car, handling some extra and unexpected funds, values in raising a child, etc. We all have opinions and it can be very frustrating for many when others do not see the world as we see it.


Trying to change one’s self is difficult and very challenging work --- and usually has the chance to succeed only IF the person truly wants to change and is willing to make the efforts involved.


It is even more difficult to change another person since most people do not want to change from their values, beliefs and behaviors. After all, their personal history and life journey have led them to who they are. If we are wise, we learn to take people as they are.


However, many still tend to attempt changing others because it brings comfort and compatibility to their way of seeing the world. In essence, we try the impossible: teaching a pig to sing. We spend hours trying, usually with the rationalization that it is for the other person’s own good. Seldom do we admit that our efforts are directed toward making our own life easier.


Naturally, since most people do not want to change and will resist these efforts, our attempts to make pigs sings are usually a big waste of our time, energy and full of frustration.


Realistically we know that people get annoyed when someone is trying to put pressure on us to do something we do not want or cannot do. Yet, for some reason, we tend to be surprised when the pig becomes annoyed just as most humans do.


While the world may be a more comfortable place if everyone thought and behaved as we think they should, the reality is we are healthier if we can accept the lesson given to us by those who accept that pigs do not sing: trying to make a person change is a waste of our energy and annoys others.


Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Holiday Expectations

The Christmas holiday season is one of the most significant times of the year for many of us. Starting in September, if not sooner, our culture encourages us to begin thinking about the holiday season and begin to make plans ranging from the gifts to be given, travel arrangements to be with family/friends or be at some relaxing/exotic destination.


Even with all of the emphasis and encouragement placed on convincing us that this period of time will be a happy season with peace on earth and good will toward others, some of us are surprised to find there are feelings of sadness and disappointment in ourselves and with many others.


Based on our personal history, we each carry our individual expectations of what this season should be and how we should feel about ourselves and what is happening around us. Some persons are determined to be happy and enjoy this season regardless of what takes place around them. Others will make choices of being unhappy about the season regardless of how many positive opportunities they have to experience enjoyment.


Our personal expectations of others and ourselves can often be the determining guide as to how we respond to a holiday season. For example, if we are able to meet what we see ourselves as needing to feel good about the circumstances of the holidays, then, usually, we are happy. If we see ourselves as falling short of these personal expectations in some manner, then we are likely to be unhappy.


The same holds true of our expectations of how others should be feeling and behaving during this season. If they meet our expectations, we are happy; if not, then we tend to experience a degree of disappointment.


So, we can conclude that our feelings about the holiday season are basically an extension of how we choose to build and feel about our expectations during the remainder of the year.


If we believe that the world revolves around our wants and needs, then our expectations will frequently not be met and we will be disappointed.


If our expectations for others and ourselves are set too high, we find ourselves with feelings of failure and unhappiness.


If we remember that people behave during the holidays, just as they do during the remainder of the year, to meet their needs, NOT our needs, then our expectations usually lead us to happiness with others.


As with all of our holiday and non-holiday choices, the way we choose to feel and behave during the holiday is always a personal choice. When we set expectations for ourselves, other people and the holiday period on a realistic level, we prepare for the outcomes we actually wish to have happen.


Happiness and joy are just waiting to be chosen by each of us!


Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Historical Friends

When I was a young child, finding and keeping friends was relatively easy for me.


First, like others of my age, I was seeking to find friends in our peer group. Finding friends is easier when everyone around you is doing the same thing.


Second, qualifications to be my friend were easy to meet. Almost anyone who did not dislike me and did not participate in bullying me due to my limited athletic abilities was eligible and eagerly accepted by me.


As the years have passed, the situation in finding and maintaining friendships evolved into new standards, qualifications and behaviors. People came into my life, made their mark in some unique manner and then passed out of my world.


Unlike childhood, I found that some people had a numerical limit on the number of people allowed in their friendship circle. I discovered that appearance, race, parental status, maturity, various types of popularity, similar interests, etc., all led to the arrival and departure of friends.


A major change for me in finding peer group friends was graduation from college and graduate school. I became aware that the number of people available to build a friendship seemed to decrease in number. Fortunately as an adult, I was also able to increase the number of locations in which to seek friendships.


I have always considered myself fortunate in the special individuals that I have had as friends over the years. Even though many have entered and left my life, each did make a unique mark on me in some manner.


My biological family is small in number and I feel blessed to be able to enlarge my social family by the building of friendships through the power of choice. It is still an honor when someone gives me the gift of choosing me to be a friend and I value highly that same gift when given to another.


Although this pattern is familiar to many people, I have always felt especially blessed for the individuals who have shared a friendship with me for a long period of time. Most of these are many years or decades in length. I call them my historical friends.


In October I celebrated my birth month. One friend of 35 years was kind and generous with the gift of a plane ticket to Hawaii. On Oahu I visited a friend of 31 years. On Molokai I visited with a friend of 25 years. Being able to have these individuals, along with many others, in my life for long periods of time is a true treasure for me.


Historical friends are those wonderful people who give the gift of their love and caring year after year. They seek to actively participate in my world. They are available for conversations and problem solving with non-questionable gifts of directness, caring, creativity and honesty.


As I live the senior years portion of my life journey, I grow even more appreciative of the significant roles these treasured historical friends play in the quality of my life.


Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Red Ink

A line from a song I know goes like this: “If I am 98% perfect in everything I do, it will be the 2% I remember when all is through”.


As a teacher and counselor I have found this view of perfectionism to be far more prevalent than many of us know or are willing to acknowledge. Yes, we are aware that many have traces of perfectionist behaviors and thoughts, but so often it is perceived as just another trait of living.


One of my early memories as a student in elementary school was receiving a paper back from my teacher that was covered with red ink. It was difficult to see any of what I had written due to the corrections made using red ink by the teacher.


I recall feeling bad that I had done so poorly in my work. The large amount of red ink conveyed to me that I had done nothing right and I was very deficient in my knowledge. There was no acknowledging of anything that I had done right or information that I had learned.


Looking back at this event and others like it, I found myself wondering if the teacher(s) was determined to use up a certain amount of red ink each school year or whether certain students like myself were thought to be able to learn more effectively if our mistakes were pointed out to us in a repetitive manner.


Fortunately, I was able to eventually have teachers who believed that encouragement of positive achievement was most effective for my learning. Also, I was blessed to have parents who were focused on aiding me to learn with a variety of techniques and encouraging me for my positive achievements.


When I became a teacher for two years to pay back a state governmental loan, I made myself a promise that I would never use red ink in marking a student’s work. My favorite ink color to use was green, but I also used a variety of colors to keep any one color from becoming THE color of right or wrong.


I also made the decision that whenever I marked student work, I would always focus on marking the correct answers if there was a right/wrong response. Also, I decided to write positive comments about the students' work. I would use words like ‘needs change’ to indicate anything that my own teachers would have marked in red as being ‘wrong’.


Sometimes as an adult, I still feel the scars left by ‘red ink thinking’. Like the opening line from the song at the beginning of this piece, I continue the battle to avoid focus on my shortcomings rather than my positive skills. The scars left on us by unknowing people in our lives from childhood often continues to influence us when we are adults.


One of our personal goals of adulthood can be to use our energy and strength to enlarge our own positive self-esteem by choosing to focus our attention on that 98%.


Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Just Fine

Many of us recognize that a number of our interactions with other people are ritualized. We as a society have agreed that following certain behaviors and having certain attitudes help us get along with each other.


In order to give these rituals certain validity, we attach the label of ‘normal’ so that others and we can feel more comfortable. To not be ‘normal’ is usually classified as being defective or dysfunctional; we justify ourselves by attaching the label of ‘abnormal’ on different behaviors and attitudes.


One of the most interesting rituals to me is asking a question of someone when we meet and then not even making a pretense of listening to the response.


Rather than say “Hi” or “Hello” or “Good Morning” where no response is solicited and none is expected, many people choose another form of greeting which comes in a question form.


Back in the old days of college teaching, I taught a class entitled Abnormal Psychology (now called Psychopathology). One goal I had was for the student to experience the feelings that come when others see one as being abnormal. And, I do believe that people do let you know when you are not meeting their expectations of social behavior!


One of the class assignments for each student was to structure some type of behavior where others would see him/her as being “odd, weird, or strange” (but, always legal). Each student was to practice this behavior in front of others without telling them what they were doing. Then they recorded how they themselves reacted to doing the behavior and how they felt with the reactions from others.


One of my favorites was when a student decided to create a ‘non-normal’ response to the inquiry: “how are you?” or “how it is going?” as he walked across the college campus.


One of his responses was: “I died this morning, but am just FINE”. He wanted to test how many people bother to listen to his response to their question. The response rate for those who stopped and asked him about what he said ranged from 15 to 20%. When tried in different ways during different semesters, the outcome was about the same; one is lucky if 1 in 5 persons hear what we said as we greet each other.


Most of the people who have heard me share my views about our interpersonal behaviors with each other, know that I believe that there are very, very few listeners in this world whether it be to those we know or do not know. We seem most comfortable in greeting others when we hear the response of “just fine” even when we need to fill in those words as a response.


Perhaps as a personal challenge along our own path of personal growth we could practice listening to responses if we choose to ask a question of another person.


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