There Are No Trees At Sea

 One of the first things that a person is likely to notice while sailing on a ship is that the view of the sea is the same in every direction.

There are no guideposts to give us a sense of direction like there are while we are on land where we have signs, roads, mountains, trees, buildings, etc.  Since we live most of lives on land, most of us develop a dependency on these guideposts that society and common sense places on us to follow so that we do not 'get lost' using our social graces.

Therefore, most of us develop a dependency on external signs to give direction to our lives.   We depend on parents, friends, school, church, employers, media, etc. to assist us as we build an external-based life compass. 

Few make the effort to learn how to develop and live by a complementary individual internal compass.  Many do not know that developing an inner order is even possible.  We have few human models on how to build one.

As we develop our life compass, we produce ‘tapes’ where external guidelines become internalized with beliefs about self and our world.  We easily develop an internal image that is the same as the one developed for us by our outside world.

It is often said, “children are the world’s best recorders, but the world’s worst interpreters on what they hear.”  Children tend to take whatever they hear or see as being true without any process of testing the information for validation.  Most adults play these tapes of self-image learned as children and adolescents over and over without any effort to test and validate them.

I recall one time when our family went to Myrtle Beach, SC, where we visited the House of Mirrors.  Some mirrors gave the appearance of a person being very tall while others projected one being very short.  Other mirrors projected an image of one being very thin while another projected one being very fat.

 

Life is often like this.  The person in front of these mirrors was the same; only the mirror was different.  Yet, many choose to select an image that conforms to their own self-image based on what others have told them.  In a country which is obsessed with looks and images, it is easy to see how many people can develop negative physical views of themselves by depending on the images that others (mirrors) give to us regardless of their validity.

Developing an internal compass is a life-long process of receiving data from outside of one’s self and learning to listen closely to how it fits internally through validation processing.  Most of us start with ‘being at sea and accepting that there are no trees or other signs to help guide us’. 

We can develop our own internal compass through discovering, questioning, confronting, experimentation, research, observation, exploration, clarification, redefining, etc.  Personally, I believe that this emotional labor is far more difficult that any physical labor we may confront.  It can give us a valid reason to avoid the process of developing an internal compass, one that is comfortable with the sameness of having fewer external guidelines such as the sameness of the horizon at sea.

As with everything in our lives with the possible exception of the gift of life itself, we pay some type of price for all that we choose to do.  There are no freebies.  Yet, out external-focused life often teaches us the opposite.

Our desire to be ‘normal’ and live comfortably and safely with others is one of the major obstacles to developing an internal value and guidance compass for our life journey.  It takes lots of personal courage to look inward and challenge the basics we have been taught  to determine who and what we are by so many forces in our life.

For example:  we are confronted with the ‘myth of the good norm’ where we or someone we care about believes that there is only one way which is best for all to believe and behave.  Developing an internal compass asks us to confront this and other myths to determine whether they truly fit into our lives.  After all of the 'practice' we have in being 'normal', it sure can be difficult to see alternatives. 

We can learn that there is no one way for all, especially if we can avoid being too close to see, hear and value differences.  An example can be to challenge very prevalent perfectionist expectations in self and others.  With a great deal of work and effort, we can confront and challenge the guidelines that society gave to us as we grew up and choose a degree that works uniquely for our personal needs. 



Developing both an internal and external compass is positive mental health.
Yet, we know that changing from our excessive dependence on external guidelines for living is very difficult.   Psychologists will tell us that most of us will avoid change at almost any price until the psychic pain we are paying for the status quo becomes so strong that we are finally willing to take the risks that come with change.

We as adults, regardless of our age, now have the choice of whether we wish to begin our own personal and unique internal compass development for whatever remains of our life journey.   Just like being at sea with no trees or guidelines, we are free to go in whatever direction(s) we wish.

Yes, there will be many prices to be paid for making these internal-compass choices.   Only each of us as individuals can decide IF it is worth the prices we are asked to pay to ourselves and others.

Comment Welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Being True To Self

If one has had the chance to study classical literature, they have probably come across the line that underlies much of our personal growth process:  To thine own self, be true.

By the time we have become adults, many aspects of our culture have indoctrinated us to their expectations of what is good and bad or what is normal or abnormal.  Our society has worked diligently to teach how we are to fit well with those around us.

Sometimes this process is so successful that our own true self may disappear.  We can become a collection of what others have told us to value and how we should behave so that we are liked.  It does not take a bright child very long before he/she knows the high value our society places on being liked.

It seems fairly obvious that I can love others only to the extent that I can love myself.  As a social creature I shall work on loving others to meet my basic needs of belonging with someone or some group.  However, until I acquire a positive and healthy love of myself as I truly am, this effort to share love with another becomes difficult to accomplish.

One way that I can love myself is to be honest in choosing which expectations from myself and other people I wish to honor; we always have a choice.  Many times throughout the year we are called to meet the needs of others while being dishonest on what we need to live a full and healthy life.  The many holiday periods are certainly some of the times we experience this type of stress and encouragement to be less than honest in acknowledging our needs in of our dealings with others.

Another way of being true with ourselves is the value system process we choose to bring persons into our personal friendship circle.  There is a saying that conveys to others and us how we see ourselves:  “show me an individual’s friends and the person I shall know”.

Friends are our family of choice; we honor ourselves when we select certain individuals to be our friends.  For these relationships to allow mutual love to exist, each needs to be true to themselves before they can offer love to another person.  Realistically, we cannot offer what we do not have.

Another indicator of an individual who is caring about self and being true to his/her self-image is when they strive to create win-win situations with others.  A “win-win” interaction with others allows me to feel true to myself and the other person.

What I choose to believe about others and myself tends to form the reality in which I live.  If I can truly know who I am and love me with total acceptance of my various traits, then I am in a position to honor myself.  I am being true to myself.

If I am seeking ‘answers’ in my Life Journey, I am more able to find these answers inside of myself if I have been true to the unique person that I am.  Without this truth to self, I am more susceptible to finding unhealthy outcomes in my decision-making.

While always a continual challenge, this effort to know and honor thy self in a truthful manner remains a foundation of the personal growth process.

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Foundations

Our world is full of foundations.  Our buildings have them.  Our economic and spiritual belief/value systems have them.   Our personal foundations determine what type of life we build upon them.

In the world of personal growth, I have found that certain foundational beliefs tend to be most beneficial for us to develop healthy guidelines as we travel our Life Journey. 

Among the ones I consider most important are:

** Different strokes for different folks (an inscription that my heirs have indicated they will place on my tombstone).

**  Life never promised to be fair, logical, rational, etc.

**  People make decisions and behave to meet their needs, not mine.  They basically do what they want to do, not what I want them to do.

While these three guidelines seem understandable and even agreeable by most people in our world, being able to actually implement them into active roles in our lives frequently brings anxiety, stress, depression, etc.  Many have a very difficult time internalizing these guidelines so that they actually do guide our own emotions and behaviors.

For example, we are surrounded each day by people who are different in some significant way from our own view of life and behavior.   Yes, we tend to be attracted to people who we perceive as similar to us in the important aspects of our lives, but common sense tells us that even these people are different from us in important ways.  

While this concept is logical and rational to most, counselors are constantly talking to people who want to “judge” the differences of others and frequently make them into right or wrong.  It seems difficult to fully accept that people see, feel and believe differently from us for reasons that are valid in their own perceptions.

This tendency to structure anothers foundation into absolute right and wrong usually leads to conflict and frustration with other people.  This same behavioral trait is often found in people who frequently believe that our world and the people in it should be structured to be fair, logical, rational, etc.  

From our birth until death, there is, and never has been, any contract with life that promises to be fair or anything else.   Basically, life is a gift that we receive at birth, make personal decisions to manage this gift for a period of time and then we die from earthly existence.

In spite of these struggles, the most difficult one for most people to actually internalize seems to be that people behave for their own needs and do what that they choose to do with their gift of life.  Life can be content and happy when we build win-win situations, but life never promised that anyone would evolve past the basic needs that we are born with: focus on the needs of self.

Fortunately we have civilization and socialization processes to help so that we can live together in peace, manage conflicts, give and receive love, etc.  However, the basic focus of choosing what to do with our gift of life remains the basic foundation of our personal life journey.

Comments welcome.     Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com