Interpersonal Discounting

When the blog about the learning and implementing the process of discounting ourselves was published in Power for Positive Living, it provoked one of the most numerous responses in this series of personal growth.  Lots of individuals found themselves identifying with the process of discounting their personal value in how they felt and behaved toward themselves. 

Knowing that one has decided on a goal of developing thoughts and behavior of positive affirmations toward self is an important beginning of change.  I compliment each of these persons for recognizing that change is needed to be an emotionally healthy person.

However, after years of working with people in developing behaviors that encourage and enhance interpersonal relationships with other people, I have found that many individuals need self-awareness of how they use the process of discounting others in an unhealthy way to enhance their perceptions of themselves.

One of the most frequent ways that we can discount the value of another person is to make the decision not to listen to what he/she are saying as they talk to us.  Many listen to a few words from another and then make the judgment that what they say does not have value.  So, we send a ‘message’ to the individual that we are discounting his or her talk and not listening.   We would send a different ‘message’ to someone who was giving a full-value (non-discounted) talk.

As humans, we all have the need to be heard and understood by others.  When we are discounted by the behaviors of not being heard by others while we talk, usually we experience hurt and rejection combined with feeling less important and of less value.

Another way to discount another person is to convey that what they are experiencing is ‘not so bad’ and, therefore, their feelings and thoughts are worth less (discounted) than someone who is experiencing some real problems (at least from our view point).

We can also use discounting when we are eager to tell the person that their problems can easily be solved if they will just be wise enough to listen to us with our full-valued ideas.  Some persons seek to affirm their own value by seeking out the holes in the thoughts of others and implement the process of discounting to reduce the value of another at the expense of enhancing ourselves.

As we may expect, there are numerous ways for us to discount others just as there seem to be endless ways for us to discount ourselves.  We can decline to affirm verbally when someone has accomplished a task with skill.  We can decide to contact or ignore communicating with some one by the frequency we choose.  Who do we choose to spend our time --- a valued person or a discounted one?  How do we choose to respond with our words and behaviors to the appearance of another person?  Are wealthier persons the ones we choose to value and discount the ones who are not winners in the game of making money?  Our choices in relating to others often seem endless with framing of the discounting role to hurt others being usually present.

Unfortunately, so many of us do not realize how we hurt people by engaging in discounting behaviors.  Often we are not even aware that we are even doing something that can be hurtful.


One method that manages to combine multiple ways is when we take what the other person is saying and re-interpret it to how it affects us.   This can combine the process of narcissism where the world is all about us even though this usage discounts our real value to ourselves as a human just as we are.  We discount the other person by demonstrating that their thoughts and behaviors are mis-directed toward themselves when they need to be focused on us.

Whether we are in the process of struggling with self-discounting and/or inflicting a discount on others, we are implementing a judgmental behavior on whether we or another are meeting the standard/expectations of what someone who is without flaws would be doing as a fully-valued person.

Having spent a lifetime learning how to value discounting behavior even when it is unhealthy and hurtful, making a change is usually difficult and challenging.  As usual with our personal growth, what we decide to do or not do with our emotional health is our individual choice.

Comments welcome.  Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Discounting

 One of the most exciting words for a true-blue shopper to hear is the word “discount”.  It seems to accelerate the blood flow and one’s adrenalin brings forth lots of excitement and anticipation of paying less for something of a greater value or price.

For many people, receiving something at a discount is a very positive experience.  This is generally true when one is discussing merchandise and other material items.  Some people even handle their dislike of aging by stating how much money they save with ‘senior discounts’.

However, the word discounting can take on an entirely different viewpoint when it is used to describe emotional feelings, thoughts and behaviors within a human being.  Do we take a concept that we believe is positive in the commercial world and turn it into a less healthy concept within our personal emotional world?

If one talks with many counselors, we may find that many issues such as anxiety, depressions, frustration, etc. often have a discounting component in their causations and dynamics.  My experience tends to confirm that the discounting of self with many people creates various types of emotional pain within the individual and frequently in their relationships with other people.

What is emotional discounting?  Naturally it comes in many forms with so many unique individuals in our society and the degree of intensity can also vary from person to person. 

Basically, personal discounting is a feeling, belief, attitude, or behavior in which we see ourselves as not measuring up to the true value of a standard or goal we or others have set for ourselves and/or other persons.   Since the ‘true value’ of some part of our emotional self has not been met, we tend to see it as being discounted (worth less) from that real value.

Part of being in our society is learning to judge and be judged.  We are informed early in life by parents, family, school, friends, employers, etc.  that we are to establish expectations of others and ourselves. 

If we meet these expectations, we consider ourselves to be successful.  If we do not, then we tend to ‘discount’ ourselves with labels like failure, unsuccessful, inadequate, frustrated, etc.  These labels that we use on ourselves tend to lead us to see ourselves as not being as valuable as those who are successful (in our minds) and, therefore, we are discounted individuals – at least in the area where we have not paid the expected value/price.

Like any repeated behavior, discounting one’s own value can become a habit and easily spread to many areas of our emotional lives.  We can become anxious or depressed when we see our personal value as being discounted from our expectations.  We can become frustrated when our habits are not easily changed when our expectation is that those persons with full value can do so.  We convince ourselves to pay a cheaper emotional price for our efforts and accomplishments because we are not a full-value person.

Discounting self often leads to negative affirmations of who we are and what we can and cannot do.  How can anyone expect us to be as valuable as those who are of full value?  Why would anyone pay attention to be with me and my average intelligence when they can get a full-valued person who is bright?  

Doesn’t our society show us on a daily basis that we consider beautiful persons to worth full value and others who are not beautiful to be discounted and of less value?  Do we not see that these full-valued beautiful persons are worthy of a bonus in our time, attention, dating, promotion, etc?  Do we value cute children as having more value than those of less physical attractiveness?

Being a habit, developing a positive affirmation of our self just as we are is most difficult for most of us.   To easily change our attitudes and behavior into positive affirmations of being persons of  full value takes a strong amount of determination, expended energy and the desire to manage this change in ourselves.

As always, the choices we make in managing our lives are ours.  We are the ones who decide the emotional price to be paid for the value we determine ourselves to be worth.

Comments Welcome.  Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Framing

 Most people have heard the familiar saying that “one can choose to look at a glass as half full or half empty”.   Like so many idioms in our life, this one is frequently heard and yet implemented with great infrequency and difficulty.

Psychologists often call the perceptions and choices we make for our thoughts and behavior to be the process of framing.  We have the power to observe or participate in some situation and make the decision on how we choose to ‘frame’ what we see and/or feel.  We have the power to choose a positive or negative frame focus for the various parts of our world.

My experience has led me to believe that this is a very strong power for we humans and can alter many of our difficulties into more positive perceptions.  Unfortunately, I see so many people verbalize this power, but decline to implement it into making positive changes for their own life.

It tends to be a sad situation when an individual chooses to frame his/her feelings and behaviors as something that they have no power to change by utilizing the process of re-framing.  Many times these persons find themselves choosing the self-reference of becoming a victim with their lives that definitely leans toward the ‘empty’ side of living life.

Recently a friend of mine lost $500 cash in her purse at a dining establishment.  She discovered the lost at her next stop and attempted to retrieve it.  However, the finder had long gone with his/her new treasure.

My friend told me about it and made the optimistic choice to see this as her getting to be a senior citizen and this being the first time in her entire life that she had lost a big amount of cash.  There was no‘ poor me’ chorus that so many individuals choose.  Her choice was to frame this event as a compliment to herself. This seems so very difficult for most of us to do.

I am now 71 years of age and have never been a patient in a hospital since my birth or had a major illness.  After recently seeing so many family and friends who have not been so lucky, I have a choice whether to frame my behavior as a blessing (which I do) OR spend time worrying when my time will some since statistics tell me that eventually my time will come.

There are many people who dislike their job for some reason.  Each has the power to frame their attitude with a focus on how unhappy they are to be trapped in this job OR they can frame their attitude that they are very fortunate to have a job in this economy regardless of how much they dislike it.  A third choice is to feel guilty about choosing to feel trapped or the guilt of having a job when so many do not.  The power to frame any part of our lives is our choice and has a significant impact on how we live.

Another aspect of this framing power is that we each are able to define the type and degree of attitude in which we frame our feelings, thoughts and behaviors.  A frequently overlooked corollary is that when we have the power to define and frame our world, we also have the power to redefine it.

Implementing the powers to frame and define our thoughts, feelings and behaviors can do so much to determine whether we live a life that tends to be more full or empty, sad or happy.

This is the type of personal power that we each have to determine the way we choose to live our daily lives.  I find it such a treat to interact with someone who chooses to focus on the positive power to frame a fuller life and feel sad for those who choose not to do so.

Fortunately, I know that people choose the ‘full’ or ‘empty’ viewpoint based on meeting their needs, not mine.  Just having the power to change one’s life does not guarantee that an individual will choose to implement it.  

Hopefully, knowing that we each have so much personal power to make our lives into ‘full’ adventures will give us the reminder we need when we write our Life Journey.

Comment welcome.  Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Resolutions

As a new year begins, many of us are preparing for a time-honored tradition of listing our resolutions for change during the upcoming months.  There seems to be something about beginning a new year that brings out the desire for us to plan some type of change for the way we are choosing to live our lives.

At the number one position on many American lists is the resolution to lose some weight.  We know that a very large number of our population is over weight and obese by a significant number of pounds. 

Socially we interact with people using food as a facilitator for our gatherings.   For a wide range of reasons, many of us not only eat too much food quantity, but also eat food that is not especially healthy but tends to taste good and easily puts on the pounds.

For many, if not most, people this resolution to lose weight is not only the first on their list to achieve, it is usually the first one in which a person finds themselves failing even if they had some initial success.   As a resolution that tends to stand alone, the success rate tends to be low.

There are some techniques that may help some better achieve this or any other resolutions.  The first question for someone to ask himself or herself is if they really want to lose weight and why.  Challenging the degree and depth of personal motivation is usually difficult; being honest with self is frequently a life-long struggle.

If one finds that the basis of their resolution is to meet the expectations of others, they usually will experience weaker motivation to achieve.  Contrary to social expectations not all of us are born to be rich, healthy, intelligent, beautiful and thin!   

If the resolution stands alone and is not integrated with other life changes, the chances for success are also weaker.  For example, if the weight-loss resolution does not include commitments to include exercise, a specific pattern of changing one’s eating style and content, not having a support person or group for the tough times, concrete measures to determine success with accountability, etc., the chances of one succeeding in losing weight are remote.

One can also be aware that losing weight might have nothing to do with will-power or motivation.  For example, there many medications we may be taking which have weight gain as a side effect.

Based on this premise one can see that their chances of change increase when one is honestly and deeply committed to working for change rather than just wishing something different would happen.  Yet many people handle their resolutions list as though it were a wish list and that changes in one’s life happen by some form of magic.  

A Hugheyism to recall is:  "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you always have gotten."

While our focus has been on the most popular resolution for the new year, the dynamics for success and failure with other goals for change in one’s life are similar.   A diet usually fails for the long haul, because it is short-term focused and not a real change of permanent behavior.  

The same is true for any other resolutions we have.  To truly work, any resolution needs to focus on the long-term behaviors of how we choose to live.  Until this integration truly takes place, we are short-term focused and can easily slide back to the natural (for us) way of behaving.

This tendency for many of us to focus on the immediate gratification of our wants is one reason the resolutions list we prepare in January seems to have the same goals on them year after year.  Without the input of effort to make a change work as a integral part of who we are, we usually go through our lives making the same choices over and over.

As always, change and choices to manage them remain our personal challenges.

Comments welcome.    Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Holiday Expectations 2

A year ago an essay was written about the expectations that each of us carry into this holiday period.  All that was written last year is as true this year, as it was last year and many years before.  Therefore, I encourage you to return to Holiday Expectations  (Dec 2009)  and reread what was written as a preface to this addition.

One of the characteristics of this Power for Positive Living blog series is that almost everything contained in the various blogs remain timeless year after year.  They offer positive guidance for us when we are adolescents all the way through our senior years. 

Even with this knowledge and living experience, it can remain a frequent challenge for each of us to implement what we have learned during our life journey into allowing us to enjoy healthy and positive lives on a daily basis.

Recently I was sharing a feeling of excitement about a blog content with a friend.  Since I had written it, the content was of value to me.  My friend chose to respond with the comment: “I’ve heard it all before; there is nothing new”.

Even with all of my years of professional and personal experience and this person being a historical friend of long standing; I was disappointed at his response.  Yes, the response was true to him, because one cannot know me for long without learning that I have  value, belief and behavior systems which I freely share with others.

After pondering the exchange, I found myself with the typical human responses of wanting to find someway to blame him for disappointing me.  He was not being supportive.  He did not listen to my sense of excitement.  He chose to focus on the repetitive aspect of the content rather than my feelings.

However, I finally realized that part of the responsibility for my feelings was placing my own expectations on him.  I had an idea of how he should have responded and he chose to honor his own expectations rather than try to meet mine.  I was the one with the feelings of disappointment.

So, whether it is the holiday season or not, we are continually facing the challenge of placing expectations on ourselves and on others.  If I meet my own expectations of myself, I tend to be happy; if not, then I tend to be disappointed in me. 

The same is true when I choose to place expectations on others; they have the same choice to honor my expectations or not and I experience the resultant feelings.  

During this holiday season, we need to remind ourselves that the world does not revolve around our wants and needs.  People behave to meet their needs, not ours.  Others think about us far less often than we do!

Each of us is free to decide whether to honor the expectations we place on ourselves during the holidays and other times of the year, just as others may want to place on us.  Reality encourages us to realize that often people make choices about our expectations for them that are different than what we prefer.

As with all of our choices, holiday or non-holiday, the way we choose to feel and behave each day is always personal.  When we set expectations for ourselves and other people at a realistic level, we experience the outcomes we actually wish to have happen.

Each day our personal joy and happiness of setting and receiving expectations are waiting to be chosen!

Comments welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Healing

Since it seems impossible to go through life without being emotionally hurt by self and/or others, we often find ourselves dealing with the various processes of healing.

Handling the lost of family and friends during the holiday season is a special hurt that the season tends to make more difficult for many of us.  The holiday period of Thanksgiving through Christmas tends to focus us on the happiness that comes from being with others who are special to us.  If one does not fit this pattern due to his or her feelings of losing someone close, these days can be most difficult with healthy healing being stressful.

Our world does change when we lose a loved one.  There are many possibilities on the type and degree of change that occurs, but there is no doubt that changes of some type will take place in our world.

Any study of group dynamics will demonstrate that the addition and/or deletion of a person within a group will alter the way the group acts as individuals as well as a group.  How the group and the individuals within it decide to manage this change is usually an evolving process and can be short or long in its implementation.  Our family is in the middle of that process.

This past fall my sister passed away.  The birthday month of October began the process of change for us as a family and as individuals.  The value and manner of celebrating birthdays started to change.  Without the presence of my sister, our group celebration was different as were the feelings of the individual family members.

November brought the ‘family’ holiday of Thanksgiving.  With a key member of our family not present, we appeared to be without a common direction.   There seemed to be no one available to replace the role that my sister has played in how our family celebrated this holiday.  While other family members and friends supported us, our new ways of managing our loss have not evolved.   We still hurt and our healing continues to affect our feelings even in a season where the focus is on family blessings.

December brings the Christmas holiday season, supposedly the most joyous holiday of the year.  As our family’s prime motivator of this season, the loss of my sister is already being felt as we prepare for Christmas.  So many ‘traditions’ that we experienced as a family unit will never be repeated with her absence.  We face the challenge of building new ways of celebrating this holiday. 

December is also a difficult month because this is the time that Evelyn and I lost our mother to cancer on 21 December 1982.    It took us a long time to rebuild our holiday joy after that loss.  I expect a long time to rebuild my emotions managing my sister’s loss.

Part of our family’s healing process is going to be structuring new ways for us to celebrate our blessings and joys during these months of October, November and December.  We will do part of it as a family unit.  Each of us will develop unique and individual ways to heal as we manage our thoughts and feelings during this part of the year.  


The relationships I have with my nephews will evolve as we respond to the changes that come from losing their mother as a member of our family unit.  As her sons, they will decide on what type of relationship they want as brothers without the presence of their mother.

Our family is not alone.  Many of Evelyn’s friends will also be adjusting to life without her presence.  Her Sunday school class will miss her helpful and encouraging spirit.

Our healing for this and other losses is always a personal and usually a private process.  Some of us will use a primarily internal process.  Some will turn to the support and interaction of being with other people.   Others will turn to a spiritual and religious focus. 

Regardless of the time or method that we take to do so, each human seems to have his or her own way of healing from the hurt of loss.  I remain most thankful for this blessing of being able to heal as a human from the hurts I do experience in life.

 Comments Welcome.   Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Be Like Me!

Even though most of us are honest when we state that we prefer to associate with people who are mostly like us, this attitude can give us comfort as well as conflict in our interactions with others.

One foundation of healthy and growing relationships comes when each of us understands and truly accepts that I cannot make another value/want what I want/value in a relationship.

Each of us has wants/needs/values when we make choices on the people with whom we interact.   Our lives with others tend to be easier when these factors are similar in type and degree.  There is no guarantee that life will be more interesting or safer if we associate with similar persons, but the odds are that it will be easier to handle.

How many parents have grieved when they discovered that their children wanted or valued something different from their parents?

Many counselor offices are full of people who want an important person in their lives (usually a spouse, friend or family member) to change to having similar attitudes and behaviors  

How frustrating it can be for each of us to confront the realization that some of the people who we love and care about actually value and/or want something different in their relationship with us!  Why can't they be like me?  Our lives would be so much easier if those around me behaved like me.

One of the realities in human behavior is that people choose to give only what they are able and willing to give in relationships.  There two important words (able/willing) present in that sentence complete our behavior of choice.  Healthy understanding of relationships encourages us to note these concepts of ability and willingness when we engage in behaviors and attitudes with other people.

First, each of us is confronted with what we are able to give in relating to other people.   We may want to value something that is important to another person but we may not be able for a variety of reasons such as our personal experiences and history.  When this choice becomes apparent to others, some may choose not to have a relationship.

Second, we may be able to give to others what they value, but we may also choose not to give because we are not willing, regardless of whether we are able.  Each of us is continually facing the personal choices of our ability and willingness to give or not give.   Our choices of the price we are able and willing to pay will usually affect what type of relationships we have with people.  One can count on the reality that there will be some type/amount of price to be paid by each person in a relationship.

Even when we are able and willing to want/value in a similar manner for ourselves in relating to another, we may encounter the frustration that the other person has different wants and values in their manner of relating.  Oh, how we often want to change them to see a situation, feel, think, behave, believe to how we see that situation!  And, we ask: why can't they see reality like I do?

If I am healthy, I am realistic in realizing that I cannot make anyone value/want what I want/value in a relationship.  I accept the reality that the people in my world choose to give me only what they are able and/or willing to give me.  And, I do the same in return.

With this realization as a solid foundation, a positive and healthy relationship has the possibility of being formed and maintained.

I can then understand and accept that much of the time during my Life Journey, I do not have to change friends, IF I understand and am comfortable that my friends and I are both changing.  We all will encounter change and make continual choices on how we each wish to manage it in others and ourselves.

Comments welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com