LOVE EXPECTATIONS

There are many factors that influence our effectiveness in communicating with other people.  Some of these factors are our own personal traits, others are unique characteristics of other people and some are the influences of the society in which we live.

One of the most challenging factors for us is when we are using the same word and yet the parties involved have different definitions for that word.   I can say the word ‘frequently’.  To one person that may mean something happens every week of the year while another may see the word as indicating something that happens every hour of most days.

There are many words in our language that open themselves open to a multiple range of meanings.   Examples like these often lead to us having different expectations when we try to communicate effectively so that we do understand what each is saying even when we use the same language.

As a counselor it does not one long to become aware of how many different meanings the word ‘love’ has and the numerous expectations that come with the use of that word.  Oh, how many hearts have been broken when one has expectations of self and another in the areas of love, while a reverse set of expectations of the same word is taking place in the other person!

The following quotation illustrates the difficulties better than anything I could write.  The author is Glenn Pease.  The quotation’s content provides each of us much to think about over and over.  As we proceed on our Life’s Journey, we gain new experiences for the meanings of this one word that is so powerful on the quality of our lives.

“I like every man and woman, want to be loved.  But, like every man and woman, I have my own idea, grounded in my own personality and temperament and experience of what loving and being loved means.

“Moreover, locked in the prison of my own ways of thinking and feeling, I frequently assume that my definition of love is the only correct one.  As a result, I want and expect to be loved in the same way that I love others, with the same responses that I interpret as evidence of lovingness.

“But, I am not loved in that way.   Instead (and quite logically, if one can be that logical about this), I m loved in the way that my partner thinks and feels about love, the way he or she understands and expresses it.

“In my own distress, I often do not recognize that my partner is experiencing the same incongruity in reverse.  So, puzzled, hurt and unable to communicate our confusion to each other, we both understandably feel unloved.”

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Listening Is Loving

How many people in your world do you consider to be good listeners?  How many of these same people would consider you to be a good friend?

It is probably fair to say that most of us believe that the world is short of people who care to listen to us.  It is rare for any of us not to have at least once complained in our lives that we are irritated or angry when a specific person chooses not to listen to us, especially since we believe we have something important to say.

There are many ways to show others that we care for them and that we love them as family and friends.  One of the most valued ways that we convey this love is when we choose to give another person the gift of our listening to them. 

Because this gift often appears so simplistic and seems easy to give, we often overlook its value in expressing our love for another.  Yes, when we decide to listen to someone, we also decide to give him or her a gift of human love.

Lots of articles have been written about the skills of active and passive listening.  Is one method any better or more effective in conveying our caring than the other?  Is one way easier for us to externally demonstrate that our listening is a gift of love?

Active listening usually includes the exchange of words, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc.  We use various methods to structure an atmosphere where people can freely express themselves.  We ask questions not for the answers we want to hear, but to encourage another to seek a personal answer that will allow him or her to understand better their own self-image.

With active listening, our comments are offered to encourage people to talk about themselves.  We can offer statements that reflect our understanding of what is being said in an effort to help the individual better clarify their responses.  We can offer encouragement with statements like “tell me more about that”.

With active listening we can use eye contact and body posture to indicate that we really are listening to the person rather than just waiting for them to finish their thoughts so that we can move on to what many consider more important --- what I have to say.

The way we choose to indicate our gift of listening to another depends on the traits of that individual.   Just as we purchase gifts individually rather than try to give a “one gift fits all” approach, our gift of listening should also be individualized.

Sometimes an individual prefers the gift of passive listening.  With this form of listening, we usually rely more on non-verbal cues to indicate that we are present, we care and we are closely listening to what is being said. 

Non-verbal cues can be offered by nodding of the head, smiling, leaning forward to be closer to the person, offer short phrases like “yes, I see”, or being willing to sit in silence.  Passive listening is focused on attempting to minimize the chance that our words can interfere with our gift of listening.

One of the realities in our world is that most people think about me far less frequently than I do.   When I find a true listener who loves me by listening, I respond positively to that treasure.  And, when I want to convey my love for another, I tell them that I am thinking of them before myself by giving the gift of listening.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com