Closing This Life Chapter

 

This blog is the 63rd essay that I have written for the Power for Positive Living series.  During these past two years, I have written about the various issues that I have found as a human being and as a counseling psychologist to be helpful during my years of teaching and counseling to encourage people to build healthy Life Journeys for themselves.  This has been my gift I wish to leave with others.

If you have read all 63 of these blogs, I sincerely believe that you have a comprehensive view of how I see myself as well as my value system for living an emotionally healthy life.  I have attempted to cover a diverse range of topics that, if utilized, can help many people manage the changes in their lives with healthier choices.  Doing something about this knowledge is significantly different than just reading and thinking about changing one's emotional health.

Hopefully, I have written from first-hand experiences of living 70+ years.  Much of what I have learned has been given to you as my personal gift in this series.   I sincerely hope that you can find a way to use this knowledge in your own life where the result will be a positive healthy Life Journey.  However, like all true gifts, this is given with no expectations of what you choose to do or not do with it.

After these two years of writing a blog every two weeks, I am ready for a rest.  I will now choose some different way of living my life while still maintaining my life goal of assisting others to do what they need to do.   Writing P4PL as a volunteer for my local senior center web site has allowed me to share with many who face the issues which come with growing older in our society.


My birthday month of October seems a good time to change.  Today is my grand-nephew's third birthday!   Part of me hopes that this series of essays will be read by him some day and allow him to better know his uncle as the unique person I am regardless of whether I am able to live through his childhood and adolescence.  Family and friends can also learn about my inner self rather than just recall the outward behaviors and accomplishments which are easier to see.

For now, it is time for me to ‘check out’ for a while and follow my own advice of enriching my Life Journey with some time away from my current life roles.   I do not know whether I shall return with this series or a series of a different type.  I may just rest until the next opportunity for a life energizer presents itself.  Life continues to give me surprises and challenges as the years pass regardless of what I plan.   It may be time to work in another volunteer field.  Or, I may realize that I have more that I want to write about personal growth and return with more issues of P4PL. 

I do plan continued focus on my personal bucket list.   For example, I am eager to introduce my grand-nephew McKeehan to his first airplane flight, his first cruise and his first trip outside of the United States.  This was important to me when I did the same for his father and uncle.   

Also on my personal bucket list, there are many historical friends who have been a significant part of my Life Journey and I wish to visit with each while we are still in decent health and can enjoy extended time together.  For example, a historical friend has given me a western Caribbean cruise for my current birthday.  After 25+ years of friendship, we shall have this rare opportunity to spend extended and quality time together for a wonderful week in January.

I want to experience the continued adventure of living each day to the fullest by appreciating all of the many blessings given to me.  Naturally, I still look forward to meeting new people and creating exciting new memories.

I want to thank my older nephew for his encouragement that led me to begin writing this series in 2010.   Bryan now has part of what he wanted:  the written thoughts of his uncle on possibilities to live a healthy Life Journey.  He will have these memories of me, written by my own hand, for the remainder of his life.   His request has hopefully become a gift to many others.

Thanks to the internet, this series will always be available to Bryan and other individuals.  As stated above, I do have hope that my grand-nephew McKeehan will want to know more about his uncle some day by reading his written words.  And, may these words communicate to many others how their friendship has been an important part of my Life Journey.  Many have left significant marks of joy on my heart and mind.

For those of you who have used the email component to communicate with me about various topics of this series and personal issues, I plan to keep the Silver Chat Line email address open for another year.  Always feel free to visit me there.  While my responses shall be slower, I will get back to you on whatever you have written.  

Since this content is truly timeless in its value, most of us would probably benefit from rereading the series.   I know for myself that a second reading of these essays will allow me a different perspective and enrichment of certain knowledge from when they were first learned and when they were posted over the past two years.

Again, I thank all of you who have shared your reactions and encouragement for this series.  I believe that I have covered all of the topics that were suggested to me by readers with emails.  I have chosen not to write about divisive topics like religion, politics, economics, societal norms, etc.  Writing and sharing these blogs have certainly energized my own personal Life Journey!!

My wish is that you and I manage life’s changes by continuing to seek and choose healthy options for ourselves.  I am pleased that I could be here to offer assistance for those who chose to receive the gifts I have offered.  Life is good!

Comments welcome.  EMAIL:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Helping You Do What You Need To Do

This essay may be a summary of what I have been attempting to offer over the past two years during this series of writings.  One of my life goals has been to leave a record of who I am truly as a person, aside from the various behaviors that are outwardly visible. 

During my years of teaching psychology and offering therapeutic counseling, I often began my classes and sessions with a Hugheyism: “I am here to help you do what you need to do.”

Many times I would often receive a blank stare from individuals.  This sentence seemed to be difficult for many to fully understand.   I was attempting to communicate how I saw my life role which was to be a helper/giver for their life.  Regardless of what I gave, each person was still responsible for deciding what they needed to receive and what to do with their personal Life Journey.

I see one of the basic roles in my Life Journey is to offer assistance to others in enriching their ability to fully live their lives regardless of our relationship.   I am free to offer or not offer this gift of assistance to others.  And, most important, others are free to accept or decline any gift that is offered to them.  


Like all behaviors we choose, there is a 'price' to be paid.  I realize that I have paid a price over the years for my choices, especially in those behaviors affecting my emotions.  Fortunately, in hindsight, I am pleased that I feel very few regrets for the choices I have made in meeting these life goals.

Sometimes I realize that gifts can be given for the benefit of the giver more than for the recipient of the gift.  These are so-called gifts which have expectations (or strings) attached.  Gifts with expectations become more like grants than true gifts.  I also strive to remind myself that whether I choose to make an individual's response to my gift offer into a ‘personal issue’  is my choice, especially if I have allowed an expectation to be created.

A challenging personal question for the giver of assistance is to be honest about what is the 'balance' each of us offer by helping others or how much is this gift for the giver’s benefit versus the recipient’s benefit.  Many of us find this very difficult to give ourselves an honest answer since it is usually in some degree both.   But the effort expended to be honest with ourselves to determine this balance is well worth the effort to self and others.

Another challenge for us is whether we are offering our assistance in a method that is beneficial to the recipient or is better suited to meeting our personal style in helping others.   For example, the recipient may need listening more than he/she needs our verbal wisdom or insight.  However, we may be more comfortable telling another what he/she should do.   So we often give gifts to others with strings attached.   Our assistance may often be given in the manner where we are most comfortable.

While we own any assistance offered or given to another,  the recipient owns how they communicate their openness and willingness for any help received.  There are some people who have issues with receiving gifts.  One can appreciate the kindness of someone offering a gift while not wishing for a variety of reasons to receive the specific gift offered.  

We can also clarify whether the gift-giving is to enhance a win-win outcome or does someone need to admit they need assistance by being 'weaker' or more needy than the giver.  One caution for those of us who like to give and assist others is to be aware that we may seek out and be sought out by  individuals who have needy personalities.

For example, it is difficult to love someone when they do not care about you to the same degree or in the same manner.  So, do we offer love and caring to another without condition of whether they indicate an openness to receive this specific gift in the form the giver wishes to use?  Our values and personal history will usually give us an answer regardless of the logic and rationality of the situation.

What if someone requests assistance from you and you are unclear about what is being asked or you are uncomfortable with the request?  This can be the time when you may need to establish that whatever gift you give does need to fit your own unique personality about giving and receiving rewards.  One healthy perspective is remembering that regardless of our desire to help others,  need will usually exceed our ability to supply.

My experience has taught me over the years that many people, if not most, have some awareness of what needs to be done to bring positive change into their world.  Often there is a need for assistance in structuring the change which works for them.  The challenge is often to find a true gift without expectations from another.   Another challenge is to find someone who will truly accept a gift without feeling an obligation to reciprocate.

I believe that I am present to assist others with my personal gifts in accomplishing whatever they have decided is best for their individual lives.   I do not make the decisions!  This role of being a helper and giver seems to have been one of  my major life goals.


Unfortunately, some seek assistance from others so that responsibility for the pain of thinking and behaving in healthy ways can be transferred to others.  Being aware of this behavior can clarify where and how one can be most helpful in offering help to others.

We all live with the personal limits of time, energy, resources, etc., in ourselves and in others.  Being honest with these limits is crucial in providing the gift of assisting others.

This series of essays on aids to positive personal growth, as seen through the experiences of one human being,  are offered as one way to assist the reader with his/her Life Journey.  There has no attempt to offer "the answer" to one's questions about the personal choices he/she makes.


I have learned that when I assist others to meet their goals in life, I have usually found myself achieving my own.

Hopefully you have been able to find something in this P4PL series that has been helpful to you in some personal way.  This is my gift to you.   The motivation to offer this gift of essays to assist you in doing whatever you need to do to enrich your Life Journey provides the goal for why they were written.

Comment welcome.

Personal Retreat

 There are few people who do not at some time encounter a desire to ‘check out’ of their daily routine and retreat inside to an inner place of peace.  Our society encourages us to remain busy and be productive during our waking hours.  Many even manage to pack so many activities into this awake time that they do not get enough sleep and rest to remain healthy.

During my graduate school work, I was affected strongly by the writers of humanistic philosophy.  Many scholars wrote about the life-long challenge we all face to learn and understand about our transparent selves.  There was the perspective that most people go through their lives with just a surface understanding of themselves and do not offer their real self to themselves or others in a transparent manner.  This non-offering can often come from factors like ignorance and/or fear.

I remember a key sentence that left its mark on my thoughts and behaviors as I eventually established the framework for my professional life that came to be known as Friend Ship.  “A person needs a place and/or person to go when he finds his life unlivable.”

Friend Ship has as one of its components the structure of a personal retreat.  Similar to a spiritual retreat, the individual makes the decision as to the focus that is different from the various roles and expectations that he lives in his ‘normal’ world.  If, for example, personal spirituality is part of the retreat goal, then one is free to accept their God’s love and support.

The methods and goals are unique and personal; each participant sets his/her own path for self-exploration either by her/himself and/or with the input and support of a facilitator.  A personal retreat facilitator creates an atmosphere of invitation for you to share SAFE TIME with a caring and trustworthy friend where you have the rare gift of being yourself.

Although each personal retreat is different, many have similar components based on the mutual humanness we share.  For example, all healthy people have a need to be heard.  Receiving the gift of listening hospitality allows for a safe atmosphere that is supportive and non-judgmental.

A personal retreat allows one to be ‘off stage’ or check out from regular life roles and responsibilities.  One can explore the quality of my life, my emotional development and individual pattern of personal growth.  People who enter a personal retreat check out by leaving their ‘normal’ roles at the door.

We know that there is a shortage of active listeners in our world!  Few are trained to hear verbally and non-verbally when we are ready, eager and have a need to talk.  Unfortunately, most people think that they are good, if not excellent listeners.  Based on the large number of people still trying to find an active listener, it would seem that many have a faulty self-perception.  

There can be confusion with the behavior of being silent as being the same as active listening.  Active listening is work!  This process requires maximum involvement with the 'here-and-now' of a person's world.  Silence is only not speaking; yet for many,  even that seems difficult.

Checking out from our usual assortment of life advisors and interact with a person offering listening hospitality we can experience the gift of being heard without someone wanting to give us their advice or solution to areas which are unique and personal to each of us.

A personal retreat is available for the time when our need to talk for understanding conflicts with the needs of friends and family who are unable or unwilling to listen to us for a wide variety of reasons.

Friend Ship and personal retreating are not present to do something to or for you.  In an atmosphere of listening hospitality (silence or active listening with another person), you will find the will and way to do for yourself.  You will learn to hear yourself!

Checking out encourages exploration of any aspect of life: self-esteem, stress, relationships enrichment, spiritually, values, hate and love, grief, friendships, career, or solitude. 

Personal retreating encourages you to experience the inner world of writing your own Life Novel; there is no prearranged goal of solving problems or changing behaviors/feelings.  All that is needed for the process to work is the curiosity to share and learn about you from yourself.

You are free to choose your time for:  reflecting, thinking, relaxing, playing, praying, reading, journal writing, meditating, being silent, creating,, exploring, risking, defining, body sensing, experimenting, interacting with facilitator or being alone.

Yes, we all have a healthy need to periodically ‘check out’ and explore aspects of our lives that our daily roles and obligations often prevent us from doing.  But, how many of us value ourselves to make this opportunity for peace and healthy living?  Do we really value our own self-esteem to a high degree by making a checking-out process an integral part of our life?

Comments Welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Life's Last Chapter

 

For many reasons, there are some topics that are difficult and uncomfortable for most of us to discuss openly and directly with others.  Two of these seem to be our personal wealth (reflecting how ‘valuable’ and ‘successful’ we have been during life) and the last chapter of our Life Journey, our death.

For many, the amount of wealth we have at various stages of life is similar to the ‘score’ we have on life’s scoreboard.  By the time we reach the concluding life chapter, we and some others may be tempted to declare ourselves as ‘winners’ or ‘losers’ using the criteria of wealth we have acquired before we die. 

It is sad to see individuals who view their lives as being about winning at the game of making money and accumulating it for others to see as a trophy of living a successful life.   We know from King Tut and others that we cannot take our wealth with us as we depart this part of life, so we get to exercise our personal value system by directing what happens to our wealth when we die.

Other than the ones who die without making a conscious choice (no will), our wealth can be directed to family, friends, other loved ones, charities, etc.  However, it is unfortunate that so many individuals do not choose to be open and directly discuss the status of their wealth and their preferences for its use before the arrival of death. 

They are some who have a goal of punishing others by the denial of sharing their wealth.  Others wait until their death to reward individuals that they chose not to do in life.  Personally, I have always believed that sending me flowers while I am healthy and alive is so much better for me than waiting until I pass and am unable to enjoy them.

For some, discussing wealth and death is like an exploration of self-esteem.  Most of us want to die feeling good about our lives.   If we are disappointed about our wealth accumulation, we may prefer to ignore the topic.  Wealth discussion seems to be a very sensitive topic for many.   Others seem to see such discussion as being contagious; they will ‘catch’ death or poverty if these are brought into the open.  Denial is a very effective ego defense mechanism for a reason!

The second sensitive topic that seems uncomfortable for many to discuss is the healthy living of the last chapter of our life journey. This includes how we think and feel about the inevitable time of dieing.  

If one is alive, we can be sure that at some time we are all going to die.  As I age, I find it more difficult to find persons who are comfortable exploring with me such areas as life’s relationship to dieing.   To me, healthy living is seeing the process of dieing as part of the process of living, not as components separate from each other.

Our culture is full of many options on how we handle our own death as well as those around us.   As each of my birthdays arrive I am happy for the joys of living another year with this wonderful gift of life.  I am also aware that I am one year closer to dieing and I am faced with the choices of how I want to live this concluding time period.   I still do retain choices on how I manage this last chapter!

As mentioned above, one of the most difficult conversational challenges I have faced with my own aging is finding persons who are comfortable discussing openly and directly the living of this last life chapter with the physical, emotional, financial, spiritual, religious, etc., characteristics of this period.

 I am reminded of a saying from the ‘old folks’ of my childhood:

“Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die.”  It seems that our culture has decided that it is in the best interest of all that everyone strive to live as long as possible.  Why not have the options of embracing death, if we believe that a better place awaits our loved ones and us or when we prefer to leave life which has lost its quality and one that may be full of pain?

I have seen individuals become ill and their daily life is like a ‘living hell’ full of pain.  I find myself wondering whether this ‘one size fits all’ approach to keeping everyone alive as long as possible is rational.  

During my lifetime I have seen the typical life span increase with almost miraculous medical achievements.  Regardless of the various costs to the individual and those around him/her, we seem to believe that we should do everything possible to extend a person’s life regardless of whether the individual wishes those efforts made for him/her or these efforts drain our loved ones.

At the same time, I have seen more individuals take personal initiative for saying ‘enough is enough, let me go’ by writing living wills and issuing power of attorney that no extraordinary means be used to extend life. 

Depression is a symptom of many emotional illnesses.  One can wonder how we handle the mix of emotional and physical illness.  For example, should people be allowed to choose suicide as a reasonable alternative when their physical health has reach a certain stage and before depression makes death an attractive alternative to intense pain, physical or emotional?

After seeing patients in a hospital and some residents in a nursing home, I wonder who is being helped by prolonging the process of death:  the individual who has no quality of life left or those around who decide they are not prepared to ‘let go’ of a loved one.  These are real questions for one's personal value system and where discussion can be difficult.

It is easy to see why these are sensitive topics and questions for us to discuss about our own lives and with the ones for whom we care so much.    Even if it is difficult to be open and direct with discussion of wealth values and the process of dieing, who are we helping with personal health by ignoring their discussion even when they are present in every one of our Life Journeys?

Comments Welcome.   Email: silverchatlines@gmail.com

A Hole In Our Friendship Circle

Over the years of studying the characteristics and dynamics of friendships, there seem to be certain consistencies of behaviors and attitudes that remain with many individuals on their Life Journey.  Each of us seems to develop patterns early in our lives that we continue into our senior years.

In the early years we seek to understand the meaning of friendships and the value they have to ourselves as well as to the people who are important in our lives such as our parents.  In my case, during childhood a friend was any one who did not actively dislike me.  Fortunately, I grew more selective!

As the years pass, we find ourselves selecting and being selected by individuals as friends for a variety of reasons.  Our criteria for choosing a person as a friend eventually tends to be uniquely personal.  Being basically social animals, the one similarity is that we almost all recognize the need to have friends in our world.  We usually grow to define and recognize the differences between a friend and an acquaintance.

We not only use different criteria in selecting friends as the years pass and our history grows longer and more mature, we find that friends come and go.  Some stay for a short time and are quickly replaced while others may be with us for most of our life.


Like most living things, friendships which are not growing with energy and attention expended on them tend to be in the process of dieing.   

Unfortunately, a friendship may be ignored over time with only an exchange of holiday cards or a birthday email until suddenly the two parties involved realize they have a terminal case in this relationship.  When a friendship reaches the 'life support' stage, it is usually difficult, if not impossible, to return to active life.

While being similar in the behavior of developing a friendship circle, the dynamics of these circles we develop tend to be unique.   For example, some choose one or two people for their friendship group while others may have dozens.  Some may choose only those who can be geographically close; others can build their friendships around the world.  Some rely on similar interests and value systems; some stress diversity of characteristics.

As we age, there seems to be a tendency to reach a maximum number of persons that an individual wants to have in their friendship circle.  At some point, we seem to stop acquiring close friends, stick with the ones we have chosen so far and start building various degrees of acquaintanceship.  It is almost as if we subconsciously recognize that we have reached the limited number of the friendships we want and choose to handle at any one time in this world.

Also, as we age we tend to lose a lot of the situations where it is easier to build friendships such as school and at work.  Many of us may be content with the current number of friends we have.  It successfully complements the increasing interests we and others in our age group grow to have in adult children, grandchildren, health issues, etc.

Few of us stop to reflect on this evolution taking place in our lives since personal growth may not be strongly encouraged in our society and the process happens so slowly over a long period of time.  And, as we age, we are faced with the challenge that as a group we tend to dislike most change, especially any that illness or death may bring to us.  So, we often choose not to think about it.

At some age, we recognize that members of our friendship circle may be dieing.  Unlike the days of our youth, it is usually difficult to replace that friend with another person.   We suddenly discover that there is a hole in our friendship circle and it will remain there for the remainder of our days.  The years pass and the number of places once held by irreplaceable persons such as 'historical friends' become holes which remain empty as friends leave or die.

Some of may discover that our desire to be the ‘last one standing’ with a long life among our friends is no longer a desired goal.   It can get lonely in a hurry as the number of holes in our friendship circle may become more numerous with each passing year .

Those with only one or two friends suddenly grow very dependent on acquaintanceships.  Other recognize the value of investing time and energy into the friendships which are still present as they enhance meaning to what remains of our Life Journey.  

As with all aspects of our personal growth, we retain the power to define and choose what we want with our friendship circle during our Life Journey.  We also retain the power to choose whether we act to nurture or ignore in some form the friendships that we truly value.

Comment Welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Seeking Professional Counseling

At one time, it was a sign of shame that anyone would admit they needed some assistance with the many challenges that most of us face in the daily process of living life.

When I opened my first clinical practice in 1973 at a medical clinic in North Carolina, my office was placed in the back of the building so that no one could see into the waiting room.  There was a separate appointment book kept under the reception desk counter so that no one could accidentally read who had made an appointment.

Patients could even leave by a back door if privacy was a very important issue.  Naturally, only those with the most severe psychic pain chose to come to the office even though I was the only licensed psychologist in the county.  Reaching out to individuals with ‘normal’ pains and stresses was and is a continuing process for me.

Even with all of the progress of acceptability made in the mental health fields since 1973, it is unfortunate that much of our society today is more supportive and accepting of individuals with physical wounds and illness than emotional ones.

The counseling relationship is one that focuses on changing an individual's thought patterns and behaviors.  Most of us know that real change is seldom easy or pleasant.  Yet, without change, one is usually destined to continue with the same set of stresses which prevent the development of positive mental health.


Many individuals choose to use a friend's ear when they are in pain regardless of the friend's skills and abilities.  Most friends try to make the person feel better with their assistance.  Fortunately, a counselor is not restrained by this.  Counseling is often a process where the focus is healing and the goal is long-term health rather than situational quick-fixes.  During this process the individual may or may not feel better in the short term as he confronts and implements a healing program for his/her long-range emotional health.


A personal challenge for many is accepting the reality that they do need some type of professional assistance in handling their psychic pain.  Unfortunately, denial is a very strong defense mechanism as is rationalization while 'wishing' for magical change is always popular.

Even after an individual is willing to seek professional assistance for emotional problems, one of the remaining challenges for many is finding a qualified and suitable mental health professional with whom to visit and work on personal issues.

Like any service-related business, there are many ways to seek out a mental health professional.  The one that seems to work the best for many people is personal referral.  This method does require one to disclose to another that they are seeking mental health assistance and this may be uncomfortable for some.  However, input from someone who has received the same service can be very educational for what one is seeking.

It can be confusing to understand the difference between the various fields of mental health workers.  There are psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, licensed professional counselors, religious and spiritual advisers, etc.  It seems that there are many different counselor-types  for each individual to consider.

Self-education can help an individual tell the difference between what each specialty offers.  There are state licensing boards and professional organizations that can offer a great deal of assistance with the factual aspects of choosing a mental health professional.

While mental health counseling is a service-oriented process, choosing a counselor is far more personal than selecting a barber or car mechanic.  If one lives in a community with a diversity of mental health specialties, the most challenging part for an individual is finding the professional where there is a 'personal fit' as well as one who is professionally qualified in his/her knowledge.   This relationship is going to be very personal so finding a professional who has the personality that matches your needs is a fundamental beginning.

Other factors to consider will be cost (insurance-qualified), location and availability for appointments.  The factor considered the most important to many professionals is TRUST.   Is this person someone who I can trust with my most personal thoughts and feelings in a confidential setting without concern or apprehension?

One of the most frequent concerns for those who have not had professional counseling before, is the expectation that they need to find the “perfect counselor” the first time.  There is no such thing as a perfect counselor any more than there is a perfect spouse, parent, child, friend, job, church, etc. 

One may consider counseling as being similar to a dating process.   Most go on the first date to learn more about the other person and their reactions to them while placing themselves on display for the other. 

The main goal of a first date is often to determine if one wants to go on a second date.  The same is frequently true of a counseling session:  did you have a positive enough experience to want to return to spend more time and share more of self with this person?  

Some counselors talk about these feelings at the conclusion of the first session while others may not.  Some clients are comfortable discussing that their goals are or are not being met; others prefer to skip this.  Since it your counseling session, you have the right to express your expectations to the counselor.  

If you are not connecting with a professional counselor, many of them will assist you by making referrals to another counselor with whom you may find to be more personable to your style of communicating.

The main challenge is for the individual to be honest with him/herself in making a decision on what direction to go with their need to receive some type of external assistance in handling the normal stresses of living.  

There are many who believe God made plenty of humans so that we would never be without the opportunity for assistance on this earth when we need it.  Regardless of one's spiritual or religious beliefs, an individual is always free to seek out others who are willing to assist.  Whether one actually acts on this fact or makes the choice to retain their stresses is always a personal choice.

Comment welcome.   Email: silverchatline@gmail.com

Choose To Define

Life gives me the opportunity to define and redefine what/who I am, know, believe and feel with the free choice to continue or change.

One does not need to be in the fields of counseling or education for very long before they discover the large number of people who believe that they do not have the opportunity to define who they are or become what they wish to be.

Life is a gift that we are given.  We are free to choose what we do with our gift of life.  Included in this gift is the power we each have to define ourselves through our self-image.  Although there are plenty of people who are willing and eager to define us using their own criteria, it remains our own personal decision as to whom we listen when we make choices that we use to define ourselves.

Using our own definitions, we decide who we are as an individual.  At any time during our Life Journey, we also have the power to re-decide and make changes.  We have the choice to listen to other people or seek other sources of knowledge.  We choose what we learn and how to use this knowledge in making us the individuals we are or wish to be.

By the time we have passed through childhood and adolescence, we have been heavily indoctrinated by society into what we should believe about our world and ourselves.  Even though it is difficult to resist the input we each receive from the important people and institutions in our world, we always retain the power of choice.

Whether we continue believing these societal beliefs or decide to redefine how these beliefs affect our self-image and behavior, the power to do so is always there for us to use.  Our challenge is whether we wish to do the intensive work necessary to explore, confront and make our own decisions as the basic beliefs of our lives.

Within this gift of life, we are given the power to feel.  As with other parts of our lives, society spares no effort to have an individual develop feelings that are “normal” and fit into our culture.  Like with the areas of knowledge and beliefs, we are free to decide what to do with the feelings that life has given to us.  Even with this freedom to choose beliefs and feelings about ourselves, the pressures to be normal and meet the expectations of others is intense.

In reality, most of us cannot help the way we feel at any particular moment, but we are able to define what these feelings mean to us and how we wish to act or not act on them.

We are able to structure situations which tend to encourage or discourage the presence of certain feelings.  We can decide to focus on which feelings make our lives better or worse for us to live.

Even if we accept the belief that we cannot always decide how we feel right now, each of us remains able to control the way we choose to think and act with these feelings.   As with other aspects of living, we remain responsible for the choices we make in how we choose to think and act in our daily lives.

Unfortunately, there are many people who refuse to accept life’s opportunity to decide who they are, what they know, how they feel or what they believe.   These individuals often prefer to stamp a big “V” on their forehead and play the psychological game of being a victim in their life style.  Playing a victim tends to release them from the responsibilities of defining, redefining and choosing healthy thoughts and actions.

As stated before, we are given the gift of life.  How we live that gift will be a result of how define ourselves though our self-image as well as the choices we make daily on our thoughts and behaviors.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Personal Journaling

For the wise, travel through one’s Life Journey is a continual process of learning and personal growth.  Regardless of our age and life history, there is always so much to learn about ourselves.   We can use various methods to evaluate how our personal choices are working for or against us.

If one is fortunate, they will make a personal retreat happen in their life.  This is a process where one retreats from his or her everyday environment for an extended period of time to a place that supports the process of introspection.  For many, this experience is enriched by the presence of a personal facilitator to add another human dimension and appropriate guidance when sought. 

Since a personal retreat is personal, there are many forms that it can take to allow a person to focus on who they are, where they have been or where they wish to go in the future.  There is no one ‘best’ form for this process of personal growth.

One of most valuable friends that I have found for myself on a personal retreat as well as for other periods in my Life Journey has been a personal journal.  This friend is where I communicate by writing and use other creative processes to record my feelings, thoughts and actions.  In this series, a friend is defined as someone with whom you can dare  to be yourself.

Like most friendships, each of us develops a personal style of mutual behaviors creating our journals to meet our individual needs.  There is no right or wrong way to produce one’s journal any more than there is to develop a friendship with another.  “To thy own self be true” is the goal I use for my journaling process.

There are many factors for each of us to consider when we decide to create and maintain a personal journal.  And, like other friendships, these factors are individual, personal and change over time as our relationship grows and matures.

Listed are some factors that each of us can consider as we decide what we want our journal friend to be.

1.  A journal is not the same as a diary or scrapbook, but can have many of the characteristics of both.  A journal usually has much more depth than these, but can include descriptions of events, people, memorabilia, etc.

2.  What goals does the individual wish for the journal to meet?  Being specific can be most helpful, even when these goals may change over time.

3.  What will be the frequency that one interacts with their journal?  Some people choose to interact daily, several times each day, every other day, or weekly, etc.   What length of time will one choose to spend with their journal to allow the relationship to become most effective?

4.  What form will one choose?  Will it all be written, or will it include art forms?  Using modern technology allows there be audio and/or video parts.   Will one style of writing be used or will it vary by mixing poetry with prose? 

5.  After one begins their journal, will one tend to stay with consistency in the format and content of their journals?   Will one be willing and maybe eager to experiment with their journal friendship by introducing new components?  It is sad that so many stay with a pattern with which they are familiar rather than experiment with ways which may provide more nurturance  and enrichment.

6.  As time passes, does one notice any changes in the degree of honesty and intimacy that one has with their journal?  If there are changes, what does that convey about your personal growth?

7.  At some point, almost everyone faces  the question of whether they wish to share a part of their journal with another person.   Depending on the personality type of the individual and the contents of the journal, this can be a very difficult choice for many.  Sharing one’s self with others at a deep personal level is a goal for some while keeping that part of self very personalized is the choice of others.

Hopefully compiling a journal can be one way to aid you in your personal Life Journey.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Me Responsible?

Most of us grow into adulthood and finally accept that we are the one who is responsible for our thoughts and behaviors.  Much of childhood and adolescence is spent in trying to be responsible for only the fun things in life and trying to displace the responsibility for any messes somewhere else.

Most people follow a path that says that when one leaves the chronological age of being a child or a youth, it is time to behave in an adult manner with ourselves and with other people. 

However, there are always some who believe that the goal of life is to accept personal responsibility for the positive happenings and find someone else to blame for the negative.  Unfortunately, immature attitudes like this can give living a bad name.

Becoming an adult by age or physical development does not guarantee that one reaches the adult level of emotional maturity.  Understanding this concept can help one interact more realistically with those who have not reached the emotional maturity of adulthood, whether by choice or by some other causation.

When one chooses to be an active listener to people who are looking outsides of themselves for the solutions to their problems or attempting to find someone to blame for their situations, it pays to be cautious with these people regardless of how eager one might be to offer assistance.

In counseling classes, one important foundation is offered early and frequently by instructors:  when listening to the life story of another person, it is wise to remember that the talker retains ownership of any situation or problem contained within. 

Unfortunately, people who want to help people often attempt to take over the problem and make it their own.  Almost no one learns how to solve a situation when someone else is there to relieve them of the stress, anxiety or other negative outcomes.

Yes, support though listening hospitality can be helpful for most people.  It does not involve being a preacher, judge, social worker, etc., to relieve the person of their own situations.  To be a mature adult, we are the ones who assume responsibility for our own thoughts, beliefs, feelings and behaviors.

A similar thought that can be helpful in listening to people tell their life stories without taking charge is to recall:  when I do what I have always done, I will get what I have always got. 

For many listeners there is the tendency to take the responsibility away from another by telling them how they can do something different if they expect a different result.  For the person telling his/her story, repeating the same behavior over and over is one way to displace any responsibility for negative outcomes outside of themselves. 

One of the sad realities of life is that many people do not want a different outcome because it does involve the work of doing something different.  Embracing change is a most difficult behavior for many.  Why do that IF one can find another person to take responsibility for my problem or do a repetitive and familiar behavior that does not alter my situation? 

Also, listeners would be wise to know that if their suggestions do not meet the outcomes expected by another, the blame will soon be back with the one who tried to be helpful.

Listening hospitality is a gift that we can offer to another person.  Like other gifts, it is given with no attachments or expectations.   Our responsibility is to be direct, honest, caring, etc. when we give the gift of listening.  It does not involve assuming responsibility for the burdens of another that may encourage them to return to the behaviors of childhood and/or adolescence where someone or something is responsible for what is happening in their world.

Comments welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Being Versus Doing

When one enters the world of personal growth and development, there are two questions that possess great power for the individual and others with whom he/she chooses to interact.

1.  Who am I?

2.   Who are you?

The question of ‘who am I’ represents the structure that we choose to build on our personal foundation.  Studying ourselves gives us the answers to the unique and personal questions of who is the unique and special individual we are.

When we look at ourselves in great depth, we often find that many of us have structured our lives around the perception that our lives are basically a sense of being or around the perception of doing.

One of the basic choices we make is whether we wish to build our lives based on the foundation of seeing life as a gift.  We are entitled to this gift by being born and have only to receive it and use it for the time we live on this earth. 

This means that we are of value as humans just because we exist, not on anything that we do.  Of the two basic choices, this perception tends to be the most difficult for most humans to truly believe about themselves. 

It does not take long in our conversations for other people to see whether we value ourselves for being human, or whether we see our lives as only having value for doing the tasks, goals and accomplishments of our life journey.  One can choose to value him/herself only for what they DO rather than just being a human being.

If we listen to what we say to others about ourselves, we find that frequently the predominate talk is about our behavior, about what we have accomplished.  For some, just being alive is not enough to merit our own appreciation of self and certainly does not impress very many other people. 

For many in our society, it is only by doing tasks and meeting goals that they can find value in themselves.  These people find it difficult to retire without remaining ‘active’ even as they need to work at playing or rest from vacations.

The power to ask for the truth in how we value ourselves by asking ‘who am I’ can be just as powerful when we take the risks and ask a similar question to another: ‘who are you?’  We can see by another’s response how they have structured their lives to meet the demands of the society in which they live.  Or they can they take the value of just being human as the ultimate gift we each receive.   

Usually individuals are seeking to be heard and understood by others.  If one chooses to listen, people will tell you where they tend to fit on the BEING vs. DOING continuum.  If emotionally healthy, they may have found a way to balance the two views in our human 'gray zone' rather than black/white.

Like most aspects of studying personal growth, these two points are opposite ends of a continuum.   For those familiar with the bell-shape curve, we know that there are very few instances of one being at either extreme.  Most of us have the characteristics of both perceptions of being and doing.  We tend to be more comfortable living our lives with one trait more than another and our culture certainly gives most of its encouragement to those who DO.

With our question of ‘who am I?’ as a guideline, we can have a positive beginning of personal growth in learning more about ourselves.  With the ‘who are you?’ question, we open the foundation for mutual exchange of honest and intimate dialogue.

As always, the personal choices we make to manage our life growth are ours.

Comments welcome.     Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

Giving Living A Bad Name

 How fortunate we all are to have this gift of life!!  Regardless of our personal beliefs on the source of this gift, the reality is that each of is given this gift with a diverse range of skills, talents, assets and liabilities. 

Since life is a gift freely given where we have only to receive it, the individual choices we make to manage this gift are our own unique way of demonstrating our personal values.  Many around us make similar and/or different choices from the ones we make.

Some of us will take this gift of life as a given; there is nothing special about being alive.  Some may even come to believe that we are entitled to be alive and just muddle through waiting for life to give us more treasure since we must have more to be a ‘winner’. 

Some may conclude that giving this gift to them, as an individual was some type of mistake.  They see nothing to be given or gained from making choices that could bring positive changes to their lives.  They see themselves as powerless and usually are lonely.  Keep putting one foot in front of another with painful endurance until the journey's end is reached is often this person’s only goal.

There are many, many ways that an individual can choose to make his/her gift of life into a negative experience.  This blog will focus on three of the most common that probably are easily recognizable in our society and are open to the choice of alternation.

One of the first behaviors that we tend to learn early in childhood is developing a case of “the shoulds”.  Our society mandates that there are certain thoughts, feelings and behaviors that are acceptable and must always be done if one wishes to be ‘normal’ and live with other people.

As a former teacher, I may have tended to take over where the parents left off with developing the value of living the ‘shoulds’.  I had the support of the person’s peer group, social organizations, churches, etc.  Most people knew what they should or should not be doing by the time they became adults and enter the labor force.  These adult groups will teach them any ‘shoulds’ they may have missed.

How much of our life is wasted trying to meet the expectations of the ‘shoulds’ that we place on ourselves and by others!   The biggest loss tends to be realization of our personal power to chose and re-decide our life patterns.

When I think of labeling behavior as an obstacle to appreciating the gift of life, I sometimes wonder if we live in some type of giant file drawer where we are categorized by the many, many labels that society has given us to wear.

After giving all the label of human and the gift of life, we are then sorted into the many categories that start with male and female.  We are then labeled by age, race, religion, income, nationality, height, weight, size and type of housing, education, intelligence, social ability, health, mode of transportation we use, family history, friends, cleanliness, orderliness, clothing, food choices, introvert/extrovert, technical aptitude, etc.   The list is endless but they all affect how we decide to manage our gift of life in both positive and negative ways.  We make these labels real and usually grow to believe that we cannot re-label ourselves or find new choices in which labels we wish to use during our Life Journey.

The third way that can tarnish the gift of life and give living a bad name is the process of blame.  There are many who decide early in life that whenever something goes wrong in their world, their first goal is to find someone or something to blame.

During my early days of teaching it seemed to me that we were encouraging and rewarding the behavior of having our students find and/or create some way to avoid responsibility for something that they might or might not have done.  I lost count of how many times I heard myself say “what is your excuse this time”?  It seemed that I was encouraging the students to find new ways to blame a situation on another or be creative in building an excuse which was unique and would allow the student to avoid accepting any responsibility for their behavior.

As an adult I hear my fellow adults carry out the results of this early training.  Parents blame their kids.  Kids blame their parents and almost any adult.  Employees blame their bosses.  Employers blame the poor behavior of employees.  Individuals blame the government.  Government blames citizen apathy.  Farmers blame the weather.  The poor blame the rich for having so much wealth while the rich blame the poor for not doing something to make money while they pay the taxes. 

As with any of these games to avoid taking responsibility for our own choices, we can easily play any of these three perspectives in deciding whether we want to maximize this wonderful gift of life.

With positive management we can decide we want to have life be a process of minimizing the mental games of shoulds, labeling and blaming.  Or, we can choose to utilize these negative perspectives and give our living a bad name.  As always, we can make any choice we wish.  What a wonderful gift for this Life Journey we have!

Comment welcome.  Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com

There Are No Trees At Sea

 One of the first things that a person is likely to notice while sailing on a ship is that the view of the sea is the same in every direction.

There are no guideposts to give us a sense of direction like there are while we are on land where we have signs, roads, mountains, trees, buildings, etc.  Since we live most of lives on land, most of us develop a dependency on these guideposts that society and common sense places on us to follow so that we do not 'get lost' using our social graces.

Therefore, most of us develop a dependency on external signs to give direction to our lives.   We depend on parents, friends, school, church, employers, media, etc. to assist us as we build an external-based life compass. 

Few make the effort to learn how to develop and live by a complementary individual internal compass.  Many do not know that developing an inner order is even possible.  We have few human models on how to build one.

As we develop our life compass, we produce ‘tapes’ where external guidelines become internalized with beliefs about self and our world.  We easily develop an internal image that is the same as the one developed for us by our outside world.

It is often said, “children are the world’s best recorders, but the world’s worst interpreters on what they hear.”  Children tend to take whatever they hear or see as being true without any process of testing the information for validation.  Most adults play these tapes of self-image learned as children and adolescents over and over without any effort to test and validate them.

I recall one time when our family went to Myrtle Beach, SC, where we visited the House of Mirrors.  Some mirrors gave the appearance of a person being very tall while others projected one being very short.  Other mirrors projected an image of one being very thin while another projected one being very fat.

 

Life is often like this.  The person in front of these mirrors was the same; only the mirror was different.  Yet, many choose to select an image that conforms to their own self-image based on what others have told them.  In a country which is obsessed with looks and images, it is easy to see how many people can develop negative physical views of themselves by depending on the images that others (mirrors) give to us regardless of their validity.

Developing an internal compass is a life-long process of receiving data from outside of one’s self and learning to listen closely to how it fits internally through validation processing.  Most of us start with ‘being at sea and accepting that there are no trees or other signs to help guide us’. 

We can develop our own internal compass through discovering, questioning, confronting, experimentation, research, observation, exploration, clarification, redefining, etc.  Personally, I believe that this emotional labor is far more difficult that any physical labor we may confront.  It can give us a valid reason to avoid the process of developing an internal compass, one that is comfortable with the sameness of having fewer external guidelines such as the sameness of the horizon at sea.

As with everything in our lives with the possible exception of the gift of life itself, we pay some type of price for all that we choose to do.  There are no freebies.  Yet, out external-focused life often teaches us the opposite.

Our desire to be ‘normal’ and live comfortably and safely with others is one of the major obstacles to developing an internal value and guidance compass for our life journey.  It takes lots of personal courage to look inward and challenge the basics we have been taught  to determine who and what we are by so many forces in our life.

For example:  we are confronted with the ‘myth of the good norm’ where we or someone we care about believes that there is only one way which is best for all to believe and behave.  Developing an internal compass asks us to confront this and other myths to determine whether they truly fit into our lives.  After all of the 'practice' we have in being 'normal', it sure can be difficult to see alternatives. 

We can learn that there is no one way for all, especially if we can avoid being too close to see, hear and value differences.  An example can be to challenge very prevalent perfectionist expectations in self and others.  With a great deal of work and effort, we can confront and challenge the guidelines that society gave to us as we grew up and choose a degree that works uniquely for our personal needs. 



Developing both an internal and external compass is positive mental health.
Yet, we know that changing from our excessive dependence on external guidelines for living is very difficult.   Psychologists will tell us that most of us will avoid change at almost any price until the psychic pain we are paying for the status quo becomes so strong that we are finally willing to take the risks that come with change.

We as adults, regardless of our age, now have the choice of whether we wish to begin our own personal and unique internal compass development for whatever remains of our life journey.   Just like being at sea with no trees or guidelines, we are free to go in whatever direction(s) we wish.

Yes, there will be many prices to be paid for making these internal-compass choices.   Only each of us as individuals can decide IF it is worth the prices we are asked to pay to ourselves and others.

Comment Welcome.   Email:  silverchatline@gmail.com