When I was a young child, finding and keeping friends was relatively easy for me.
First, like others of my age, I was seeking to find friends in our peer group. Finding friends is easier when everyone around you is doing the same thing.
Second, qualifications to be my friend were easy to meet. Almost anyone who did not dislike me and did not participate in bullying me due to my limited athletic abilities was eligible and eagerly accepted by me.
As the years have passed, the situation in finding and maintaining friendships evolved into new standards, qualifications and behaviors. People came into my life, made their mark in some unique manner and then passed out of my world.
Unlike childhood, I found that some people had a numerical limit on the number of people allowed in their friendship circle. I discovered that appearance, race, parental status, maturity, various types of popularity, similar interests, etc., all led to the arrival and departure of friends.
A major change for me in finding peer group friends was graduation from college and graduate school. I became aware that the number of people available to build a friendship seemed to decrease in number. Fortunately as an adult, I was also able to increase the number of locations in which to seek friendships.
I have always considered myself fortunate in the special individuals that I have had as friends over the years. Even though many have entered and left my life, each did make a unique mark on me in some manner.
My biological family is small in number and I feel blessed to be able to enlarge my social family by the building of friendships through the power of choice. It is still an honor when someone gives me the gift of choosing me to be a friend and I value highly that same gift when given to another.
Although this pattern is familiar to many people, I have always felt especially blessed for the individuals who have shared a friendship with me for a long period of time. Most of these are many years or decades in length. I call them my historical friends.
In October I celebrated my birth month. One friend of 35 years was kind and generous with the gift of a plane ticket to Hawaii. On Oahu I visited a friend of 31 years. On Molokai I visited with a friend of 25 years. Being able to have these individuals, along with many others, in my life for long periods of time is a true treasure for me.
Historical friends are those wonderful people who give the gift of their love and caring year after year. They seek to actively participate in my world. They are available for conversations and problem solving with non-questionable gifts of directness, caring, creativity and honesty.
As I live the senior years portion of my life journey, I grow even more appreciative of the significant roles these treasured historical friends play in the quality of my life.
Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Red Ink
A line from a song I know goes like this: “If I am 98% perfect in everything I do, it will be the 2% I remember when all is through”.
As a teacher and counselor I have found this view of perfectionism to be far more prevalent than many of us know or are willing to acknowledge. Yes, we are aware that many have traces of perfectionist behaviors and thoughts, but so often it is perceived as just another trait of living.
One of my early memories as a student in elementary school was receiving a paper back from my teacher that was covered with red ink. It was difficult to see any of what I had written due to the corrections made using red ink by the teacher.
I recall feeling bad that I had done so poorly in my work. The large amount of red ink conveyed to me that I had done nothing right and I was very deficient in my knowledge. There was no acknowledging of anything that I had done right or information that I had learned.
Looking back at this event and others like it, I found myself wondering if the teacher(s) was determined to use up a certain amount of red ink each school year or whether certain students like myself were thought to be able to learn more effectively if our mistakes were pointed out to us in a repetitive manner.
Fortunately, I was able to eventually have teachers who believed that encouragement of positive achievement was most effective for my learning. Also, I was blessed to have parents who were focused on aiding me to learn with a variety of techniques and encouraging me for my positive achievements.
When I became a teacher for two years to pay back a state governmental loan, I made myself a promise that I would never use red ink in marking a student’s work. My favorite ink color to use was green, but I also used a variety of colors to keep any one color from becoming THE color of right or wrong.
I also made the decision that whenever I marked student work, I would always focus on marking the correct answers if there was a right/wrong response. Also, I decided to write positive comments about the students' work. I would use words like ‘needs change’ to indicate anything that my own teachers would have marked in red as being ‘wrong’.
Sometimes as an adult, I still feel the scars left by ‘red ink thinking’. Like the opening line from the song at the beginning of this piece, I continue the battle to avoid focus on my shortcomings rather than my positive skills. The scars left on us by unknowing people in our lives from childhood often continues to influence us when we are adults.
One of our personal goals of adulthood can be to use our energy and strength to enlarge our own positive self-esteem by choosing to focus our attention on that 98%.
Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com
As a teacher and counselor I have found this view of perfectionism to be far more prevalent than many of us know or are willing to acknowledge. Yes, we are aware that many have traces of perfectionist behaviors and thoughts, but so often it is perceived as just another trait of living.
One of my early memories as a student in elementary school was receiving a paper back from my teacher that was covered with red ink. It was difficult to see any of what I had written due to the corrections made using red ink by the teacher.
I recall feeling bad that I had done so poorly in my work. The large amount of red ink conveyed to me that I had done nothing right and I was very deficient in my knowledge. There was no acknowledging of anything that I had done right or information that I had learned.
Looking back at this event and others like it, I found myself wondering if the teacher(s) was determined to use up a certain amount of red ink each school year or whether certain students like myself were thought to be able to learn more effectively if our mistakes were pointed out to us in a repetitive manner.
Fortunately, I was able to eventually have teachers who believed that encouragement of positive achievement was most effective for my learning. Also, I was blessed to have parents who were focused on aiding me to learn with a variety of techniques and encouraging me for my positive achievements.
When I became a teacher for two years to pay back a state governmental loan, I made myself a promise that I would never use red ink in marking a student’s work. My favorite ink color to use was green, but I also used a variety of colors to keep any one color from becoming THE color of right or wrong.
I also made the decision that whenever I marked student work, I would always focus on marking the correct answers if there was a right/wrong response. Also, I decided to write positive comments about the students' work. I would use words like ‘needs change’ to indicate anything that my own teachers would have marked in red as being ‘wrong’.
Sometimes as an adult, I still feel the scars left by ‘red ink thinking’. Like the opening line from the song at the beginning of this piece, I continue the battle to avoid focus on my shortcomings rather than my positive skills. The scars left on us by unknowing people in our lives from childhood often continues to influence us when we are adults.
One of our personal goals of adulthood can be to use our energy and strength to enlarge our own positive self-esteem by choosing to focus our attention on that 98%.
Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Just Fine
Many of us recognize that a number of our interactions with other people are ritualized. We as a society have agreed that following certain behaviors and having certain attitudes help us get along with each other.
In order to give these rituals certain validity, we attach the label of ‘normal’ so that others and we can feel more comfortable. To not be ‘normal’ is usually classified as being defective or dysfunctional; we justify ourselves by attaching the label of ‘abnormal’ on different behaviors and attitudes.
One of the most interesting rituals to me is asking a question of someone when we meet and then not even making a pretense of listening to the response.
Rather than say “Hi” or “Hello” or “Good Morning” where no response is solicited and none is expected, many people choose another form of greeting which comes in a question form.
Back in the old days of college teaching, I taught a class entitled Abnormal Psychology (now called Psychopathology). One goal I had was for the student to experience the feelings that come when others see one as being abnormal. And, I do believe that people do let you know when you are not meeting their expectations of social behavior!
One of the class assignments for each student was to structure some type of behavior where others would see him/her as being “odd, weird, or strange” (but, always legal). Each student was to practice this behavior in front of others without telling them what they were doing. Then they recorded how they themselves reacted to doing the behavior and how they felt with the reactions from others.
One of my favorites was when a student decided to create a ‘non-normal’ response to the inquiry: “how are you?” or “how it is going?” as he walked across the college campus.
One of his responses was: “I died this morning, but am just FINE”. He wanted to test how many people bother to listen to his response to their question. The response rate for those who stopped and asked him about what he said ranged from 15 to 20%. When tried in different ways during different semesters, the outcome was about the same; one is lucky if 1 in 5 persons hear what we said as we greet each other.
Most of the people who have heard me share my views about our interpersonal behaviors with each other, know that I believe that there are very, very few listeners in this world whether it be to those we know or do not know. We seem most comfortable in greeting others when we hear the response of “just fine” even when we need to fill in those words as a response.
Perhaps as a personal challenge along our own path of personal growth we could practice listening to responses if we choose to ask a question of another person.
Comments Welcome. Email:
In order to give these rituals certain validity, we attach the label of ‘normal’ so that others and we can feel more comfortable. To not be ‘normal’ is usually classified as being defective or dysfunctional; we justify ourselves by attaching the label of ‘abnormal’ on different behaviors and attitudes.
One of the most interesting rituals to me is asking a question of someone when we meet and then not even making a pretense of listening to the response.
Rather than say “Hi” or “Hello” or “Good Morning” where no response is solicited and none is expected, many people choose another form of greeting which comes in a question form.
Back in the old days of college teaching, I taught a class entitled Abnormal Psychology (now called Psychopathology). One goal I had was for the student to experience the feelings that come when others see one as being abnormal. And, I do believe that people do let you know when you are not meeting their expectations of social behavior!
One of the class assignments for each student was to structure some type of behavior where others would see him/her as being “odd, weird, or strange” (but, always legal). Each student was to practice this behavior in front of others without telling them what they were doing. Then they recorded how they themselves reacted to doing the behavior and how they felt with the reactions from others.
One of my favorites was when a student decided to create a ‘non-normal’ response to the inquiry: “how are you?” or “how it is going?” as he walked across the college campus.
One of his responses was: “I died this morning, but am just FINE”. He wanted to test how many people bother to listen to his response to their question. The response rate for those who stopped and asked him about what he said ranged from 15 to 20%. When tried in different ways during different semesters, the outcome was about the same; one is lucky if 1 in 5 persons hear what we said as we greet each other.
Most of the people who have heard me share my views about our interpersonal behaviors with each other, know that I believe that there are very, very few listeners in this world whether it be to those we know or do not know. We seem most comfortable in greeting others when we hear the response of “just fine” even when we need to fill in those words as a response.
Perhaps as a personal challenge along our own path of personal growth we could practice listening to responses if we choose to ask a question of another person.
Comments Welcome. Email:
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