Closing This Life Chapter

 

This blog is the 63rd essay that I have written for the Power for Positive Living series.  During these past two years, I have written about the various issues that I have found as a human being and as a counseling psychologist to be helpful during my years of teaching and counseling to encourage people to build healthy Life Journeys for themselves.  This has been my gift I wish to leave with others.

If you have read all 63 of these blogs, I sincerely believe that you have a comprehensive view of how I see myself as well as my value system for living an emotionally healthy life.  I have attempted to cover a diverse range of topics that, if utilized, can help many people manage the changes in their lives with healthier choices.  Doing something about this knowledge is significantly different than just reading and thinking about changing one's emotional health.

Hopefully, I have written from first-hand experiences of living 70+ years.  Much of what I have learned has been given to you as my personal gift in this series.   I sincerely hope that you can find a way to use this knowledge in your own life where the result will be a positive healthy Life Journey.  However, like all true gifts, this is given with no expectations of what you choose to do or not do with it.

After these two years of writing a blog every two weeks, I am ready for a rest.  I will now choose some different way of living my life while still maintaining my life goal of assisting others to do what they need to do.   Writing P4PL as a volunteer for my local senior center web site has allowed me to share with many who face the issues which come with growing older in our society.


My birthday month of October seems a good time to change.  Today is my grand-nephew's third birthday!   Part of me hopes that this series of essays will be read by him some day and allow him to better know his uncle as the unique person I am regardless of whether I am able to live through his childhood and adolescence.  Family and friends can also learn about my inner self rather than just recall the outward behaviors and accomplishments which are easier to see.

For now, it is time for me to ‘check out’ for a while and follow my own advice of enriching my Life Journey with some time away from my current life roles.   I do not know whether I shall return with this series or a series of a different type.  I may just rest until the next opportunity for a life energizer presents itself.  Life continues to give me surprises and challenges as the years pass regardless of what I plan.   It may be time to work in another volunteer field.  Or, I may realize that I have more that I want to write about personal growth and return with more issues of P4PL. 

I do plan continued focus on my personal bucket list.   For example, I am eager to introduce my grand-nephew McKeehan to his first airplane flight, his first cruise and his first trip outside of the United States.  This was important to me when I did the same for his father and uncle.   

Also on my personal bucket list, there are many historical friends who have been a significant part of my Life Journey and I wish to visit with each while we are still in decent health and can enjoy extended time together.  For example, a historical friend has given me a western Caribbean cruise for my current birthday.  After 25+ years of friendship, we shall have this rare opportunity to spend extended and quality time together for a wonderful week in January.

I want to experience the continued adventure of living each day to the fullest by appreciating all of the many blessings given to me.  Naturally, I still look forward to meeting new people and creating exciting new memories.

I want to thank my older nephew for his encouragement that led me to begin writing this series in 2010.   Bryan now has part of what he wanted:  the written thoughts of his uncle on possibilities to live a healthy Life Journey.  He will have these memories of me, written by my own hand, for the remainder of his life.   His request has hopefully become a gift to many others.

Thanks to the internet, this series will always be available to Bryan and other individuals.  As stated above, I do have hope that my grand-nephew McKeehan will want to know more about his uncle some day by reading his written words.  And, may these words communicate to many others how their friendship has been an important part of my Life Journey.  Many have left significant marks of joy on my heart and mind.

For those of you who have used the email component to communicate with me about various topics of this series and personal issues, I plan to keep the Silver Chat Line email address open for another year.  Always feel free to visit me there.  While my responses shall be slower, I will get back to you on whatever you have written.  

Since this content is truly timeless in its value, most of us would probably benefit from rereading the series.   I know for myself that a second reading of these essays will allow me a different perspective and enrichment of certain knowledge from when they were first learned and when they were posted over the past two years.

Again, I thank all of you who have shared your reactions and encouragement for this series.  I believe that I have covered all of the topics that were suggested to me by readers with emails.  I have chosen not to write about divisive topics like religion, politics, economics, societal norms, etc.  Writing and sharing these blogs have certainly energized my own personal Life Journey!!

My wish is that you and I manage life’s changes by continuing to seek and choose healthy options for ourselves.  I am pleased that I could be here to offer assistance for those who chose to receive the gifts I have offered.  Life is good!

Comments welcome.  EMAIL:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Helping You Do What You Need To Do

This essay may be a summary of what I have been attempting to offer over the past two years during this series of writings.  One of my life goals has been to leave a record of who I am truly as a person, aside from the various behaviors that are outwardly visible. 

During my years of teaching psychology and offering therapeutic counseling, I often began my classes and sessions with a Hugheyism: “I am here to help you do what you need to do.”

Many times I would often receive a blank stare from individuals.  This sentence seemed to be difficult for many to fully understand.   I was attempting to communicate how I saw my life role which was to be a helper/giver for their life.  Regardless of what I gave, each person was still responsible for deciding what they needed to receive and what to do with their personal Life Journey.

I see one of the basic roles in my Life Journey is to offer assistance to others in enriching their ability to fully live their lives regardless of our relationship.   I am free to offer or not offer this gift of assistance to others.  And, most important, others are free to accept or decline any gift that is offered to them.  


Like all behaviors we choose, there is a 'price' to be paid.  I realize that I have paid a price over the years for my choices, especially in those behaviors affecting my emotions.  Fortunately, in hindsight, I am pleased that I feel very few regrets for the choices I have made in meeting these life goals.

Sometimes I realize that gifts can be given for the benefit of the giver more than for the recipient of the gift.  These are so-called gifts which have expectations (or strings) attached.  Gifts with expectations become more like grants than true gifts.  I also strive to remind myself that whether I choose to make an individual's response to my gift offer into a ‘personal issue’  is my choice, especially if I have allowed an expectation to be created.

A challenging personal question for the giver of assistance is to be honest about what is the 'balance' each of us offer by helping others or how much is this gift for the giver’s benefit versus the recipient’s benefit.  Many of us find this very difficult to give ourselves an honest answer since it is usually in some degree both.   But the effort expended to be honest with ourselves to determine this balance is well worth the effort to self and others.

Another challenge for us is whether we are offering our assistance in a method that is beneficial to the recipient or is better suited to meeting our personal style in helping others.   For example, the recipient may need listening more than he/she needs our verbal wisdom or insight.  However, we may be more comfortable telling another what he/she should do.   So we often give gifts to others with strings attached.   Our assistance may often be given in the manner where we are most comfortable.

While we own any assistance offered or given to another,  the recipient owns how they communicate their openness and willingness for any help received.  There are some people who have issues with receiving gifts.  One can appreciate the kindness of someone offering a gift while not wishing for a variety of reasons to receive the specific gift offered.  

We can also clarify whether the gift-giving is to enhance a win-win outcome or does someone need to admit they need assistance by being 'weaker' or more needy than the giver.  One caution for those of us who like to give and assist others is to be aware that we may seek out and be sought out by  individuals who have needy personalities.

For example, it is difficult to love someone when they do not care about you to the same degree or in the same manner.  So, do we offer love and caring to another without condition of whether they indicate an openness to receive this specific gift in the form the giver wishes to use?  Our values and personal history will usually give us an answer regardless of the logic and rationality of the situation.

What if someone requests assistance from you and you are unclear about what is being asked or you are uncomfortable with the request?  This can be the time when you may need to establish that whatever gift you give does need to fit your own unique personality about giving and receiving rewards.  One healthy perspective is remembering that regardless of our desire to help others,  need will usually exceed our ability to supply.

My experience has taught me over the years that many people, if not most, have some awareness of what needs to be done to bring positive change into their world.  Often there is a need for assistance in structuring the change which works for them.  The challenge is often to find a true gift without expectations from another.   Another challenge is to find someone who will truly accept a gift without feeling an obligation to reciprocate.

I believe that I am present to assist others with my personal gifts in accomplishing whatever they have decided is best for their individual lives.   I do not make the decisions!  This role of being a helper and giver seems to have been one of  my major life goals.


Unfortunately, some seek assistance from others so that responsibility for the pain of thinking and behaving in healthy ways can be transferred to others.  Being aware of this behavior can clarify where and how one can be most helpful in offering help to others.

We all live with the personal limits of time, energy, resources, etc., in ourselves and in others.  Being honest with these limits is crucial in providing the gift of assisting others.

This series of essays on aids to positive personal growth, as seen through the experiences of one human being,  are offered as one way to assist the reader with his/her Life Journey.  There has no attempt to offer "the answer" to one's questions about the personal choices he/she makes.


I have learned that when I assist others to meet their goals in life, I have usually found myself achieving my own.

Hopefully you have been able to find something in this P4PL series that has been helpful to you in some personal way.  This is my gift to you.   The motivation to offer this gift of essays to assist you in doing whatever you need to do to enrich your Life Journey provides the goal for why they were written.

Comment welcome.

Personal Retreat

 There are few people who do not at some time encounter a desire to ‘check out’ of their daily routine and retreat inside to an inner place of peace.  Our society encourages us to remain busy and be productive during our waking hours.  Many even manage to pack so many activities into this awake time that they do not get enough sleep and rest to remain healthy.

During my graduate school work, I was affected strongly by the writers of humanistic philosophy.  Many scholars wrote about the life-long challenge we all face to learn and understand about our transparent selves.  There was the perspective that most people go through their lives with just a surface understanding of themselves and do not offer their real self to themselves or others in a transparent manner.  This non-offering can often come from factors like ignorance and/or fear.

I remember a key sentence that left its mark on my thoughts and behaviors as I eventually established the framework for my professional life that came to be known as Friend Ship.  “A person needs a place and/or person to go when he finds his life unlivable.”

Friend Ship has as one of its components the structure of a personal retreat.  Similar to a spiritual retreat, the individual makes the decision as to the focus that is different from the various roles and expectations that he lives in his ‘normal’ world.  If, for example, personal spirituality is part of the retreat goal, then one is free to accept their God’s love and support.

The methods and goals are unique and personal; each participant sets his/her own path for self-exploration either by her/himself and/or with the input and support of a facilitator.  A personal retreat facilitator creates an atmosphere of invitation for you to share SAFE TIME with a caring and trustworthy friend where you have the rare gift of being yourself.

Although each personal retreat is different, many have similar components based on the mutual humanness we share.  For example, all healthy people have a need to be heard.  Receiving the gift of listening hospitality allows for a safe atmosphere that is supportive and non-judgmental.

A personal retreat allows one to be ‘off stage’ or check out from regular life roles and responsibilities.  One can explore the quality of my life, my emotional development and individual pattern of personal growth.  People who enter a personal retreat check out by leaving their ‘normal’ roles at the door.

We know that there is a shortage of active listeners in our world!  Few are trained to hear verbally and non-verbally when we are ready, eager and have a need to talk.  Unfortunately, most people think that they are good, if not excellent listeners.  Based on the large number of people still trying to find an active listener, it would seem that many have a faulty self-perception.  

There can be confusion with the behavior of being silent as being the same as active listening.  Active listening is work!  This process requires maximum involvement with the 'here-and-now' of a person's world.  Silence is only not speaking; yet for many,  even that seems difficult.

Checking out from our usual assortment of life advisors and interact with a person offering listening hospitality we can experience the gift of being heard without someone wanting to give us their advice or solution to areas which are unique and personal to each of us.

A personal retreat is available for the time when our need to talk for understanding conflicts with the needs of friends and family who are unable or unwilling to listen to us for a wide variety of reasons.

Friend Ship and personal retreating are not present to do something to or for you.  In an atmosphere of listening hospitality (silence or active listening with another person), you will find the will and way to do for yourself.  You will learn to hear yourself!

Checking out encourages exploration of any aspect of life: self-esteem, stress, relationships enrichment, spiritually, values, hate and love, grief, friendships, career, or solitude. 

Personal retreating encourages you to experience the inner world of writing your own Life Novel; there is no prearranged goal of solving problems or changing behaviors/feelings.  All that is needed for the process to work is the curiosity to share and learn about you from yourself.

You are free to choose your time for:  reflecting, thinking, relaxing, playing, praying, reading, journal writing, meditating, being silent, creating,, exploring, risking, defining, body sensing, experimenting, interacting with facilitator or being alone.

Yes, we all have a healthy need to periodically ‘check out’ and explore aspects of our lives that our daily roles and obligations often prevent us from doing.  But, how many of us value ourselves to make this opportunity for peace and healthy living?  Do we really value our own self-esteem to a high degree by making a checking-out process an integral part of our life?

Comments Welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com