Rare Gift

As we grow older and have more experiences, we generally find ourselves changing in what we value in giving and receiving with our family and friends.


When asked, what we want to receive most from others, our society encourages us to answer with a focus on material items. I eventually realized what I am truly seeking is rare: an accepting and non-judgmental listener, a person who truly allows me to be myself.


My experience shows that most are looking for that person who will offer the gift of listening hospitality. We seek a person who will actively listen vs. the person who keeps quiet while their mind wanders or is busy composing their own reply until we pause. We seek a person who understands the feelings and importance of our psychic joy and pain.


When many of us enter a room, we can usually see who offers a positive atmosphere and is carrying an invisible sign that says, “I want to listen to you and understand your story”. Equally noticeable is the invisible sign that says, “what I have to say is more important than what you want to talk about”.


I believe that we all carry these invisible signs that convey to others our values and what others can expect from us. And, we are more skilled in reading these signs from others than we may realize and are attracted to certain types.


Listening is far more than being quiet while another talks. It requires an active focus on the other person’s words and non-verbal language, avoiding distracting thoughts or preparing what to say when the other person pauses for air.


When we give the gift of listening to another, our conversation is not a competitive event where the loser is declared the listener. Our gift is to behave and believe that what others have to say is as important as what we have to offer. We have no need to demonstrate our wit, knowledge and intelligence in true active listening.


One guideline that may be helpful is to remember that seldom do people care about how much we know, but they do know and value about how much we care.


When teaching I would sometimes stop in the middle of a thought and ask a student: “what did I just say?” This exercise of question-asking gives each of us the opportunity to evaluate whether we are truly listening to other people or just passing time with our minds focused elsewhere.


I have not covered the various psychological games that people play with themselves and others to manage psychic pain such as the person who needs to exercise control and dominate others through talking. But, we can save those psychological mind games for another day.


For now, let us practice giving the rare gift of listening hospitality. Listening is a life-energizing gift of joy for all.


Your comments/reactions are welcome.
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