LOVE EXPECTATIONS

There are many factors that influence our effectiveness in communicating with other people.  Some of these factors are our own personal traits, others are unique characteristics of other people and some are the influences of the society in which we live.

One of the most challenging factors for us is when we are using the same word and yet the parties involved have different definitions for that word.   I can say the word ‘frequently’.  To one person that may mean something happens every week of the year while another may see the word as indicating something that happens every hour of most days.

There are many words in our language that open themselves open to a multiple range of meanings.   Examples like these often lead to us having different expectations when we try to communicate effectively so that we do understand what each is saying even when we use the same language.

As a counselor it does not one long to become aware of how many different meanings the word ‘love’ has and the numerous expectations that come with the use of that word.  Oh, how many hearts have been broken when one has expectations of self and another in the areas of love, while a reverse set of expectations of the same word is taking place in the other person!

The following quotation illustrates the difficulties better than anything I could write.  The author is Glenn Pease.  The quotation’s content provides each of us much to think about over and over.  As we proceed on our Life’s Journey, we gain new experiences for the meanings of this one word that is so powerful on the quality of our lives.

“I like every man and woman, want to be loved.  But, like every man and woman, I have my own idea, grounded in my own personality and temperament and experience of what loving and being loved means.

“Moreover, locked in the prison of my own ways of thinking and feeling, I frequently assume that my definition of love is the only correct one.  As a result, I want and expect to be loved in the same way that I love others, with the same responses that I interpret as evidence of lovingness.

“But, I am not loved in that way.   Instead (and quite logically, if one can be that logical about this), I m loved in the way that my partner thinks and feels about love, the way he or she understands and expresses it.

“In my own distress, I often do not recognize that my partner is experiencing the same incongruity in reverse.  So, puzzled, hurt and unable to communicate our confusion to each other, we both understandably feel unloved.”

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Listening Is Loving

How many people in your world do you consider to be good listeners?  How many of these same people would consider you to be a good friend?

It is probably fair to say that most of us believe that the world is short of people who care to listen to us.  It is rare for any of us not to have at least once complained in our lives that we are irritated or angry when a specific person chooses not to listen to us, especially since we believe we have something important to say.

There are many ways to show others that we care for them and that we love them as family and friends.  One of the most valued ways that we convey this love is when we choose to give another person the gift of our listening to them. 

Because this gift often appears so simplistic and seems easy to give, we often overlook its value in expressing our love for another.  Yes, when we decide to listen to someone, we also decide to give him or her a gift of human love.

Lots of articles have been written about the skills of active and passive listening.  Is one method any better or more effective in conveying our caring than the other?  Is one way easier for us to externally demonstrate that our listening is a gift of love?

Active listening usually includes the exchange of words, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc.  We use various methods to structure an atmosphere where people can freely express themselves.  We ask questions not for the answers we want to hear, but to encourage another to seek a personal answer that will allow him or her to understand better their own self-image.

With active listening, our comments are offered to encourage people to talk about themselves.  We can offer statements that reflect our understanding of what is being said in an effort to help the individual better clarify their responses.  We can offer encouragement with statements like “tell me more about that”.

With active listening we can use eye contact and body posture to indicate that we really are listening to the person rather than just waiting for them to finish their thoughts so that we can move on to what many consider more important --- what I have to say.

The way we choose to indicate our gift of listening to another depends on the traits of that individual.   Just as we purchase gifts individually rather than try to give a “one gift fits all” approach, our gift of listening should also be individualized.

Sometimes an individual prefers the gift of passive listening.  With this form of listening, we usually rely more on non-verbal cues to indicate that we are present, we care and we are closely listening to what is being said. 

Non-verbal cues can be offered by nodding of the head, smiling, leaning forward to be closer to the person, offer short phrases like “yes, I see”, or being willing to sit in silence.  Passive listening is focused on attempting to minimize the chance that our words can interfere with our gift of listening.

One of the realities in our world is that most people think about me far less frequently than I do.   When I find a true listener who loves me by listening, I respond positively to that treasure.  And, when I want to convey my love for another, I tell them that I am thinking of them before myself by giving the gift of listening.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Poor Me

There are many choices for each of us in how we wish to interact with the people around us.  Most of these choices are based on our core beliefs about ourselves and other people.

If we have a positive and healthy self-image of ourselves with a belief system that encourages us to respect and nurture ourselves, we tend to choose attitudes and behaviors that bring happiness and cheerfulness to others and ourselves.

One of the most challenging behavior patterns that we face in ourselves is the temptation to practice victimology, a way of interacting with the world in the life style of being a victim. Unfortunately, some aspects of our society make it easy to take on this victim role and thus it does become a challenge for us not to see ourselves as a person with a big “V” stamped on our forehead.

Our minds tell us rationally and logically that being a victim is no fun and usually brings stress and anxiety into our lives.  So, why do so many choose this way of behaving?

First, when we see ourselves as a victim, it is often with the sincere belief that this is true and we are unable to make choices that are different.  It is difficult to use reason to challenge a strong personal belief such as not being able to truly choose.  One of the functions of each person’s belief system is to protect and defend the view we have of the individual we see ourselves as being.  We often will argue long and hard to convince ourselves that our perception of personal reality is true and our ability to make choices is limited.

Second, it is unfortunate that being a victim tends to feel good for many.   If we have poor self-image, being a victim acts as a confirmation of our belief.  We are then right about ourselves and that usually feels better for most people than being wrong!

Third, being a victim elicits some degree of sympathy and caring from people around us.  People who see themselves as kind and helpful people like to assist victims since that behavior also supports their own self-image.  Also, people will tend to defer to the victim’s needs by sacrificing some of their own.

Fourth, a victim is usually allowed some relief from any personal responsibility that they might have for the messed-up situation in which they find themselves.  Personal responsibility for the choices we make in behaviors and attitudes can be a heavy burden for many people.  For these individuals, it is easier to be free of responsibility and allow victim hood to take over.  Being free of our own responsibility allows us to pass it along to those who get their positive self-image by being helpful to the victims of the world.

Are there situations in our world where people truly are victims of circumstances and where they do not have choices about what happens to them?  Of course there are.  

We do not choose to bring natural disasters like tornados or earthquakes into our lives.  We do not choose to acquire a cancer or lose a loved one.  We can be victims and truly need assistance from others of the human family.  

For the healthy person, the choice is how to take the victim-status situation and seek ways to confront and manage ourselves positively for change rather than being a victim with a continuous life style of “poor me”.

Comments Welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Changing Belief Systems

We start our life journey with the care and support of our parents.

One of their primary jobs is to establish the basic systems of beliefs that are important to them and they believe will enable their children to have healthy and productive lives.

Just as there are many ways of raising children, there are many different core belief systems available for parents to teach as their children grow from babies into adults.   It is not unusual for parents to teach the system of beliefs about life that they were taught themselves by their own parents.  This pattern establishes a history for many beliefs to pass from generation to generation.

One of the ways for groups to live and work together is to have some core beliefs that encourage cohesive forces to operate.  Having a similar belief system allows us to understand others and for them to feel safer and more comfortable around us. 

Therefore, almost all of the groups in our society, including the society itself, work to structure and encourage similar beliefs so that we can function together and minimize or avoid the time and energy drained when there is discord.  Without the presence of similarity in cohesive core beliefs, it is almost impossible for a group to survive for any significant period of time.

Regardless of what our parents teach or social organizations impose, there are always a few persons who choose not to subscribe to what they were taught is the best way to live life.

They may choose to rebel again the core beliefs of a group such as the many schools where the norm is that everyone learns best in the same way and at the same pace with the same 50-minute period of time.  A choice of individuality in learning or any other behavior/belief usually brings conflict between the individual and the group.  To avoid these conflicts, groups use strong pressures to keep everyone on the same page of beliefs.

As one grows older, he/she finds that many of the beliefs that they have been taught are no longer true for them.  Some are able to confront these and make the change easily such as there is no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny.   Changes like the reality that not everyone has an equal chance to be President of the United States are usually not too difficult for most of us.

However, if an individual decides to challenge and change his/her belief in other areas, they often find themselves threatening to many groups in which they live their lives.

Groups have various degrees of difficulty in allowing individuals to change beliefs as:

·      Going to college is the best way to get a good-paying job.

·      There is on only one way to be patriotic.

·      My religion is the only one that is true for all people.

·      Being completely honest in all behavior is best for all.

·      Hard work is the best way to economic success.

·      Certain ethnic groups have unique negative characteristics.

·      Capitalism is the best economic system in the world.

·      All people prefer to live with a democratic government.

·      Fighting for what you believe is the best way to achieve it.

·      Living in a similar style of house is the best way to protect my property values.

As we travel along life’s path, we are constantly challenged to evaluate and make choices about the beliefs that we have been taught are best.   If we decide to make changes in these beliefs, we soon find that we have minimum support from most of our society.

Comments Welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

What Is A Friend?

Since the formation of Friend Ship Services many years ago, there have been many definitions of what the word friend means to the various people who have participated in our personal retreat programming.  The definition I have used for myself over the decades is one written by C. Raymond Beran.

What is a Friend?  I will tell you.

It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself.

Your soul can be naked with him.

He seems to ask of you to put on nothing, only to be what you are.

He does not want you to be better or worse.

When you are with him, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent.

You do not have to be on your guard.

You can say what you think, as long as it is genuinely you.

He understands those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you.

With him you breathe freely.

You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities and, in opening them up to him, they are lost, dissolved on the white oceans of his loyalty.

He understands.

You do not have to be careful.

You can neglect him, tolerate him.

Best of all, you can keep still with him.

It makes no matter.  He likes you.

He is like fire that purges to the bone.

He understands.

You can weep with him, sin with him, laugh with him.

Through it all – and underneath – he sees, knows and loves you.

A friend?  What is a friend?

Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself.

A concept that is easy to say.  A concept that is difficult to implement and make part of our everyday lives.

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Internal Goodbyes

When I ask someone how they handle the goodbyes in their lives, the response is almost always about the separation/departure between themselves and others. 

These goodbyes are very important to our emotional health and our socialization with other people as discussed in an earlier blog.  Usually there is some type of psychic pain and sense of loss.  We know that that these external goodbyes are part of our life pattern, but experience and practice seldom makes them any easier to manage.

Frequently overlooked are the internal goodbyes that we all experience in our life journeys.  First, there is the transition from being a baby to being a child.  Our world changes as we move from the absolute dependence of being a baby into childhood where there is still heavy dependence on others, but the slow process of growing into an independent individual truly begins.

Saying goodbye to being a baby and growing into a child where we learn to walk and talk can be difficult for some children more than others as evidenced by ‘the terrible twos’.  There are almost no expectations of a baby; the adult world is ready 24/7 to meet one’s needs.  With the arrival of talking and walking, we say goodbye to babyhood and adults develop expectations that we will behave in a certain manner.

In a way, each birthday is an internal marker that we are saying goodbye to one chapter in our lives and entering a new one.  This process can begin on the first birthday and continues throughout our lives until the last one we celebrate.

Some internal goodbyes are marked by our society as being more special than others.   When we leave the age of 12 and become an adolescent, we say goodbye internally to childhood and move on to the expectations of being a teenager.   There are even sub-chapters within some groups like adolescence when we say goodbye to 15 and become ‘sweet 16’ or when we move into some of the expectations of adulthood at ages 18 and 21.

This process continues throughout out lives with special celebrations for ages such as 40, 50, 65, etc.  At each birthday we say goodbye to our previous life chapters and move on until we reach the final goodbye of death.

While many internal goodbyes can be marked by age, there are others that are unique and usually are not necessarily age related. 

For example, when we leave our “first love”, this is an internal goodbye that will leave its mark on us forever.  The same is true when we say goodbye to a belief of our immortality and accept that life does have limits and all of us really do eventually die.

Our lives are full of many other internal goodbyes such as leaving our first job/career, burying our parents, changing some of the foundational beliefs that we held when we were younger, accepting that our youth has departed, saying farewell to the energy and good health of younger days, divorce, accepting that our children are now adults and we may now be the dependent ones, etc.

Many external goodbyes are visible to others, while only we can see and feel many of the internal ones.  While our lives are full of being able to say ‘hello’ to new people and life phases, it remains essential that we develop healthy ways to say external and internal goodbyes when they occur and be able to really let go of that person or situation.

Comments welcome.     Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Am I Rich?

There seem to be three traits that much of our society values a great deal:  youth, likeability, and wealth.  If we happen to have all three traits, or at least the appearance of having them, then our culture considers us to be very fortunate.  And our own self-esteem frequently seems also to be healthier and happier.

While the first two traits receive a great deal of attention during our daily lives, it is the trait of wealth that seems to receive the most focus as to our real value and worth as humans. 

Many persons who would be asked about a wish for their lives would probably respond with something having to do with receiving wealth.  We have so many who sincerely believe that wealth truly brings happiness into life.

What does it mean to be “rich”?  Is this one of those words in our language where there are different definitions even when our usage indicates that we are all talking about the same thing?  How much does it take to be considered rich by our own self-image when compared to those around us?

For many of us, being rich means that we have some large amount of money.  I can recall my childhood when having a single dollar bill (or a silver dollar coin) would give me feeling of being VERY rich.   Now I feel rich and enriched with the blessings of kindness and generosity when a friend places a hundred-dollar bill in an envelope and sends it for the purpose of having me do something special for myself other than pay bills. As a child it was the money; as an adult it is the love and caring that create the positive feelings.

I know friends who do not feel rich with several million dollars that they have.  They believe they need even more money to be wealthy enough.  How much more money that is needed to feel adequate is always vague as they devote their life energies to earning more wealth.  My mind cannot comprehend a million dollars; I look for my  wealth in other ways.

So, who is rich?  Is it the one with a few dollars or the one with many of them?  Does the definition depend on how we see ourselves?  Or, is the definition measured by the individual who has more/less money than we do?  Or does it depend on our neighbors around us in our culture? 

Is being rich all about having money or can wealth be defined in other ways?  Can we have our wealth in different forms?  Can the love of friends,  grandchildren and pets be considered wealth?

I know individuals who have loving family and friends with little money who consider themselves wealthy.  And the reverse situation is also present for some in our society where having plenty of money does not guarantee that happiness and joy are present.  Does money equal wealth for you?
Have you clarified how wealth and money fit into your own personal value system?

I also know people who say that they would rather have the non-material aspects of wealth in their lives as long as they have enough money to “get by”.   Again, who decides what is enough?

Does our culture and personal value system ever allow us to be satisfied with having enough money?

These questions and answers from our personal value system in regards to wealth have an impact on much of our daily behavior and the worth we assign to ourselves  and others as humans. 

For example:  do we believe that people who have lots of money are more intelligent, more likable and have more important things to say than someone who has little money?   Is someone who is poor and homeless worthy of less attention and care from us than a person who may have more money? 

Are we afraid that if we associate with or give to the poor, that we may lose some of our wealth and others may think less of us, not to mention our own self-perception of being ‘losers’ without wealth?  Are we ‘winners’ in the game of life if we have more wealth at the end?   How do we choose to see ourselves?

Am I rich?  Will I ever be rich enough?  How does my value system about the role of wealth direct my daily behavior and how I see myself and other people?

As we continue the Life Journey on better understanding of ourselves, our attitudes, values and behavior in the area of wealth can tell us much us about ourselves.  As always, we are challenged in our learning to be honest with ourselves on this sensitive cultural topic.

Comments welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com