Holiday Expectations 2

A year ago an essay was written about the expectations that each of us carry into this holiday period.  All that was written last year is as true this year, as it was last year and many years before.  Therefore, I encourage you to return to Holiday Expectations  (Dec 2009)  and reread what was written as a preface to this addition.

One of the characteristics of this Power for Positive Living blog series is that almost everything contained in the various blogs remain timeless year after year.  They offer positive guidance for us when we are adolescents all the way through our senior years. 

Even with this knowledge and living experience, it can remain a frequent challenge for each of us to implement what we have learned during our life journey into allowing us to enjoy healthy and positive lives on a daily basis.

Recently I was sharing a feeling of excitement about a blog content with a friend.  Since I had written it, the content was of value to me.  My friend chose to respond with the comment: “I’ve heard it all before; there is nothing new”.

Even with all of my years of professional and personal experience and this person being a historical friend of long standing; I was disappointed at his response.  Yes, the response was true to him, because one cannot know me for long without learning that I have  value, belief and behavior systems which I freely share with others.

After pondering the exchange, I found myself with the typical human responses of wanting to find someway to blame him for disappointing me.  He was not being supportive.  He did not listen to my sense of excitement.  He chose to focus on the repetitive aspect of the content rather than my feelings.

However, I finally realized that part of the responsibility for my feelings was placing my own expectations on him.  I had an idea of how he should have responded and he chose to honor his own expectations rather than try to meet mine.  I was the one with the feelings of disappointment.

So, whether it is the holiday season or not, we are continually facing the challenge of placing expectations on ourselves and on others.  If I meet my own expectations of myself, I tend to be happy; if not, then I tend to be disappointed in me. 

The same is true when I choose to place expectations on others; they have the same choice to honor my expectations or not and I experience the resultant feelings.  

During this holiday season, we need to remind ourselves that the world does not revolve around our wants and needs.  People behave to meet their needs, not ours.  Others think about us far less often than we do!

Each of us is free to decide whether to honor the expectations we place on ourselves during the holidays and other times of the year, just as others may want to place on us.  Reality encourages us to realize that often people make choices about our expectations for them that are different than what we prefer.

As with all of our choices, holiday or non-holiday, the way we choose to feel and behave each day is always personal.  When we set expectations for ourselves and other people at a realistic level, we experience the outcomes we actually wish to have happen.

Each day our personal joy and happiness of setting and receiving expectations are waiting to be chosen!

Comments welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Healing

Since it seems impossible to go through life without being emotionally hurt by self and/or others, we often find ourselves dealing with the various processes of healing.

Handling the lost of family and friends during the holiday season is a special hurt that the season tends to make more difficult for many of us.  The holiday period of Thanksgiving through Christmas tends to focus us on the happiness that comes from being with others who are special to us.  If one does not fit this pattern due to his or her feelings of losing someone close, these days can be most difficult with healthy healing being stressful.

Our world does change when we lose a loved one.  There are many possibilities on the type and degree of change that occurs, but there is no doubt that changes of some type will take place in our world.

Any study of group dynamics will demonstrate that the addition and/or deletion of a person within a group will alter the way the group acts as individuals as well as a group.  How the group and the individuals within it decide to manage this change is usually an evolving process and can be short or long in its implementation.  Our family is in the middle of that process.

This past fall my sister passed away.  The birthday month of October began the process of change for us as a family and as individuals.  The value and manner of celebrating birthdays started to change.  Without the presence of my sister, our group celebration was different as were the feelings of the individual family members.

November brought the ‘family’ holiday of Thanksgiving.  With a key member of our family not present, we appeared to be without a common direction.   There seemed to be no one available to replace the role that my sister has played in how our family celebrated this holiday.  While other family members and friends supported us, our new ways of managing our loss have not evolved.   We still hurt and our healing continues to affect our feelings even in a season where the focus is on family blessings.

December brings the Christmas holiday season, supposedly the most joyous holiday of the year.  As our family’s prime motivator of this season, the loss of my sister is already being felt as we prepare for Christmas.  So many ‘traditions’ that we experienced as a family unit will never be repeated with her absence.  We face the challenge of building new ways of celebrating this holiday. 

December is also a difficult month because this is the time that Evelyn and I lost our mother to cancer on 21 December 1982.    It took us a long time to rebuild our holiday joy after that loss.  I expect a long time to rebuild my emotions managing my sister’s loss.

Part of our family’s healing process is going to be structuring new ways for us to celebrate our blessings and joys during these months of October, November and December.  We will do part of it as a family unit.  Each of us will develop unique and individual ways to heal as we manage our thoughts and feelings during this part of the year.  


The relationships I have with my nephews will evolve as we respond to the changes that come from losing their mother as a member of our family unit.  As her sons, they will decide on what type of relationship they want as brothers without the presence of their mother.

Our family is not alone.  Many of Evelyn’s friends will also be adjusting to life without her presence.  Her Sunday school class will miss her helpful and encouraging spirit.

Our healing for this and other losses is always a personal and usually a private process.  Some of us will use a primarily internal process.  Some will turn to the support and interaction of being with other people.   Others will turn to a spiritual and religious focus. 

Regardless of the time or method that we take to do so, each human seems to have his or her own way of healing from the hurt of loss.  I remain most thankful for this blessing of being able to heal as a human from the hurts I do experience in life.

 Comments Welcome.   Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Be Like Me!

Even though most of us are honest when we state that we prefer to associate with people who are mostly like us, this attitude can give us comfort as well as conflict in our interactions with others.

One foundation of healthy and growing relationships comes when each of us understands and truly accepts that I cannot make another value/want what I want/value in a relationship.

Each of us has wants/needs/values when we make choices on the people with whom we interact.   Our lives with others tend to be easier when these factors are similar in type and degree.  There is no guarantee that life will be more interesting or safer if we associate with similar persons, but the odds are that it will be easier to handle.

How many parents have grieved when they discovered that their children wanted or valued something different from their parents?

Many counselor offices are full of people who want an important person in their lives (usually a spouse, friend or family member) to change to having similar attitudes and behaviors  

How frustrating it can be for each of us to confront the realization that some of the people who we love and care about actually value and/or want something different in their relationship with us!  Why can't they be like me?  Our lives would be so much easier if those around me behaved like me.

One of the realities in human behavior is that people choose to give only what they are able and willing to give in relationships.  There two important words (able/willing) present in that sentence complete our behavior of choice.  Healthy understanding of relationships encourages us to note these concepts of ability and willingness when we engage in behaviors and attitudes with other people.

First, each of us is confronted with what we are able to give in relating to other people.   We may want to value something that is important to another person but we may not be able for a variety of reasons such as our personal experiences and history.  When this choice becomes apparent to others, some may choose not to have a relationship.

Second, we may be able to give to others what they value, but we may also choose not to give because we are not willing, regardless of whether we are able.  Each of us is continually facing the personal choices of our ability and willingness to give or not give.   Our choices of the price we are able and willing to pay will usually affect what type of relationships we have with people.  One can count on the reality that there will be some type/amount of price to be paid by each person in a relationship.

Even when we are able and willing to want/value in a similar manner for ourselves in relating to another, we may encounter the frustration that the other person has different wants and values in their manner of relating.  Oh, how we often want to change them to see a situation, feel, think, behave, believe to how we see that situation!  And, we ask: why can't they see reality like I do?

If I am healthy, I am realistic in realizing that I cannot make anyone value/want what I want/value in a relationship.  I accept the reality that the people in my world choose to give me only what they are able and/or willing to give me.  And, I do the same in return.

With this realization as a solid foundation, a positive and healthy relationship has the possibility of being formed and maintained.

I can then understand and accept that much of the time during my Life Journey, I do not have to change friends, IF I understand and am comfortable that my friends and I are both changing.  We all will encounter change and make continual choices on how we each wish to manage it in others and ourselves.

Comments welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Loneliness

How can anyone in the Atlanta metro area feel lonely when there are over 5.4 million people living here?  Based on the number of cars on the roads and the forest lands devastated for homes, it would seem that just the opposite would be the prevailing feeling for anyone living in this area.

As with many areas of personal growth, loneliness is one of those words that people tend to use as though everyone has the same definition for it.  The most common confusion comes when the words loneliness and being alone are used interchangeably.

Being alone is a physical state where an individual is present only to him or herself; there are no other humans, pets or other living things around them.  It is sometimes referred to as the "Walden Pond" (David Thoreau) syndrome where one enjoys and personally grows from just being alone with one’s self.  Yet others dread with fear the situation of not having a pet or human around them most, if not all of the time.

When one is physically alone, one has the opportunity to focus on their personal thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  They can explore their own hopes and fears without the distractions that other people or pets can provide.  There is no need to “act” to meet the expectations of others.

It is unfortunate that being alone is not highly valued in much of our society.  As children we soon learn what the people around us expect.  Sometimes we learn these roles so well that setting them aside for alone time just with ourselves can feel alienating and frightful.  So, we seek to be with others frequently so that we can feel good about ourselves.

And, there are times when individuals totally become the roles they play in everyday society and are unable to separate their self image from the expectations of self and others.  Being alone without an audience can be scary for many and thus avoided.

Loneliness is basically an emotional state and has little to do whether one is with or without the company of humans, pets and other living things.  It is the way an individual feels about him or herself regardless of physical surroundings.  This feeling is the individual’s reality.  

One of the areas of loneliness that many people have difficulty understanding is how an individual can feel lonely and yet be surrounded by family, friends and others who love and care about them.  Loneliness is an internal feeling and has little to do with one's external environment.

It can be so frustrating to the person who continues to feel lonely even when there are many caring people around.  It also can be very frustrating if one is trying to help a lonely person feel better and yet nothing he/she does seems to have an effect for change.

Therefore, we can see the confusion that is present when these two different states are seen as interchangeable.  Being alone only needs a change of external physical change by associating with people. 

Loneliness is an internal emotional state that is built on many aspects of one’s self image and needs the work of counseling (learning different ways to think and believe) and/or aspects of personal growth to have real change.   Of these two behaviors, handling the feelings of loneliness are much more difficult and challenging for an individual to confront and change as they involve extensive and intensive energy and work. 


Managing the feelings of loneliness encourages an individual to learn such skills as accepting and loving themselves as they are even when they practice behaviors to meet goals of personal change.  It can be difficult to overcome loneliness if being happy with ourselves is built on the expectations of others.  Alienation from self can often be the foundation on which many lonely feelings are built.

It is also more difficult for those who care about an individual who is lonely to recognize that much of the work in changing feelings of loneliness is an “inside job” and depends on the internal motivation and emotional work within an individual.  Changing feelings of loneliness involves more effort than just being surrounded by other people.  

Accepting the limitations of what we can and cannot do to alter another’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs continues to be a major challenge for many of us.  Only we can as individuals have the power to formulate and implement the feelings and behaviors that allow us to differenate between being alone versus being lonely.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Assumptions

One of my major daily goals is to exercise by walking.  I have read that this is one of the best things that I can do for myself as the birthdays continue to pass at a rapid rate.  My primary care physician tells me that walking is one thing that keeps me in such good condition for “a man of your age”.

So, I try to walk at least 5 mornings each week.  Last year I walked a total of 1468 miles for which I was very pleased.

Rather than face the changing elements of walking outdoors, I have found myself a place with constant factors; I walk at my local Lowe’s Store.   I have three tracks laid out for me to take depending on the day:  3, 4 or 5 miles.

After 9 years, I have become a familiar face in this store both with the employees and the customers.  I still find myself entertained with the assumptions that people make about me and this process of walking.

Recently we were having one of those gorgeous spring/fall days in Georgia where the sun is out, the temperature is moderate, the humidity is low, etc.  One person approached me and told me that I should be walking outside in the fall weather not inside.

Of course, the word ‘should’ is one of those words that sets off alarms in my head and pushes the button of personal rebellion.  However, in this case, the major reaction was that he had no idea of why I chose to walk inside the building each day regardless of other factors.  


Like many others, he told me what to do based on what he himself would choose to do.  Perhaps being 40 years younger led him to assume that he knew better than myself where I should be walking.

I choose to walk inside Lowes  because the floor is always flat with no ridges or potholes, no sidewalk drop offs, no barking dogs with razor teeth, no tree branches to duck, a constant temperature of 70 degrees with consistent humidity, no blinding sunlight or concern about rain, pleasant chats with people without becoming involved, walking distances that are pre-measured, etc.  These are MY reasons for walking inside, but it is always interesting that people project their assumptions into my behavior.

Whenever we see people doing certain behaviors, it is easy for many of us to assume the reason that they are doing it because of some reason we believe that we know.  This behavior is similar to the human trait of having two people use the same word and yet have different definitions of what that word means to them.


Another major assumption that I have recently encountered is the belief held by some people in my world  that they know how I should be feeling and behaving as I manage to process the grief of my sister's death.  How can anyone know what I should be doing to handle a 68-year old relationship and convey these assumptions of knowledge to me?  How wonderful it is to encounter the person who can offer the gift of non-directive paths by being willing to realize that deep listening is such a treasure.

Since most of us tend to select to associate with people who we believe are similar to ourselves, it is very easy to jump to assumptions on why people make the choices that they do.  When our assumptions are met, we tend to feel positive toward these people.   When our assumptions are not met, we often feel mystified and frustrated with others and wonder what is wrong with them.

One can be encouraged to be cautious in making assumptions about people and/or situations.  An aid to this approach can be the quote: “Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape”.  Being able to listen carefully to others and retain flexibility in what we see can be most helpful in allowing us the positive handling of assumptions within our world.

Comments welcome.    Email:  sillverchatline@gmail.com

Two C's: Change and Choice

One year ago I wrote my first blog; it began the series known as Power for Positive Living.   Since that time a new blog about the power each of us has as individuals to mange the changes in our lives has been written and posted every two weeks.

I thank you for reading these essays and for the responses you have shared with me via email.

All that has been written during this first year reinforces the power of understanding and accepting the two C’s of life:  our lives are constantly changing and we continue to have the choice on how we manage living.

My life has changed during the past year and I have struggled to manage some of the more difficult parts.  My sister of 68 years died last month and my world will never be the same.  Another long-time friend died over the summer.  This summer I also learned that a friend of 30 years decided to take a different path of life and it did not include me; I am still mystified and hurt as no reason was every conveyed.  


As usual, the easier parts of the year were more comfortable in their  management.  The joy of watching my grand nephew grow to his 2^nd birthday, a trip to beautiful Hawaii,  meals and visits with family and friends, etc., all helped make this year most positive.


I know that changes in my life will continue between now and next October.  And, I shall continue to make choices on how I manage these changes.

My first blog is offered again today as a reminder that certain aspects of life continue to evolve and are as solid for our mental health today as anytime from our past.

*********

As a retired counseling psychologist, I have often been asked what are some key things that I have learned about others and myself that can aid one to have a healthy life as a senior. 

One of the key aspects of human behavior that I have observed over the years, and usually is confirmed by conversation, is that there are two basics in our lives that most of us continually struggle with in some form: change and choice, the two C’s.

Everything in our life is constantly in a process of change.  Some times the process is slow, while others times it happens so rapidly that we are stunned and find ourselves wondering what happened.   Sometimes the changes are pleasant, understandable and bring happiness to our world; sometimes the opposite occurs.

By the time we have reached our senior years, we have frequently become very skilled at resisting the changes taking place in ourselves, our friends, our families, our health, our finances, etc.  We invest a great deal of energy in seeking to have our worlds remain in what we see as a ‘normal’ state.  We want the world and the people in it to behave, as we believe they should!

The reality of change is a given in our lives.  The choices we make to manage these continuing changes are frequently the largest personal challenge we each face as individuals.  We have so many varied choices and sometimes lots of people who are eager to tell us what we should choose to think, feel and behave in leading our lives as we get older.  

Usually the major choice for most people is whether to accept or reject responsibility for the individual choices each of us makes.  Frequently we find that our ‘problems’ are usually not the changes that are taking place all around, but what decisions we do make when faced with change in others and ourselves.

As we talk with people in our world, it usually does not take long to learn to what degree an individual has chosen to be responsible for the choices he/she faces.   Many choose healthy, positive and nurturing attitudes and behaviors.   Others may choose to react to change with denial, displacement to others, rebellion, or victimization.

The easiest path is often to choose to not embrace changes and rely on habits and experiences from earlier years.  However, the healthiest route for happiness is usually to accept that we are free as individuals to decide to accept or resist the reality of change by the choices we make in how we feel and think about our world and ourselves.

How we handle these 2 C’s tend to make us the individuals we are at any stage in our lives.  It is an awesome personal power!

Comments are welcome!  Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Birthday Holiday

With the arrival of my birth month October, this seems a good time to ponder some thoughts and feelings regarding my 71st personal holiday.  First, I can celebrate being alive and healthy with people to love and who love me!

Second, the passing of my only sister Evelyn on the first day of September has made a major impact on celebrating my personal joy of me being alive.  She and I shared the month of October as our personal holidays of our births; mine was on the 2^nd and hers was on the 3^rd.

After 68 years of sharing our birthdays, this year’s birthday holiday intensifies the major change that has taken place in my world and a unique and weird feeling of loneliness even while surrounded by family and friends.  Now I face new challenges for managing my post-71 years.

Last month a good friend of mine died during his 60s -- which gets younger and younger to me at each birthday.  One of his favorite expressions was: “If I had known that I would live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.”  Me, too!

As with most humans I know, I probably would have made a few different choices along life’s journey while reconfirming most of the major ones that I did make.  One thing that has changed is the awareness that the distance between being 30 and 70 is not anywhere near as big as I once thought.  Life DOES pass quickly.

As many know, I celebrate my birthday for the entire month of October.  My birthday is my own PERSONAL holiday; it is a time where I can focus on celebrating the joys and challenges of my own unique life journey – alone and with others who wish to join me.

Since I have a small family, a birthday month gives me plenty of time to celebrate with a much larger group – my family of friends.  “Show me a man’s friends and the man I shall know” is an often-used phrase that I believe after my years of living.  If you know my friends over the past 50 years, you have a very clear picture of who I am.

Confronted with the reality that many issues will prevent me from seeing some of my historical friends in person before one of us passes from this life, I find each birthday increases my desire to see these persons while we both are able.  Aging does increase the need to prioritize what we want to do with whatever time we have left.

Our society tends to focus on being young, acting young, looking young, behaving with youth activities, etc.  Therefore, even though we are all aging with each birthday, it can be difficult to find one’s personal path to the aging journey.  Some embrace looking for their personal path while other prefers to deny that aging is taking place.

Getting older is full of changes.  I find it more difficult to make new friends.  There are plenty of chances for acquaintances, but the in-depth relationships of a historical friend grow more difficult as each birthday passes.

Most people my age have their full ‘quota’ of friends in their friendship circle.  Many are not willing to place the time and energy into building the friendships that once came so easily when one was younger and had more common activities.

In addition to having a full quota of friendships, many have turned their focus on to their grandchildren and the arrival of numerous medical issues in their lives.  Each of these takes one’s current time and energy.  And there seems to be less time and energy available to each of us as we age even though the day is still 24 hours.

One aspect of my focus on maintaining personal health has been that this birthday marks the beginning of my 9^th year of my walking program.  As of this birthday, I have completed 1122 miles toward my annual goal of 1200 miles.

While one is gaining the presence of grandchildren in our lives, one is also learning about the loss of friends.  Some just decide to go in a different direction with their lives and it does not include me any longer.  While some are kind to talk about it and share what is happening, others just depart.  As with each person who enters my life, each leaves a special mark that I carry forever in my heart.

The departure of friends like my sister who quickly can die without any warning or as a result of a very long and draining illness, encourages me to confront my own mortality and make frequent contact with dear friends a personal priority.

I have always felt blessed by my family of friends.  They have been there for me to offer kindness and support as well as to receive whatever gifts I could give them.  Some have been very generous to me in a material form.   However, the caring, love and nurturing support from these people are the most important to me.

From one I received a cruise to Hawaii for my 69^th birthday and another gave me a plane ticket to Hawaii for my 70^th birthday.   I also received an all-day trip to Callaway Gardens in Georgia.  For my 71^st birthday, a couple of friends in Texas have invited me to join them on an all-expenses paid Caribbean cruise this December.  

Birthdays can start processing the differences between being left alone as our ‘family’ leaves us in various ways versus the challenges of loneliness.  Do we live alone or seek some form of group living style?  How do we manage the choices of each?

We confront the reality that money has a great deal of power on the state of our mind toward positivism and negativism in our lives as we age.  For many we are evaluated and judged by others on how much wealth we have accumulated during our lives.  Having sufficient funds does make many of our life options easier during our later years.

Few seem to understand this power while they are young; I know that I did not learn the principles of saving and investing while I could do something about it in my youth.  Now the absence of sufficient funding affects many aspects of my life at this age from health care to travel.

Of course, the most positive aspect of my personal holiday is that I am still here in this life to celebrate a 71^st birthday.  “I am upright and living above the grass” with good health.


My life insurance  company expects me to live for 16 more years.  I am going to do all that I can to assist them in meeting this expectation of me living until I am at least 87!

Regardless of the manner and degree in which we choose to celebrate the special joy of our birth, this celebration is still part of our own individual personal life journey.  

We make our birthdays into what has value for us while others are invited to participate to the degree that they prefer.

Comment welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Losing Part Of Self

On Wednesday, 1 September 2010, a part of me died when my sister of 68 years passed away from a heart attack about 3:00 in the afternoon.  This event brought a decade of her pain and suffering to an end while producing a hole in the lives of many people who loved and cared about her.

After a decade of illness and the many trips we made to the hospital I had prepared myself that she was about to die.  But, she kept bouncing back in spite of her rheumatoid arthritis and pain from it and other illness.  I grew to believe that she would outlive me and her death was seldom on my mind.


We both lost our younger brother Bob on 
12 September  2004  who passed at the age of 61.

Her latest encounter with the medical world was on 18 August when she had knee surgery followed by time in a rehabilitation hospital.  As I have done so many times in previous years, I brought her home on 31 August.  She projected a feeling of being upbeat with her attitude; she could be at home in her comfortable chair and have her cat back in her lap.

Even with all of the previous close calls that my sister had, her death 24 hours later was a complete surprise.  I could feel a significant part of my historical self slip away.  After 68 years as brother and sister with the full range of feelings and behaviors that entails, my life has changed significantly with her departure from my world.  Since both of my siblings who were younger than me have passed, I am in that unique and somewhat lonely position of being the last family member alive.

One of the areas of which I am thankful is that my sister and I departed in an atmosphere of positive feelings.  In her early days of illness, I played “Big Brother” and tried to nag her to do what I thought was good for her.  The results were lots of arguments.

Finally I realized one of my own Hugheyisms: “People will basically do what they want to do with their own lives and they behave to meet their needs, not mine.”  When I stopped trying to take over my sister’s life in a belief to have her practice my view of good health, our time together was a great deal more positive.  I am glad that I finally began to practice what I have always preached!

Rather than a traditional funeral, my sister and I shared a similar value in that we wanted to have a memorial service with the focus of what we have done with the gift of life that God has given to us.  Her two sons, Bryan and Daniel, produced a special memorial service to honor their mother that conveyed the spirit of her as a mother, teacher, and friend to so many in her community.  I believe that she would have been very proud of how they conveyed to the many in attendance the essence of who their mother was and the ways she helped others with her gift of life.

My experience has been that there is so much activity during the period around a person’s death.  There is never enough time to be for visitation and listen to all of the people who were important to the deceased.  I am so thankful that so many people made the effort to make sure that her sons and brother got to hear of how Evelyn made an impact in their lives.

I have been blessed by the phone calls, visits, emails, etc. of loving people who not only wanted to share their love of Evelyn with me and her sons, but wanted to also convey their sincere caring about the three of us and how they could help us manage this surprise loss.  Time will be a major healer, just as it always as been, but the caring of people around me will help nurture me in so many ways during the difficult days ahead.

Longevity genes are not present in our family with both of my parents dieing at young ages.  My younger brother died at 61 and Evelyn passed at the same age as our mother, 68.  Going through this experience reinforces for me to make the most of my ‘bucket list’ and spend as much time as I can interacting with family and friends while living each day to its fullest.

Evelyn and I shared October birthdays.  Mine is on the 2^nd and hers was on the 3^rd.  For the first time in 68 years, she will not be present to have us co-celebrate the most important personal holiday of my yearly calendar.  For the first time, my joyous celebration of my life will be tempered by her absence.

However, her memories are always a part of me starting back during World War 2 when war rationing forced us to share the same birthday cake; 1//2 on the 2^nd and 1/2 on the 3^rd.

Yes, a significant person in my life has departed; I shall never be the same.  Like all losses I prepare to grieve in the days ahead and know that I shall emerge with the powerful awareness that I was blessed to have Evelyn as my sister. 

 I make the commitment to myself to choose to recall the positive parts of our relationship, support her sons in every way that I am able and make sure that her only grandchild knows how much she loved him.

Comments welcome.   Email: silverlistener@gmail.com

What Is The Problem?

Unless you are caught in the middle of a situation, one of the entertaining aspects of human behavior can be to learn how a number of people can all look at the same object or situation and yet see it completely different.

An example can be family communication.  Individual A likes to interact frequently by email, phone and visiting.  He/she likes to share what is happening in his/her world and learn what the other members of the family are doing, planning, fearing, celebrating, wishing for, etc.  Knowledge and frequent communication builds stronger family bonds for this individual.

However, this person can be placed into a family that views this behavior in a completely different manner.  These other individuals see contact with family as being reserved for special events like birthdays or when there is some major news or illness to report.  Individual A can see their interactions as more like an exchange of newsletters than anything else. 

These other family members have lives and friends of their own so they see family as only a portion of their social world.  Infrequent family contact meets their needs at a very satisfactory level.

So, while Individual A is venting his frustration that his/her family cannot be more like what he/she would like for them to be in communicating, the remainder of the family members are saying something similar to: “what is the problem?”

Unless the family members come to accept each member as they are and remove his/her set of expectations, each will be unhappy. Often whatever we call a ‘problem’ is a set of attitudes and expectations that we carry toward ourselves and the other people in our world.   Some will immediately see a situation as being a problem while other looking at the same situation are wondering:  what/where is the problem?

 It is often helpful to recall that we cannot make another person value what we value in a relationship.  People still do what will meet their needs as they live their life, not what will meet our needs or solve our problems.

Naturally, this same behavior can carry into all aspects of our lives other than just with family communications.   It can enter the world of our work, participating in social organizations, and even such areas as to how we drive on the highway. 

We are all different and unique from each other.   This can bring happiness by the appreciation of diversity or conflict when others want to behave in a way different from our expectations. 

Each of can be confused and irritated when someone sees us as being “a problem” when our response is more likely to be “What is the problem?  I don’t see any problem.”   Or, we have the choice of becoming angry when we can see the problem so clearly and other do not see what we see.  We may be tempted to yell “why can’t you see this problem like I can?” 

Of course we can always choose to turn the interaction into a blame-game by saying something like “you are the problem, not me.”  That is practically guaranteed to leave all participants with defensive feelings of anger and a low outlook for resolution.

We can conclude that since we are unique and individual, we will probably be in a large number of situations where we see something different than another.

Recalling that “different strokes for different folks” can be helpful in assisting us to resolve a situation rather than deciding to play victim and/or blame psychological mind games with others and ourselves.  The first helps us find win-win resolution while the second usually ends with lose-lose outcomes.

Comments welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

LOVE EXPECTATIONS

There are many factors that influence our effectiveness in communicating with other people.  Some of these factors are our own personal traits, others are unique characteristics of other people and some are the influences of the society in which we live.

One of the most challenging factors for us is when we are using the same word and yet the parties involved have different definitions for that word.   I can say the word ‘frequently’.  To one person that may mean something happens every week of the year while another may see the word as indicating something that happens every hour of most days.

There are many words in our language that open themselves open to a multiple range of meanings.   Examples like these often lead to us having different expectations when we try to communicate effectively so that we do understand what each is saying even when we use the same language.

As a counselor it does not one long to become aware of how many different meanings the word ‘love’ has and the numerous expectations that come with the use of that word.  Oh, how many hearts have been broken when one has expectations of self and another in the areas of love, while a reverse set of expectations of the same word is taking place in the other person!

The following quotation illustrates the difficulties better than anything I could write.  The author is Glenn Pease.  The quotation’s content provides each of us much to think about over and over.  As we proceed on our Life’s Journey, we gain new experiences for the meanings of this one word that is so powerful on the quality of our lives.

“I like every man and woman, want to be loved.  But, like every man and woman, I have my own idea, grounded in my own personality and temperament and experience of what loving and being loved means.

“Moreover, locked in the prison of my own ways of thinking and feeling, I frequently assume that my definition of love is the only correct one.  As a result, I want and expect to be loved in the same way that I love others, with the same responses that I interpret as evidence of lovingness.

“But, I am not loved in that way.   Instead (and quite logically, if one can be that logical about this), I m loved in the way that my partner thinks and feels about love, the way he or she understands and expresses it.

“In my own distress, I often do not recognize that my partner is experiencing the same incongruity in reverse.  So, puzzled, hurt and unable to communicate our confusion to each other, we both understandably feel unloved.”

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Listening Is Loving

How many people in your world do you consider to be good listeners?  How many of these same people would consider you to be a good friend?

It is probably fair to say that most of us believe that the world is short of people who care to listen to us.  It is rare for any of us not to have at least once complained in our lives that we are irritated or angry when a specific person chooses not to listen to us, especially since we believe we have something important to say.

There are many ways to show others that we care for them and that we love them as family and friends.  One of the most valued ways that we convey this love is when we choose to give another person the gift of our listening to them. 

Because this gift often appears so simplistic and seems easy to give, we often overlook its value in expressing our love for another.  Yes, when we decide to listen to someone, we also decide to give him or her a gift of human love.

Lots of articles have been written about the skills of active and passive listening.  Is one method any better or more effective in conveying our caring than the other?  Is one way easier for us to externally demonstrate that our listening is a gift of love?

Active listening usually includes the exchange of words, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc.  We use various methods to structure an atmosphere where people can freely express themselves.  We ask questions not for the answers we want to hear, but to encourage another to seek a personal answer that will allow him or her to understand better their own self-image.

With active listening, our comments are offered to encourage people to talk about themselves.  We can offer statements that reflect our understanding of what is being said in an effort to help the individual better clarify their responses.  We can offer encouragement with statements like “tell me more about that”.

With active listening we can use eye contact and body posture to indicate that we really are listening to the person rather than just waiting for them to finish their thoughts so that we can move on to what many consider more important --- what I have to say.

The way we choose to indicate our gift of listening to another depends on the traits of that individual.   Just as we purchase gifts individually rather than try to give a “one gift fits all” approach, our gift of listening should also be individualized.

Sometimes an individual prefers the gift of passive listening.  With this form of listening, we usually rely more on non-verbal cues to indicate that we are present, we care and we are closely listening to what is being said. 

Non-verbal cues can be offered by nodding of the head, smiling, leaning forward to be closer to the person, offer short phrases like “yes, I see”, or being willing to sit in silence.  Passive listening is focused on attempting to minimize the chance that our words can interfere with our gift of listening.

One of the realities in our world is that most people think about me far less frequently than I do.   When I find a true listener who loves me by listening, I respond positively to that treasure.  And, when I want to convey my love for another, I tell them that I am thinking of them before myself by giving the gift of listening.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Poor Me

There are many choices for each of us in how we wish to interact with the people around us.  Most of these choices are based on our core beliefs about ourselves and other people.

If we have a positive and healthy self-image of ourselves with a belief system that encourages us to respect and nurture ourselves, we tend to choose attitudes and behaviors that bring happiness and cheerfulness to others and ourselves.

One of the most challenging behavior patterns that we face in ourselves is the temptation to practice victimology, a way of interacting with the world in the life style of being a victim. Unfortunately, some aspects of our society make it easy to take on this victim role and thus it does become a challenge for us not to see ourselves as a person with a big “V” stamped on our forehead.

Our minds tell us rationally and logically that being a victim is no fun and usually brings stress and anxiety into our lives.  So, why do so many choose this way of behaving?

First, when we see ourselves as a victim, it is often with the sincere belief that this is true and we are unable to make choices that are different.  It is difficult to use reason to challenge a strong personal belief such as not being able to truly choose.  One of the functions of each person’s belief system is to protect and defend the view we have of the individual we see ourselves as being.  We often will argue long and hard to convince ourselves that our perception of personal reality is true and our ability to make choices is limited.

Second, it is unfortunate that being a victim tends to feel good for many.   If we have poor self-image, being a victim acts as a confirmation of our belief.  We are then right about ourselves and that usually feels better for most people than being wrong!

Third, being a victim elicits some degree of sympathy and caring from people around us.  People who see themselves as kind and helpful people like to assist victims since that behavior also supports their own self-image.  Also, people will tend to defer to the victim’s needs by sacrificing some of their own.

Fourth, a victim is usually allowed some relief from any personal responsibility that they might have for the messed-up situation in which they find themselves.  Personal responsibility for the choices we make in behaviors and attitudes can be a heavy burden for many people.  For these individuals, it is easier to be free of responsibility and allow victim hood to take over.  Being free of our own responsibility allows us to pass it along to those who get their positive self-image by being helpful to the victims of the world.

Are there situations in our world where people truly are victims of circumstances and where they do not have choices about what happens to them?  Of course there are.  

We do not choose to bring natural disasters like tornados or earthquakes into our lives.  We do not choose to acquire a cancer or lose a loved one.  We can be victims and truly need assistance from others of the human family.  

For the healthy person, the choice is how to take the victim-status situation and seek ways to confront and manage ourselves positively for change rather than being a victim with a continuous life style of “poor me”.

Comments Welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com