Me Responsible?

Most of us grow into adulthood and finally accept that we are the one who is responsible for our thoughts and behaviors.  Much of childhood and adolescence is spent in trying to be responsible for only the fun things in life and trying to displace the responsibility for any messes somewhere else.

Most people follow a path that says that when one leaves the chronological age of being a child or a youth, it is time to behave in an adult manner with ourselves and with other people. 

However, there are always some who believe that the goal of life is to accept personal responsibility for the positive happenings and find someone else to blame for the negative.  Unfortunately, immature attitudes like this can give living a bad name.

Becoming an adult by age or physical development does not guarantee that one reaches the adult level of emotional maturity.  Understanding this concept can help one interact more realistically with those who have not reached the emotional maturity of adulthood, whether by choice or by some other causation.

When one chooses to be an active listener to people who are looking outsides of themselves for the solutions to their problems or attempting to find someone to blame for their situations, it pays to be cautious with these people regardless of how eager one might be to offer assistance.

In counseling classes, one important foundation is offered early and frequently by instructors:  when listening to the life story of another person, it is wise to remember that the talker retains ownership of any situation or problem contained within. 

Unfortunately, people who want to help people often attempt to take over the problem and make it their own.  Almost no one learns how to solve a situation when someone else is there to relieve them of the stress, anxiety or other negative outcomes.

Yes, support though listening hospitality can be helpful for most people.  It does not involve being a preacher, judge, social worker, etc., to relieve the person of their own situations.  To be a mature adult, we are the ones who assume responsibility for our own thoughts, beliefs, feelings and behaviors.

A similar thought that can be helpful in listening to people tell their life stories without taking charge is to recall:  when I do what I have always done, I will get what I have always got. 

For many listeners there is the tendency to take the responsibility away from another by telling them how they can do something different if they expect a different result.  For the person telling his/her story, repeating the same behavior over and over is one way to displace any responsibility for negative outcomes outside of themselves. 

One of the sad realities of life is that many people do not want a different outcome because it does involve the work of doing something different.  Embracing change is a most difficult behavior for many.  Why do that IF one can find another person to take responsibility for my problem or do a repetitive and familiar behavior that does not alter my situation? 

Also, listeners would be wise to know that if their suggestions do not meet the outcomes expected by another, the blame will soon be back with the one who tried to be helpful.

Listening hospitality is a gift that we can offer to another person.  Like other gifts, it is given with no attachments or expectations.   Our responsibility is to be direct, honest, caring, etc. when we give the gift of listening.  It does not involve assuming responsibility for the burdens of another that may encourage them to return to the behaviors of childhood and/or adolescence where someone or something is responsible for what is happening in their world.

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