It's All About Me

Much of our life journey is spent learning about who we are as individuals and how we fit into the lives of the other people in our world.  Our parents begin this process of education of our self-concept and soon are joined by family, friends, schools, churches, employers, etc.

Our society wants us to fit into the structure that most people find comfortable and easy to understand.   Therefore, by the time we have become adults, we have plenty of information and training on how to be ‘normal’ and behave in ways that are acceptable to others and ourselves.

One of the most important lessons we learn is the acceptable reason for why we choose to do the things we do.  We learn that being liked by others is very important in American culture and we work to find behaviors that will give others strong encouragement to like us.  And, life is so much easier when we behave in a manner where we learn to like ourselves.

A friend of mine likes to tell others that her choices are all about meeting her needs:   “It’s all about me.”  Naturally, this carries some shock value to those who believe that much of their behavior is focused on caring about others in our society. 

However, from one perspective, my friend is one of the few who is being truthful about her self-concept while others are play-acting that the needs of others are more important than their own.

IF one accepts the belief that choosing behavior is all about meeting needs, then we usually choose to first meet the needs which are closest to us:  our own.

This view can have validity even when we choose to help others.

I can have a belief that I am a kind person who is willing to reach and provide assistance to others.  I can see myself as being generous and willing to give gifts, time and energy such as working in a soup kitchen for the homeless.   I volunteer to take care of a sick church member.  I help children learn their multiplication tables.  I care about the world and pray for world peace.  I can submit myself to danger to save a drowning person.

The list of assisting others is endless.  With all of this work done for others, we can ask ourselves how can anyone say that there is any truth in the phrase that my life behavior is all about me.

One response would be all of these ‘good’ behaviors are our personal choices to meet our self-concept; the one we have of ourselves as a good person.  Each time we reach out and help someone, we re-enforce our own view of ourselves as being kind and caring about others – and meet OUR needs.

Therefore, it can be seen that whatever I choose to do is a way to implement my own view of myself and that all of my choices start with my view of how I see myself.  Others are present to help me implement my own self-concept.

Is this true for you?  How would YOU choose to respond to someone conveying this viewpoint?  Can you convey your honest perceptions of self from another perspective?

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Touch

Each of us comes into this world with a high need to be touched and comforted by those who love and support us.  When an individual’s life journey has comes to an end, we find ourselves with the same dependency of being touched and comforted while we prepare to exit this life.

It can be assumed that the period of life between birth and death does not remove our need to touch and be touched by other human beings.  There are many of us who believe that most people do not give or receive enough touch to have healthy self-esteem as adults.

Many studies of children have shown that the ones who receive an abundant amount of touching by being held tend to grow into healthier adults.  These same studies show that children who are not touched in their younger years tend to demonstrate more physical limitations and emotional difficulties as they grow into adolescence and adulthood.

When an individual is dependent on us for some reason, many adults find it much easier to touch and be touched by that person.

The odd part of our society is the mass of limitations we impose on touch during that part of life when we are basically independent adults.

A great deal of effort in our culture is placed on setting guidelines so that any touch will be socially correct and appropriate.   We may shake hands, but we are encouraged to do it correctly by not touching hands for “too long” or with too much strength.  We may hug, but often the same limitations are in place for others to be comfortable with us.

Our society has many pets, mostly cats and dogs.  These animals allow us to touch and be touched by them and to do so in a manner so that our human touch needs can be met in acceptable ways.  Pets tend not to be as demanding as are many humans and are ready for the joys of touch at almost any time of the day and night.

In many ways, our society is not comfortable with the role of human sexuality and human touch.  Many people tend to equate one with the other.  There are few counselors, who have not seen the case where a person chose to participate in sexual behavior, even when not desiring to do so, just so that they can hug and be physically close to another human being.  

One can observe that many marriages fail since they were built primarily on this human need of touch (sex).  For some persons with certain value systems, getting married with the accompaniment of sex is the only way to have socially acceptable and extensive adult touch.

Society attempts to regulate acceptable ways of touch like massage and unacceptable ways like prostitution.  As usual with attempts to regulate what we humans all need to have healthy lives, most of these efforts to impose limitations have mixed outcomes.

So, like so many areas of our lives, we all strive to find ways to meet this natural human need.   Touch was needed at birth and will benefit us at death. 

Each of us must find our own unique path to meet this personal need while striving to live in a society where there are many different views on how this need should be met.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com