Our lives are full of people who enter and leave our lives. Some stay a long time like our parents, relatives, or “historical” friends. Others pass through our lives so quickly, that often it is difficult to recall whether they ever were present.
For most of us, saying “hello” is the easier part of developing a relationship. For the true short-timers in our lives, we can often get a “hello” and “goodbye” in the same sentence.
After some time has been spent with another person, we develop some degree and variety of attachment to them. For a shallow degree of attachment, it easy is to let go of a person from our lives and say goodbye.
The reverse is also true where we have invested a great deal of time and energy to a relationship. We find it difficult to conclude a deep/close relationship with a goodbye that is positive for our own health.
The intensity of our reactions to handling a goodbye depends on a number of factors. For example, it usually easier for the person who is leaving for some other place to say goodbye. For the one who is left remaining in the same place/situation, it frequently is more difficult to feel good about a goodbye.
If the goodbye has a time limit such as when one goes on a two-week vacation, we usually find easier to say goodbye than when the departure is open-ended or permanent. It can also be easier to say goodbye when the departure brings a sense of relief to one or both of the parties involved.
Even though our lives have many goodbyes taking place over the years, it is much more difficult for some to verbalize a goodbye than it is for others. Some find it so difficult that they cannot do it in any manner and they depart without any form of goodbye. The one who is left just notices that the person is no longer present in their world. These people are left with the feeling of “what happened” or they may decide to embrace a neurotic behavior such as wondering “what did I do wrong to have this happen?”
For other people, they may dislike the discomfort of verbally telling another goodbye or saying it face-to-face where they are open to questions from the one being left. These persons may prefer to use a written form such as emails or “Dear John” –type of letters.
In our society the most difficult goodbye that we face is when a person we love and care about is about to die. We have a difficult time talking about death. We usually have difficulty talking directly with a family member and/or dear friend who are in their last days.
Pain is often present when the one who is departing is ready to say goodbye, while their family and friends are not ready to let them go. We are who are left behind find it so difficult to let go -- even when in our hearts we know that it may be better for the other person to leave. Sometimes it is more difficult than we can handle, so we think of ways of delaying the enviable goodbye by not talking about it or rationalizing our behavior it some manner.
Yes, saying a healthy goodbye is one of many life challenges. As with so many aspects of living, we each individually are the ones who choose how we behave.
Goodbye to 2009. What choices will you make to have a positive and happy 2010?
Comments are welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Singing Pigs
“Do not try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”
While this life guideline can often bring a smile to our faces, it contains very wise concepts of how to be happier as an individual while improving one’s relationship with other people.
One of the secrets that many of us try to hide from others and ourselves is that our lives would be so much easier if other people would change to think and behave like we think they should.
Since most of us believe that our way of seeing or doing something is the best, or even the correct way, we often fantasize how much better the world would be if people and things worked as we believe they should.
We all know people who are trying to change us to their way of thinking and behaving. Just think of politics and religion as two of the areas where deep intensity of emotions can be invoked. As usual, with many conversations, most of the participants want to talk, not listen, in their efforts to “enlighten” another person.
We could note less explosive areas like choice of movies, dining out, vacation preferences, buying a new car, handling some extra and unexpected funds, values in raising a child, etc. We all have opinions and it can be very frustrating for many when others do not see the world as we see it.
Trying to change one’s self is difficult and very challenging work --- and usually has the chance to succeed only IF the person truly wants to change and is willing to make the efforts involved.
It is even more difficult to change another person since most people do not want to change from their values, beliefs and behaviors. After all, their personal history and life journey have led them to who they are. If we are wise, we learn to take people as they are.
However, many still tend to attempt changing others because it brings comfort and compatibility to their way of seeing the world. In essence, we try the impossible: teaching a pig to sing. We spend hours trying, usually with the rationalization that it is for the other person’s own good. Seldom do we admit that our efforts are directed toward making our own life easier.
Naturally, since most people do not want to change and will resist these efforts, our attempts to make pigs sings are usually a big waste of our time, energy and full of frustration.
Realistically we know that people get annoyed when someone is trying to put pressure on us to do something we do not want or cannot do. Yet, for some reason, we tend to be surprised when the pig becomes annoyed just as most humans do.
While the world may be a more comfortable place if everyone thought and behaved as we think they should, the reality is we are healthier if we can accept the lesson given to us by those who accept that pigs do not sing: trying to make a person change is a waste of our energy and annoys others.
Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com
While this life guideline can often bring a smile to our faces, it contains very wise concepts of how to be happier as an individual while improving one’s relationship with other people.
One of the secrets that many of us try to hide from others and ourselves is that our lives would be so much easier if other people would change to think and behave like we think they should.
Since most of us believe that our way of seeing or doing something is the best, or even the correct way, we often fantasize how much better the world would be if people and things worked as we believe they should.
We all know people who are trying to change us to their way of thinking and behaving. Just think of politics and religion as two of the areas where deep intensity of emotions can be invoked. As usual, with many conversations, most of the participants want to talk, not listen, in their efforts to “enlighten” another person.
We could note less explosive areas like choice of movies, dining out, vacation preferences, buying a new car, handling some extra and unexpected funds, values in raising a child, etc. We all have opinions and it can be very frustrating for many when others do not see the world as we see it.
Trying to change one’s self is difficult and very challenging work --- and usually has the chance to succeed only IF the person truly wants to change and is willing to make the efforts involved.
It is even more difficult to change another person since most people do not want to change from their values, beliefs and behaviors. After all, their personal history and life journey have led them to who they are. If we are wise, we learn to take people as they are.
However, many still tend to attempt changing others because it brings comfort and compatibility to their way of seeing the world. In essence, we try the impossible: teaching a pig to sing. We spend hours trying, usually with the rationalization that it is for the other person’s own good. Seldom do we admit that our efforts are directed toward making our own life easier.
Naturally, since most people do not want to change and will resist these efforts, our attempts to make pigs sings are usually a big waste of our time, energy and full of frustration.
Realistically we know that people get annoyed when someone is trying to put pressure on us to do something we do not want or cannot do. Yet, for some reason, we tend to be surprised when the pig becomes annoyed just as most humans do.
While the world may be a more comfortable place if everyone thought and behaved as we think they should, the reality is we are healthier if we can accept the lesson given to us by those who accept that pigs do not sing: trying to make a person change is a waste of our energy and annoys others.
Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Holiday Expectations
The Christmas holiday season is one of the most significant times of the year for many of us. Starting in September, if not sooner, our culture encourages us to begin thinking about the holiday season and begin to make plans ranging from the gifts to be given, travel arrangements to be with family/friends or be at some relaxing/exotic destination.
Even with all of the emphasis and encouragement placed on convincing us that this period of time will be a happy season with peace on earth and good will toward others, some of us are surprised to find there are feelings of sadness and disappointment in ourselves and with many others.
Based on our personal history, we each carry our individual expectations of what this season should be and how we should feel about ourselves and what is happening around us. Some persons are determined to be happy and enjoy this season regardless of what takes place around them. Others will make choices of being unhappy about the season regardless of how many positive opportunities they have to experience enjoyment.
Our personal expectations of others and ourselves can often be the determining guide as to how we respond to a holiday season. For example, if we are able to meet what we see ourselves as needing to feel good about the circumstances of the holidays, then, usually, we are happy. If we see ourselves as falling short of these personal expectations in some manner, then we are likely to be unhappy.
The same holds true of our expectations of how others should be feeling and behaving during this season. If they meet our expectations, we are happy; if not, then we tend to experience a degree of disappointment.
So, we can conclude that our feelings about the holiday season are basically an extension of how we choose to build and feel about our expectations during the remainder of the year.
If we believe that the world revolves around our wants and needs, then our expectations will frequently not be met and we will be disappointed.
If our expectations for others and ourselves are set too high, we find ourselves with feelings of failure and unhappiness.
If we remember that people behave during the holidays, just as they do during the remainder of the year, to meet their needs, NOT our needs, then our expectations usually lead us to happiness with others.
As with all of our holiday and non-holiday choices, the way we choose to feel and behave during the holiday is always a personal choice. When we set expectations for ourselves, other people and the holiday period on a realistic level, we prepare for the outcomes we actually wish to have happen.
Happiness and joy are just waiting to be chosen by each of us!
Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com
Even with all of the emphasis and encouragement placed on convincing us that this period of time will be a happy season with peace on earth and good will toward others, some of us are surprised to find there are feelings of sadness and disappointment in ourselves and with many others.
Based on our personal history, we each carry our individual expectations of what this season should be and how we should feel about ourselves and what is happening around us. Some persons are determined to be happy and enjoy this season regardless of what takes place around them. Others will make choices of being unhappy about the season regardless of how many positive opportunities they have to experience enjoyment.
Our personal expectations of others and ourselves can often be the determining guide as to how we respond to a holiday season. For example, if we are able to meet what we see ourselves as needing to feel good about the circumstances of the holidays, then, usually, we are happy. If we see ourselves as falling short of these personal expectations in some manner, then we are likely to be unhappy.
The same holds true of our expectations of how others should be feeling and behaving during this season. If they meet our expectations, we are happy; if not, then we tend to experience a degree of disappointment.
So, we can conclude that our feelings about the holiday season are basically an extension of how we choose to build and feel about our expectations during the remainder of the year.
If we believe that the world revolves around our wants and needs, then our expectations will frequently not be met and we will be disappointed.
If our expectations for others and ourselves are set too high, we find ourselves with feelings of failure and unhappiness.
If we remember that people behave during the holidays, just as they do during the remainder of the year, to meet their needs, NOT our needs, then our expectations usually lead us to happiness with others.
As with all of our holiday and non-holiday choices, the way we choose to feel and behave during the holiday is always a personal choice. When we set expectations for ourselves, other people and the holiday period on a realistic level, we prepare for the outcomes we actually wish to have happen.
Happiness and joy are just waiting to be chosen by each of us!
Comments welcome. Email: silverchatline@gmail.com
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